Bit of a funk....

Still maintaining a 20 pound loss - and really not sure how as I have pretty much eaten whatever I want for 3 weeks straight! Perhaps some of that muscle I have built is saving me from abject failure and humiliation..... I bought a coke this morning and another teacher said "oh - you are back on those now too?" What the hell? Yes - I am public about my loss, but I really don't want any accountability from anyone! *humph* Okay - so a little public humiliation may be just what I need to see the light and get back on it.....
But I am sad....
and I want to eat....
and drink 1 coke a day....
and watch pointless reality tv instead of exercising...
and smoke.....

Okay - I KNOW - terrible, awful, the worst ever......
and I know that the less exercise I get, the more likely I am to indulge in demon nicotine because the exercise makes me use those damn lungs and decrease stress. Who knew?? SO one limits the other and it all makes sense....
Except for right now.....

I also feel like the worst things that can happen in our dreams are often another's reality - and it is sickening. I used to think I was the only mom in the world that would have terrific nightmares about horrible things happening to my children. Death, abduction, drowning....While not often, there have been a few times I have woken from sleep with a pillow wet from my tears. I have planned funerals in my head, tried to wrap my head around the what ifs...and it is terrible. I will say prayers to get those thoughts out of my head. Begin a mantra of positives and know that we are okay - that I have done and will do everything possible to keep my children safe.
Then tragedy strikes.
A teacher in my school is heading to work with her 3 year old son - her only child - strapped in. A semi crosses the line and hits her. Her only child is killed. She is halo flighted with severe injuries. She survives and has to be told 4 days later that she really has lost her life....and I cry for her. I cry because I can't fathom the loss. I can't fathom drawing in another breath. Yet I have 3 children - I would HAVE to continue for my other children. But if I lost them all? Like the woman on Biggest Loser that lost both children and her husband in a wreck? Maybe I am too sensitive for these sensationally dramatic individuals chosen for these shows - but I watch and then I cry. And then I have the worst possible thought - ever.....
Totally superstitious and selfish and unreasonable -
and ugly -
and just BAD

*whispers*
if that happened to them, then the likelihood of it happening to mine is lessened

Please don't let anything happen to my babies....
And though I don't have favorites - my dreams surround my youngest the most often. Perhaps because she is the baby. Maybe because she is close in age to the little boy that died. Maybe because she is so loved....and my last.