95% and counting.....

I am in month 4 of my "medically supervised diet" required by my insurance to have weight loss surgery. Only other requirement is an ultrasound of my gall bladder as I get closer to the date I pick for surgery. If it looks susceptible to gall stones, they will remove it at the same time as the surgery as gall stones plague weight loss surgery patients.
Of the Supervised diet...it is a joke. My family doctor is awesome - like her a lot....but all she does is recommend a 1500 calorie diet and exercise...duh!! If I could stick to that I would! On the brighter side, I signed up for the biggest loser competition at my school and they put us in teams....THAT makes for some accountability and I lost 5 pounds in the first week....it is 8 weeks long so it coincides with the end of the "supervised" one - so maybe I won't hang my head in shame as I step on the scale at the end of this month. Of course, I have lost 1,000 pounds - the same 20-30 over and over! I even lost 50 once on the Atkin's...only to get pregnant and gain it all back, plus some.

SO - I am 95% sure I am going to have this surgery in June....3rd or 4th week of June. Then I will have the rest of the summer to normalize to my new eating. I weighed the timing heavily...and am still worried about depriving my children of fun filled summer days - but I have an excellent support system. I even shared with my other teacher's on my team that I was thinking about it, and they were super supportive, and one of them even shared that her best friend was having the surgery over spring break. Geesh - the stigma and fear of putting that info out there was bothering me more than I thought. It's not like they haven't seen the size of my arse going doing down the halls every day!! :)

SO I am trucking on, lots going on in my daily life. Finishing up Dave Ramsey's 13 week Financial Peace University this coming Tuesday with my husband....it has had some rough patches, but overall has really changed how we view our money. It has been a huge blessing to our family.

I am not smoking (fell off the wagon for a few days with Hubby's 40th birthday bash), but feel really good about that! Am trying to really spend quality time with family members - even gave my Dad a birthday card filled with activities for us to do together instead of the traditional Amazon gift card.

All is well in my life, looking forward to changes in my body......

More appointments..

This last Thursday was a trifecta towards bariatric surgery. I took the required 2 hour nutrition class geared towards idiots to explain cars, protein and fat. She also discussed the post surgery diet and amounts. BLAH BLAH BLAH. She did however throw in a pun only I caught....she gave some info and said "go ahead and ruminate on that" I about fell out of my chair. Did she just call us cows??

Then I had a few hours before my meet and greet with the shrink - so I grabbed a taco and went and had a pedicure. Then to the psyche eval I went. Basically, as long as you are not bulimic, bi-polar, or under a severe life change, you can qualify. It was kind of nice to talk to her though, because she was 63 and had a gastric bypass 3 years ago. She was very down to earth and funny.

Then I went with the technician for a pre-pic. I asked why now, when I wouldn't even be eligible for surgery until March and that I probably wouldn't even do it until June - but we had fun with it. First I smiled and threw up a peace sign, but then a light clicked. I told her I should be there next billboard model and you always pose in horrible clothes and no makeup for the "before" pic - then have a total make over in a year or two! We laughed and laughed, and then she told me how beautiful I already was and how gorgeous I would be after. The she floored and me and in a serious voice, told me they would LOVE to have me in their advertisements. Made me feel good. Then I find out she is the Doctor's wife - too funny.
I meet with the doctor and go over my blood work. Lipids high, Cholesterol high - but the worst was the diabetes marker. If you are over 6.3 on your ACI, you are diabetic. Below - you are not. I am AT 6.3!! SCARY! Long story short, I have the choice of bypass or sleeve. He told me the pros and cons - and the sleeve is definitely less invasive. Removal of part of the stomach is not only a simpler surgery, but also eliminates the issues of malnourishment or major deficiencies like the bypass. The other difference is an issue of pounds. He says the sleeve will basically help me drop 100 pounds and the bypass would help me lose 125 pounds.... Geesh. What a dilemma....

That's where I am now.....5 more months of a medically supervised diet to qualify, then all systems go....
We shall see......

First Visit Done

I had my first of 6 visits for the medically supervised diets I am required by my insurance company to undertake prior to their approval of surgery. I went in really hoping they might offer some type of advice or eating plan that I could try and be successful with. Nope. Basically it was a weight and height check. I am 5 foot 9 inches (apparently I have lost an entire inch since highschool and 3 children) and according to their scale - I am at 303 pounds. I need to quit hiding this number. It is just me weight - not all of who I am. My scale at home said 298 - I don't know why that seems so much better....
Anyway - the next 10 minutes were basically asking what I eat and informing me of items I should steer away from. Next THursday will be my BIG day - I meet with a nutritionist, have my psych eval, and meet with the actual Dr. that will do the surgery. The fact that I do not have diabetes or high blood pressure means the sleeve will probably be best for me, and I am glad. While it is still quite an invasive surgery, the fact that my intestines would not have to be re-routed is more appealing.
So I have gone walking a few times, drink nothing but water, and am reading other's success stories about the sleeve. Youtube has provides lots of encouragement as well - it is really amazing the transformation some women have undergone. Also seeing my friends Kim and Kayce is helpful. They do not appear miserable and both tell me it is the best thing they have ever done. They are half the women they used to be, and more active than ever.
I want that.

Taking steps, closer to the edge

I did it. I have made the appointments that are carrying me closer to surgery. My insurance requires 6 months of a medically supervised diet - and I am actually looking forward to it. I mean - if that will work - GREAT! I start with them Sept. 27th. I will also have blood, lab work done. On Oct. 6th, I will do my 2 hour required meeting with a nutritionist (I figured that would be good timing with a diet), then my hour long meeting with a psychiatrist, that will lead into my meeting with a surgeon to discuss my options.

After that appointment, I will continue with monthly meetings for the supervised diet, and sometime in March (end of the 6 months), I will be making the decision on whether or not to have bariatric surgery. I know that I think I am leaning towards the gastric sleeve - where they cut out the majority of your stomach. It seems to scare me less than re-routing your guts in a bypass or having a foreign object (the band) in me. We shall see........

The Time

It is time to face the music. I feel like an addict that has hit rock bottom and can no longer live in denial. It is time to quit beating myself up and feeling like a failure when it comes to my weight. I truly feel like I have an addiction and must reach out for help. I am looking at Bariatric surgery.
I have been considering this option for years as I have watched many around me make this same decision. I keep trying to do it on my own with little or no success. Most recently, I have watched my dear friend Kim and another friend Kayce regain their lives through gastric bypass and the gastric sleeve. I am ready to join them in their success.

My biggest obstacle is not even my pride...it is fear. Fear of complications and even death. I have so much to live for. My beautiful daughters.....I don't want to die in an attempt to be thin. Having a fat mom is better than having no mom. But I am beginning to see they don't have the greatest mom I can be. My knees hurt so bad. I am tired. I don't fit on the rides and what health problems are waiting around the bend for me?

I am planning on meeting with the doctors in the next few weeks and getting the facts from their mouths. I have read and read and read online all the facts I can find and even blogs that include successes and horror stories. My family is super supportive of me, and I am finally to the point where I think I am ready to take this step.

I have a 10, 8 and 4 year old. I don't want to die. I want to be the best I can be for them. I want to live the second half of my life as active as possible and not be hindered by my size. I can't so it on my own. I need help. This blog will become my weight loss journal. It has been so many things.....and now this.

Pray for me.

20 pounds gone!

I had a great blog post - spent some time on it, saved it to the computer...and it won't let me copy and paste!! I can no longer access this blog at school (apparently there are too many PORN sites on it) so I have to do it at home.....smarty pants me thought "Well, no problem - I can still type by entry, email it to myself, and copy and paste it." Wellll......doesn't work. I can copy and/or cut it - but the paste option won't highlight. AAAAHHHH! Needless to say - in a nutshell. The last 4 weeks have been a nealthy start...no smoking - no binging - eating low carb and healthy. Exercising. Proud of myslef. 4 weeks!!! WooooHoooo! I will try to post more later...

Can you see the difference??

Another false start??

My desk top computer has died. My school's firewall prevents me from going to this site due to "some" pornagraphic images posted by other bloggers. I am at the mercy of my husband's work laptop to even access this blog - and that does not bode well for any regularity in posting.. Of course, I haven't been as regular as I would like.....

So - I am working on some accountability for myself. I am so tired of being fat. I am so tired of smoking. I am tired of being unhealthy when I have so much to live for and do. My three daughters deserve so much more than I give them sometimes....Some of our favorite times together actually (get ready for this) involve outside activities that actually burn calories! *gasp* - I know!!! Amazing!

Changes with Hubby's job are going to cause us to be even stricter with our finances - hence more outside/recreational time will be utilized since a $75.00 run to the movies will be rare (tickets ans snacks for a family of 5 are not CHEAP!)

So tomorrow - a patch will go on my arm and I plan on taking a walk after school. With the girls. And I don't care that Thanksgiving is Thursday and why start now....because I KNOW that SOMETHING will ALWAYS be coming up - there will never be a good time to start or stop anything. Life isn't static - and my chaoices are the only thing I CAN make constant.

I am really looking forward to some changes in me.

I will hold myself accountable.

Look for more...later.