You are welcome here....

I started off thinking I was going to do a weight loss blog. That was too one dimensional for me - but I absolutely love some of the ones I follow! This is a typical, broad spectrum, anything goes hybrid of diary and therapy for me. You are welcome here.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Cycles of my Life


I have now experienced the entire life cycle of a chicken bred purely for consumption. Arriving as fat yellow chicks with throbbing butts, watching several die from egg yolk disease, 2 from heart attacks because they are genetically bred to grow so fast, and having 10 come the 4H stock show to choose the best 3 from....all in a short 6 week span. That's right - the chicken we eat goes from hatched egg to table ready in 6 weeks! Isn't that amazing? My egg hens I raise take 6 months before they lay a single egg - and grow so much slower! I wonder if I should take pause at eating a bird that has been selectively bred to gain weight (especially in the breast) so fast - that it's organs and bones can't keep up. These chickens lumber and plop down by the feed and sit to eat. They are fragile and finicky and die easily....they have heart attacks!! And we eat them!! However - I must say - I much prefer eating our own - knowing exactly what they were fed, and how humanely they were raised for their brief existence on this earth. Fresh water and bedding and food - twice a day. Sunlight and air - not darkness and poop!

I must also say....having a neighbor butcher them - outside and not in a factory that sees thousands of birds a day and is cleaned with chemicals - and then prepared and baked the next day.....


Well - it was worth it. I am considering how many chickens we would eat in a 2-3 month period - and just cycling those through our ranch. Start a new batch and in 6 weeks - butcher and put up...have a few weeks off, then get another batch....


No chemicals, no hormones, no ill treatment = great tasting dinner!

If we do incorporate meat chickens to our menagerie....*we already have eggs, venison and beef) - that would leave the final frontier of PORK. I like sausage, bacon and pork chops. I love a good pork tenderloin...but I am not sure about raising our own....I think it is because they are sooo smart! I think it would be like raising a dog and then eating it.....

I truly believe that every meat eating person should be required to go through the process - at least once - of raising and slaughtering and processing their own food. There has been such a distance between people and where their food comes from. Then again - their are some total food snobs out there that put me to shame! I am just saying that I do what I can with what I have - and we can all reach a little higher.

Just sharing a thought.....

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Yen and Yang

This is a great picture for my title. My eldest daughter and my husband represent both my greatest challenge and a significant part of my heart. My beloved husband is my best friend, awesome lover, my true partner in this life (and he doesn't even know about this blog - so I'm not blowing smoke!), but he can also be the most frustrating person in my life...next to our firstborn. We are actually trucking right along and doing FANtabulous - no arguing at all. My daughter on the other hand....
You know - I was reading another blog earlier, Thea in Australia, and the blogger had made a checklist of reasons her child was difficult. I could completely relate...and then I read the comments. While most were supportive, there were many completely bashing her. Her child was a result of her parenting, she shouldn't have had children, she was ungrateful for being blessed with ANY children...It made me sick. If you have not had the "joy" of trying to parent a "difficult" child - first off - lucky you. Secondly - shut your FUCKING mouth! For almost 9 years I have researched, scrutinized, medicated, counseled, behavior modified, read, consulted, and cried rivers in my attempt to help myself and my first born. I have limited who I let come by the house for fear of her tantrums being made known to the outside world. As a family of 5, we make conscientious decisions about what and where we go because of her outbursts. She dictates a huge part of our lives and her two younger sisters are deeply affected by it. My middle daughter ALWAYS gives in to her and the 3 year old will tell you "She doesn't like me." And she is right.
Do I love me eldest any less? NO. I tell her all the time that she is super special to me because she was my first and the one who made me a mommy. I would, will, and do anything I can for her. I have not given up. I will continue to learn and try and meet her needs while helping to breach the gaps and disabilities she has in frustration and flexibility. She, like my husband, can make me so happy and can so break my heart. Black and white, Yen and Yang.
So to any and all potential lurkers and posters out there - be careful when you pass judgment on others. You really have no idea what is going on in their lives. Try being supportive or say nothing - why should you want to bring anyone down? Be so thankful that you are not fighting that struggle. Women should support each other - not tear each other down.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Before and After pics















Before and After








Some more afters......




































Soooo - you can decide for yourself, but the bottom line is...I like it.
I am enjoying putting my hair up in a twist. I like straightening it and wearing it down if I want. I like the sporty pony tail that doesn't give me a killer head ache! I like not having black roots show through a week after doing my hair!

My head, my hair...

I like it!

Don't be afraid to make a drastic change - it is JUST hair.

I refuse to be defined by something so trivial.

I am more than my hair....and so are you!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Being Honest


I have not smoked - at all - since February 22nd. I have had only 2 binge eating episodes - and I must admit, they have not been the absolute worst...Last night was 2 bowls of noodle,meat, cheese casserole, 1 banana with peanut butter and a glass of chocolate milk......Felt terrible afterwards - but learned a lesson I thought I knew.
#1 - Don't let myself get that hungry! I had a shake for breakfast, a handful of almonds around 10:00, a wrap for lunch - then nada until dinner...(I did try to eat a cube of my EXPENSIVE aged cheddar - was good, but not enough...)
#2 - I can not cook that stuff anymore!! Pasta dishes in general are my trigger! I LOVE pasta - all kinds, all ways - and want to eat WAY too much. I can not eat 1 cup of pasta - ridiculous! So, my family will just have to forgo it most of the time. I can resist mac n cheese. They can have that - but not I.......


I am also coming to some undeniable truths in the exploration of self. I refuse to feel guilty about my eldest daughter any longer. Her behaviors are NOT a result of MY crappy parenting. I can now see our difficulties stemming from her disability. She has a disability in the area of frustration tolerance and flexibility. This may sound like a cop out - and if you think so - screw you! For the last 8 years, I have read, tried everything, medicated, punished, rewarded, cried, spanked, begged, counseled with, play therapied ourselves to death and even had 2 other children that EASILY fit in the spectrum of normal behaviors.....so what the hell!!??!!

Dr. Greene -The Explosive Child - may damn well of saved my sanity and my first born's life! I was to the point that I was considering letting her live with my parents, going back to major medications, or running away. Seriously. Now, I have a plan (3 to be exact) and we are working on it. It is a terrible feeling to think that you should not have had other children. I never wished for my eldest to not be born - juts the opposite. If I had KNOWN how difficult it was going to be - maybe I would not have had 2 more children. I love them each so much - but her demands make me feel so inadequate....and it seems so unfair sometimes.....I am glad to be back on track.
*side note * I have OWNED this book for a few years....just hadn't read it yet. Thanks Dad for the recommendation....

Monday, March 8, 2010

I am doing it.....

There is something spiritual about having your toes done. I used to scoff at pedicures - in fact, I often felt horrible for those that performed them. However - I have seen the light. For the last 2 years, I have steadily become a regular client at "Nails by Lee" - and I am not ashamed to admit that I wish I had a monthly standing appointment. That 1 hour of unadulterated ME time for the benefit of my little piggies has big payoff for me mentally. I think I will write it into my budget and go more regularly - I mean, it doesn't REALLY just benefit me. I am helping the economy, any body that has to gaze upon my footsies (and not go into a seizure at the condition of my cracked, calloused heels sans pedicures) and even my hubby - who I may rub up on occasionally ;)
I am also getting braver. Here is a wonderful photo taken of myself at 279 pounds. It was 276 on Friday - but I am blaming a few carby meals and water retention and plan on being under 276 for my weigh in on Friday. I am enjoying my SPark energy drink and massive amounts of water - and can probably log all the LONG walks down the hallway to the ladies room due to said h2o intake. I am chugging along - and even enjoyed a game of kickball with my students last Friday. Another teacher commented "you were really moving out there!" (I did score a run for the team I was on!) I told her - "Yeah - I can move when I have too. However, it is a great lesson for science concerning momentum - it takes me a bit of time to stop!" Had fun though......
Which leaves me with this last pic....a fellow friend blogger - kimayres at the ramblings of the bearded one - commented on portrait photography. Seems many don't like their mug. Oh - I like my face well enough. You can go back and see some of my previous entries for profile pics...Just can't seem to get the profile image to load on this stupid blog! I actually really like my face. It is rather symmetrical, a few moles for character, lots of laugh lines and worry lines (3 daughters - HELLO!) and my blue eyes. I like my straight nose and my lips are full enough. I wax often enough and pluck in between - and if I like you, you will see my dimples....
My face is not my problem - body image is another. I am working on it.....
Overall - I am doing it - and doing it well.....

Monday, March 1, 2010

Absolutely Amazing


I feel like a new person......I am not sure if it is not smoking, better eating, taking Spark (an energy/focusing supplement) or what - but man - I like it! For the last 7 days I have had more energy, a better attitude - you know, the "I CAN DO THIS!" mentality that allows me to get my checklists done and not feel like a failure. If I was spending money like crazy and not sleeping - I would think that I was a total bipolar mess (like my beloved deceased Grandmother). She LOVED her mania - which is why she would stop her lithium and spiral away......

I feel joy like I have not in a LONG, LONG time. I feel inspired and capable and I am noticing that feeling this way just snowballs all the other things I want to do - be healthier, lose weight, be a better parent, teacher, partner, daughter.....It is just amazing!


My husband has even noticed (an appreciated ;) ) my new found energy and attitude....A good thing about blogging about it - for me, is that if I do spiral down - I will have evidence of a problem. I was in a really bad place. The kind of mental lowness that kept me daydreaming about running away to Alaska, smoking myself to death in a cheap place of abode, waiting tables with no responsibilites! Did I mention that I was going there ALONE? That's right - I was fantasizing of leaving EVERYTHING and being responsible for NO ONE but me.....Terrible!

How could I ever think about leaving this?