Sunday, November 21, 2010
So - I am working on some accountability for myself. I am so tired of being fat. I am so tired of smoking. I am tired of being unhealthy when I have so much to live for and do. My three daughters deserve so much more than I give them sometimes....Some of our favorite times together actually (get ready for this) involve outside activities that actually burn calories! *gasp* - I know!!! Amazing!
Changes with Hubby's job are going to cause us to be even stricter with our finances - hence more outside/recreational time will be utilized since a $75.00 run to the movies will be rare (tickets ans snacks for a family of 5 are not CHEAP!)
So tomorrow - a patch will go on my arm and I plan on taking a walk after school. With the girls. And I don't care that Thanksgiving is Thursday and why start now....because I KNOW that SOMETHING will ALWAYS be coming up - there will never be a good time to start or stop anything. Life isn't static - and my chaoices are the only thing I CAN make constant.
I am really looking forward to some changes in me.
I will hold myself accountable.
Look for more...later.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Weight wise - same -
But the visit with the dietician was good. I have cut sodas out - no one in the family has them - even if we go out for dinner. Low fat and light products have appeared in the fridge and pantry - and tons of fresh fruit is always around. I think we are slowly making a difference. Next to tackle...actual, scheduled, regular exercise - for all of us!
Work is well...I am so busy! Love teaching math - so much fun!
Realtionships - well, at work - different. Good with team - not so good with admin...because they are crazy. Seriously.
Home life - pretty good. You know you have it alright when you go with your girlfirend to watch Eat,Love, Pray - and she is sobbing and you are thinking - "what's the big deal?"
My girls are growing so fast...I am striving every day to be a better mom. I catch myself putting off their requests to play because I have to get the kitchen done, or laundry put up, or whatever....and I hate myself for it.... I am working on it.
Until I get a better computer - this is probably it for awhile....
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
School clothes and supplies are all bought and I have a few days left to work in my classroom - would be none, but I have been moved to teach 4th grade math....because it is a needy group and I build good relationships with students.....yeah me! I am soooo good with everyone else's children, wish I was as good with my own.
I have been validated by my close girlfriends and let go of some drama inducing, unhealthy ones....feels like a load off! My best friend may be moving down this way...will know more after this Wednesday. I have fallen completely in love with a new blog www.thepioneerwomna.com and have done some reading and no writing except for this poor little neglected blog.
Hubby and I have written out a new budget. Amazing where $6,000 take home a month goes....terrible. Really.
I wish I was more focused and dedicated to writing here. These long jaunts make my entries entirely too scattered. Perhaps soon I will pick just one topic to expound upon. Until then, I feel like this is just a place holder fo me until the next time I can find a few spare minutes to write....
Monday, August 2, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
This brings me to the seemingly unrelated pics above. One is at our HillBilly House party - hence the pig tails and gingham shirt - and the other is Havasu Falls. The party pic - I was having a blast, but felt SO huge! Could be the checkered tablecloth of a shirt I was wearing, the constant sweating in the 100' weather, the fact that I was the BIGGEST person there (not to mention the biggest person on my campus where I work, in my social circle, at my high school reunion...the list goes on and on..) Honestly, I think part of my acceptance of myself concerning my size is that I have always been an Amazon among my peers. At 5'10'', I am pretty damn big - no two ways about it. I have been large built my whole life - but I really do think I was more athletic in highschool - not fat. Well, there is no doubt now...
Anyway - the other pic. I am a water baby. I LOVE the water. Unfortunatley, that generally requires a significant reduction in clothing to enjoy - and when I went to the Bahamas - fat be damned, I jumped in my expensive (because a $150 suit makes me look better!) one piece and hopped in. Yes - biggest one around - and what?? But the falls you see in this pic.... to get to them requires a certain level of fitness. I am talking a 10 mile hike to an Indain Village , then another 2 miles to geth there. Of course, you COULD take a Helicopter in to the village and only hike the 2 miles, but they have a 250 pound per passenger weight limit - or you have to pay for 2 people (how mortifying!) You can also get there on horseback (those poor horses - I refuse to even ride a Morgan at this size!) or the use of pack mules to carry your stuff. Either way, I doubt many 287 pounders have expereinced the nirvana these travertine falls offer.
So long rambling to a close...those falls are my goal. The weight loss will be a by product of that goal. Yes - I know I have a significant amount of weight to lose. Surgery still terrifies me. I want a level of health that will coorelate to the activities I want to particiapte in. My body will fall in line with that. My new Saucony tennis shoes from Amazon.com (I wear a size 11 - hard to come by in a store!) should be here in a day or two. I ate a healthy breakfast today and am planning my lunch and dinner. I have a kettle bell to start some kind of weight resistance, a tread mill at my disposal, numerous work out dvds, 3 children and a supportive husband all waiting for anything I throw at them! Oh - and a pool membership, and friends that go to gyms, and parents that will help me in any way....
I am so lucky.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Okay - I am getting over it. Of course -in the course of getting over it I have made some very interesting revelations about myself as well as catching a glimpse of how other people see me. None of which were really great....
1st) People, people close to me, view me as bitter, angry, mad, upset. Funny thing is, I only view myself that way...SOME of the time. And only lately at that. I remember last summer a girlfriend bemoaning some error her husband had made, and I was a good listener - and she commented that I NEVER complained about my husband. My - how times can change..... Then the daughter of a friend was visiting and said " Smile - I haven't seen you smile since I have been here..."
2nd) As I spiraled into almost rage at the absence of my husband over a holiday weekend while I was home with OUR 3 kids and a semi-functioning vehicle, I came to the realization that I have no desire to be a single parent. Right - no divorce in my future. Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief before I slap you across the face with this fact....
If I was to get divorced, I don't think I would want primary custody of my children. At least not right now. I just don't think I could do it. Of course - with his job - he couldn't either - so there you go. I do love my husband - and I believe he loves me - but man, our communication has got to improve. That - or we just may be battling it out in front of a judge...deciding who WILL take the kids!
3rd) I may just be a little crazy. I had a moment where I was crying, talking to my husband about feeling abandoned..and one huge tear formed over my eye, spilled over the edge, and a strange sense of clarity arrived at about the time the last of the moisture was pulled from my lens...literally, it was like sadness gathered in that droplet and left my body. I sat up, washed my face, and just decided I was not going to cry any more. Now don't get me wrong - my eyes still prickle with tears at asinine reasons, but the waterfalls are stopped - for now.
So overall, I am working at not being such a bitch, smiling more, loving my kiddos more, and communicating better. Yeah - summer here I come. Not sure how much pretend play I am going to be able to handle - but I do well with beach trips. Yes - lots and lots of beach trips...
Damn - that means swimsuits for me.....uuugghhh - another post another day.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Are you judgmental of someone if you feel their appearance is self-imposed? A fat person has no self control, they did it to themselves, they are lazy. What about people/children with birth defects? Do you view them with pity and cast a suspicious glance at their mother and wonder what she did? Do you even give a person with burn scars a chance and try to get to know them or do you turn away, not make eye contact, and walk away?
I am not perfect. Not in a physical sense, emotional, spiritual, financial sense - not in any way at all. I can hold grudges, gossip, binge eat, over spend, not go to church - you name it, I am probably guilty of it....
but I do think I have one silver lining that shines through. I have one personal attribute that I AM proud of and while it is not one that is openly commended in public or even really discussed, I am proud of myself for it. I do not look at anybody's physical self and make a split second decision about them. This is not something I was born doing - in fact, quite the opposite. I almost wonder if we are geared (through media and peers) TO judge others at first sight very early in our lives. Societal pressure is a BITCH! However, over the years...through my own personal evolvement, I no longer do that. I do a lot of other stupid, hurtful, idiotic things - but not that. No human being is invisible to me. I meet the eyes of the person in wheel chair, talk to the mother with the 3 year old with Down's Syndrome I see at the grocery store, I hug the child at my school that drools. No one is perfect. No one should be invisible. No one should be judged by their appearance. It is shocking how often I see it happen in public and at schools. Take a look around - and embrace every soul on this Earth with the compassion human beings are capable of.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
I am 10 days without smoking and 10 days with 150 mg of Wellbutrin. Overall, I would say the meds must be helping some as I have not killed anyone..yet. I still find myself in a foul mood - and of course, it is my mother who has born the brunt of that. It is almost like an out of body experience when I am lashing out at her. I see it happening, I want to stop, but I don't...then I call her and apologize and feel so fortunate that she is so forgiving...with me anyway.
Something else I have come to terms with...all the feelings of isolation, the stinkin' thinkin' about myself and relations with others, feeling like I am on the outside looking in - well guess what? I am not alone in this. I have always like the song "Behind Blue Eyes" - by The Who. No one knows what it's like...behind blue eyes...
because I felt it described some of my feelings. The wonders of blogland have opened these blue eyes to sooo much. There ARE others like me, that are sensitive to some of the most insignificant social nuances. There are others out there with difficult children. There are others out there that just feel like they THINK differently than the masses. There are others that view eating, food, weight, family, jobs, and friendships like me..and they like to write like I do. Granted, many are much more fluent and prolific than I am, but I am here. And so are they.
It is nice to know I am not alone. It is nice to know I am not a freak or terrible mother or have absolutely no will power. It is wonderful to not be the only one behind blue eyes.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
And ex - wives. OMG. I think I may unleash a bit of my unrequited rage on her tonight. I am just about done with the snarky attitude, the complaining, the sheer avarice with which any phone message from her seethes with her bitterness of her biggest mistake. Get over whack job. It's been 14 years!!! Find someone else for the love of GOD! Torture some other family - and quit harping about karma! Maybe you should take a look around and realize your empty, lonely, low rent life is because of YOUR karma. You are a cheater, a lousy mother, an ignorant blight on the world that spews filth and hate - still! My God.......I love how she leaves messages on MY cellphone for my husband. She had HIS number. AAAAHHH! I just can't stand her.....
And I no longer believe there is such a thing as grown ups. Instead, bodies just get bigger and mentalities stay pretty much the same as they were in junior high. I have seen it over and over again....disgusting. Bullying, mocking, cliques and impenetrable circles based on God knows what to justify the who's who and who's not....Just so tired of it. Really.
So I leave this entry feeling no better than when I started. I need to get over this mad feeling soon -
Monday, May 10, 2010
I am taking a real good look at myself. Have you ever experienced true denial? Have you ever had people tell you something over and over again, but you just don't see it? I already joke about my reverse anorexia....you know...I see the number on the scale, I see the sizes on the tags, but I just don't think I am THAT big! Perhaps this same "denial" is occurring for my moods. It's easy to discount your mother - that's what we all do - isn't it? Especially if your mother is ready to diagnose and recommend pharmaceutical cures for everyone but herself.... But what if close friends are hinting, sharing, and making comments about the wonders of anti-depressants? Do you listen - or just nod your head and thank them so much for caring. Do you say "Thanks" or "Butt out"? Do you feel loved and cared for or annoyed and irritated? I am feeling both.
I have used anti-depressants before. For 6 months. Then I got pregnant and have not had TIME to be depressed. I am exhausted at times. Elated at others. I am bitchy sometimes - and a seemingly endless pool of patience at others. My poor kids - they never know which way I will swing. 432 warnings or a spanking- guess what's behind door number 3!!! Then again, as a behavior specialist, I know intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful! :) Special ed humor there.....
I like to read back over my posts - and I can definitely tell when I am on a upswing. The down is not in a hole - just a BLAH feeling. I function. I am not bipolar - but everyone has mood swings - right? Why does our society feel like a little valley must be jumped on and medicated? Why would I medicate myself when I don't even medicate my child? Of course - perhaps I do not medicate my child because I do not medicate myself. I despise pharmaceutical companies, drug reps, and doctors that "push" the latest drugs for wonderful freebies....kind of takes the whole trust/relationship aspect out of the equation for me.
Anyway - whoever said life was supposed to be roses ALL the time? Will taking a drug give me a nice plastic glow? Or will I truly feel more on my upswing? I don't feel depressed so much as irritated...a lot. But I believe I have almost always been that way. I am innately bitchy. I have very early memories of my mother telling me how negative I was. Of course - I like to consider myself just more of a realist...
So - long rant cut short, I do have an appointment with my family physician at 4:15 today. I had to go anyway to go over some blood work. Might as well discuss medication for mild to moderate depression with him. I mean - what's a little more weight gain, possible seizures or liver damage really stack up against being a shiny, happy person?
I don't know...maybe it will be worth it.
I may do a little research though.. I wonder what the percentages are of women with 3 young children, full time jobs, work-related absentee husbands, compound living, disabled brother, over qualified for their job types that are medicated? I am guessing quite a few. Of course - food and nicotine have been my 2 favorites - but I am (once again) quitting one and possibly thinking about moderating the other....
We shall see......
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
These are the days that fly by and then you turn around in a few years and say "Where did time go?" I am trying to appreciate the small things - dancing with my kids. My babies 3 year old unbearable cuteness, funny anecdotes from students....living in the moment. Then another weekend rolls up and mundane chores prevail and it seems almost Ground Hog Dayish....
I am not down - but I am not hyped either. I feel very vanilla....
Sure, there are some things that have my feathers ruffled....an administrative position possibly opened and not feeling like I have a shot. The uncertainty of what position I will have next year while trying to hand over materials to the new special ed teacher. Home improvement issues (I HATE my stained carpet!!) that will have to wait due to lack of $, figuring out when and how step-daughter will come this summer, continued and ongoing stress - or actually lack of any contact - with in laws....
very simple, ordinary stuff. No rage. No passion - just kind of blah...
It's Wednesday. Normally called Hump day - but it is just another day -
I feel blessed overall -
not overly so - not underly (new word!) so -
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I have now experienced the entire life cycle of a chicken bred purely for consumption. Arriving as fat yellow chicks with throbbing butts, watching several die from egg yolk disease, 2 from heart attacks because they are genetically bred to grow so fast, and having 10 come the 4H stock show to choose the best 3 from....all in a short 6 week span. That's right - the chicken we eat goes from hatched egg to table ready in 6 weeks! Isn't that amazing? My egg hens I raise take 6 months before they lay a single egg - and grow so much slower! I wonder if I should take pause at eating a bird that has been selectively bred to gain weight (especially in the breast) so fast - that it's organs and bones can't keep up. These chickens lumber and plop down by the feed and sit to eat. They are fragile and finicky and die easily....they have heart attacks!! And we eat them!! However - I must say - I much prefer eating our own - knowing exactly what they were fed, and how humanely they were raised for their brief existence on this earth. Fresh water and bedding and food - twice a day. Sunlight and air - not darkness and poop!
I must also say....having a neighbor butcher them - outside and not in a factory that sees thousands of birds a day and is cleaned with chemicals - and then prepared and baked the next day.....
Well - it was worth it. I am considering how many chickens we would eat in a 2-3 month period - and just cycling those through our ranch. Start a new batch and in 6 weeks - butcher and put up...have a few weeks off, then get another batch....
No chemicals, no hormones, no ill treatment = great tasting dinner!
If we do incorporate meat chickens to our menagerie....*we already have eggs, venison and beef) - that would leave the final frontier of PORK. I like sausage, bacon and pork chops. I love a good pork tenderloin...but I am not sure about raising our own....I think it is because they are sooo smart! I think it would be like raising a dog and then eating it.....
I truly believe that every meat eating person should be required to go through the process - at least once - of raising and slaughtering and processing their own food. There has been such a distance between people and where their food comes from. Then again - their are some total food snobs out there that put me to shame! I am just saying that I do what I can with what I have - and we can all reach a little higher.
Just sharing a thought.....
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
You know - I was reading another blog earlier, Thea in Australia, and the blogger had made a checklist of reasons her child was difficult. I could completely relate...and then I read the comments. While most were supportive, there were many completely bashing her. Her child was a result of her parenting, she shouldn't have had children, she was ungrateful for being blessed with ANY children...It made me sick. If you have not had the "joy" of trying to parent a "difficult" child - first off - lucky you. Secondly - shut your FUCKING mouth! For almost 9 years I have researched, scrutinized, medicated, counseled, behavior modified, read, consulted, and cried rivers in my attempt to help myself and my first born. I have limited who I let come by the house for fear of her tantrums being made known to the outside world. As a family of 5, we make conscientious decisions about what and where we go because of her outbursts. She dictates a huge part of our lives and her two younger sisters are deeply affected by it. My middle daughter ALWAYS gives in to her and the 3 year old will tell you "She doesn't like me." And she is right.
Do I love me eldest any less? NO. I tell her all the time that she is super special to me because she was my first and the one who made me a mommy. I would, will, and do anything I can for her. I have not given up. I will continue to learn and try and meet her needs while helping to breach the gaps and disabilities she has in frustration and flexibility. She, like my husband, can make me so happy and can so break my heart. Black and white, Yen and Yang.
So to any and all potential lurkers and posters out there - be careful when you pass judgment on others. You really have no idea what is going on in their lives. Try being supportive or say nothing - why should you want to bring anyone down? Be so thankful that you are not fighting that struggle. Women should support each other - not tear each other down.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Before and After
Some more afters......
Soooo - you can decide for yourself, but the bottom line is...I like it.
I am enjoying putting my hair up in a twist. I like straightening it and wearing it down if I want. I like the sporty pony tail that doesn't give me a killer head ache! I like not having black roots show through a week after doing my hair!
My head, my hair...
I like it!
Don't be afraid to make a drastic change - it is JUST hair.
I refuse to be defined by something so trivial.
I am more than my hair....and so are you!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I have not smoked - at all - since February 22nd. I have had only 2 binge eating episodes - and I must admit, they have not been the absolute worst...Last night was 2 bowls of noodle,meat, cheese casserole, 1 banana with peanut butter and a glass of chocolate milk......Felt terrible afterwards - but learned a lesson I thought I knew.
#1 - Don't let myself get that hungry! I had a shake for breakfast, a handful of almonds around 10:00, a wrap for lunch - then nada until dinner...(I did try to eat a cube of my EXPENSIVE aged cheddar - was good, but not enough...)
#2 - I can not cook that stuff anymore!! Pasta dishes in general are my trigger! I LOVE pasta - all kinds, all ways - and want to eat WAY too much. I can not eat 1 cup of pasta - ridiculous! So, my family will just have to forgo it most of the time. I can resist mac n cheese. They can have that - but not I.......
I am also coming to some undeniable truths in the exploration of self. I refuse to feel guilty about my eldest daughter any longer. Her behaviors are NOT a result of MY crappy parenting. I can now see our difficulties stemming from her disability. She has a disability in the area of frustration tolerance and flexibility. This may sound like a cop out - and if you think so - screw you! For the last 8 years, I have read, tried everything, medicated, punished, rewarded, cried, spanked, begged, counseled with, play therapied ourselves to death and even had 2 other children that EASILY fit in the spectrum of normal behaviors.....so what the hell!!??!!
Dr. Greene -The Explosive Child - may damn well of saved my sanity and my first born's life! I was to the point that I was considering letting her live with my parents, going back to major medications, or running away. Seriously. Now, I have a plan (3 to be exact) and we are working on it. It is a terrible feeling to think that you should not have had other children. I never wished for my eldest to not be born - juts the opposite. If I had KNOWN how difficult it was going to be - maybe I would not have had 2 more children. I love them each so much - but her demands make me feel so inadequate....and it seems so unfair sometimes.....I am glad to be back on track.
*side note * I have OWNED this book for a few years....just hadn't read it yet. Thanks Dad for the recommendation....
Monday, March 8, 2010
I am also getting braver. Here is a wonderful photo taken of myself at 279 pounds. It was 276 on Friday - but I am blaming a few carby meals and water retention and plan on being under 276 for my weigh in on Friday. I am enjoying my SPark energy drink and massive amounts of water - and can probably log all the LONG walks down the hallway to the ladies room due to said h2o intake. I am chugging along - and even enjoyed a game of kickball with my students last Friday. Another teacher commented "you were really moving out there!" (I did score a run for the team I was on!) I told her - "Yeah - I can move when I have too. However, it is a great lesson for science concerning momentum - it takes me a bit of time to stop!" Had fun though......
Which leaves me with this last pic....a fellow friend blogger - kimayres at the ramblings of the bearded one - commented on portrait photography. Seems many don't like their mug. Oh - I like my face well enough. You can go back and see some of my previous entries for profile pics...Just can't seem to get the profile image to load on this stupid blog! I actually really like my face. It is rather symmetrical, a few moles for character, lots of laugh lines and worry lines (3 daughters - HELLO!) and my blue eyes. I like my straight nose and my lips are full enough. I wax often enough and pluck in between - and if I like you, you will see my dimples....
My face is not my problem - body image is another. I am working on it.....
Overall - I am doing it - and doing it well.....
Monday, March 1, 2010
I feel like a new person......I am not sure if it is not smoking, better eating, taking Spark (an energy/focusing supplement) or what - but man - I like it! For the last 7 days I have had more energy, a better attitude - you know, the "I CAN DO THIS!" mentality that allows me to get my checklists done and not feel like a failure. If I was spending money like crazy and not sleeping - I would think that I was a total bipolar mess (like my beloved deceased Grandmother). She LOVED her mania - which is why she would stop her lithium and spiral away......
I feel joy like I have not in a LONG, LONG time. I feel inspired and capable and I am noticing that feeling this way just snowballs all the other things I want to do - be healthier, lose weight, be a better parent, teacher, partner, daughter.....It is just amazing!
My husband has even noticed (an appreciated ;) ) my new found energy and attitude....A good thing about blogging about it - for me, is that if I do spiral down - I will have evidence of a problem. I was in a really bad place. The kind of mental lowness that kept me daydreaming about running away to Alaska, smoking myself to death in a cheap place of abode, waiting tables with no responsibilites! Did I mention that I was going there ALONE? That's right - I was fantasizing of leaving EVERYTHING and being responsible for NO ONE but me.....Terrible!
How could I ever think about leaving this?
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Perhaps is was a horrid bladder infection that I tried to treat myself with Mexican antibiotics (note to others: Amoxicillin is great for upper respiratory, but not so good with bladders - oh, and it can give you a raving yeast infection too!)
So to the doctor I go, admit my self medication, grovel for the one pill yeast infection cure without the humiliation of stirrups (by God, I know what a yeast infection is!!) and 2 weeks later I am finally coming out of a fog. I am still fat. I still smoke. I still have issues with my kiddos and my life......big freakin' surprise huh?
So the pics are just how I am feeling. Behind a veil. A part of my pieces. Not feeling so upbeat and wonderful and optimistic these days. Dragging through the week - punctuated with extreme joy and then sadness. Watching the clock to get to bed at night, barely keeping up with household chores, fatigued as hell and constantly bashing myself with what I am not good at,not doing right, not getting better at.....
Then I try and ease up on myself - and just admit I am a big, fat, smoker...there - is that the worst thing in life? I am such and ADDICT! I hope to be back soon with a little something better to say about anything.....