You are welcome here....

I started off thinking I was going to do a weight loss blog. That was too one dimensional for me - but I absolutely love some of the ones I follow! This is a typical, broad spectrum, anything goes hybrid of diary and therapy for me. You are welcome here.

Friday, May 21, 2010

How do you see yourself?

I know that this is a kind of funny picture. It is obviously not how I look (you can see my profile pic to the right) - but do you ever feel like this? Do you ever wonder how others see you? I definitely have parts of my body that I do not like, and I am sure I see some of my parts in a much better light than viewed by others. How did we ever get to the point that so much emphasis was placed on appearance anyway?
Are you judgmental of someone if you feel their appearance is self-imposed? A fat person has no self control, they did it to themselves, they are lazy. What about people/children with birth defects? Do you view them with pity and cast a suspicious glance at their mother and wonder what she did? Do you even give a person with burn scars a chance and try to get to know them or do you turn away, not make eye contact, and walk away?
I am not perfect. Not in a physical sense, emotional, spiritual, financial sense - not in any way at all. I can hold grudges, gossip, binge eat, over spend, not go to church - you name it, I am probably guilty of it....
but I do think I have one silver lining that shines through. I have one personal attribute that I AM proud of and while it is not one that is openly commended in public or even really discussed, I am proud of myself for it. I do not look at anybody's physical self and make a split second decision about them. This is not something I was born doing - in fact, quite the opposite. I almost wonder if we are geared (through media and peers) TO judge others at first sight very early in our lives. Societal pressure is a BITCH! However, over the years...through my own personal evolvement, I no longer do that. I do a lot of other stupid, hurtful, idiotic things - but not that. No human being is invisible to me. I meet the eyes of the person in wheel chair, talk to the mother with the 3 year old with Down's Syndrome I see at the grocery store, I hug the child at my school that drools. No one is perfect. No one should be invisible. No one should be judged by their appearance. It is shocking how often I see it happen in public and at schools. Take a look around - and embrace every soul on this Earth with the compassion human beings are capable of.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Behind Blue Eyes

I am 10 days without smoking and 10 days with 150 mg of Wellbutrin. Overall, I would say the meds must be helping some as I have not killed anyone..yet. I still find myself in a foul mood - and of course, it is my mother who has born the brunt of that. It is almost like an out of body experience when I am lashing out at her. I see it happening, I want to stop, but I don't...then I call her and apologize and feel so fortunate that she is so forgiving...with me anyway.
Something else I have come to terms with...all the feelings of isolation, the stinkin' thinkin' about myself and relations with others, feeling like I am on the outside looking in - well guess what? I am not alone in this. I have always like the song "Behind Blue Eyes" - by The Who. No one knows what it's like...behind blue eyes...
because I felt it described some of my feelings. The wonders of blogland have opened these blue eyes to sooo much. There ARE others like me, that are sensitive to some of the most insignificant social nuances. There are others out there with difficult children. There are others out there that just feel like they THINK differently than the masses. There are others that view eating, food, weight, family, jobs, and friendships like me..and they like to write like I do. Granted, many are much more fluent and prolific than I am, but I am here. And so are they.
It is nice to know I am not alone. It is nice to know I am not a freak or terrible mother or have absolutely no will power. It is wonderful to not be the only one behind blue eyes.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Could it be????

I am starting to feel a little better. Being a fan of science, I must say that there are really entirely too many variable to contribute this to any one thing. Day 4 of antidepressants - my gut says it is really too early - but this is brain chemistry and therefore a very individual thing. I am 4 days without a cigarette (yes, I know this seems a bit masochistic, but I just assume get all the SHIT over with at once. I am the jump in the pool, rip off the band aid in one fell swoop kind of girl) so it could be that. My husband is returning from an out of town trip tomorrow and I am relishing handing over the parental reins for a while and basking in doing nothing for a day or 2. I am at peace with my work related, self imposed funk and have just come to terms - again - with the fact that some (maybe even a lot) of people just suck. So which or what is it that is making me feel a bit better today? Who knows...but feeling better I am. Yeah me.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I did it

wellbutrin SR - actually buprorion SR - the generic. Day 2. No smoking and taking a different drug. I have to tell you - so far I think I am just MORE pissy.. In fact - I know it. I am trying to isolate myself so my rage does not bleed over onto my friends. Nothing like hurting the ones that love you the most...I am already doing that. Had 2 emails from friends asking if I was mad at them.. Nice - huh? And work - love the kids and my class - can't stand the admin and BS that goes with it. Kind of ironic that I am applying so they can tell me no. Of course, this allows me to armchair QB with impunity. I can always say "See, I tried...." He he he. I think this will be the last time I apply locally though. I will just enjoy my kiddos growing up and then commute later...I have a long way to go until retirement. I am looking at the marathon stretch right now - I can sprint later.
And ex - wives. OMG. I think I may unleash a bit of my unrequited rage on her tonight. I am just about done with the snarky attitude, the complaining, the sheer avarice with which any phone message from her seethes with her bitterness of her biggest mistake. Get over whack job. It's been 14 years!!! Find someone else for the love of GOD! Torture some other family - and quit harping about karma! Maybe you should take a look around and realize your empty, lonely, low rent life is because of YOUR karma. You are a cheater, a lousy mother, an ignorant blight on the world that spews filth and hate - still! My God.......I love how she leaves messages on MY cellphone for my husband. She had HIS number. AAAAHHH! I just can't stand her.....
And I no longer believe there is such a thing as grown ups. Instead, bodies just get bigger and mentalities stay pretty much the same as they were in junior high. I have seen it over and over again....disgusting. Bullying, mocking, cliques and impenetrable circles based on God knows what to justify the who's who and who's not....Just so tired of it. Really.
So I leave this entry feeling no better than when I started. I need to get over this mad feeling soon -
so frustrated.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Perceptions vs. Reality vs. things I know and don't want to deal with

I am taking a real good look at myself. Have you ever experienced true denial? Have you ever had people tell you something over and over again, but you just don't see it? I already joke about my reverse know...I see the number on the scale, I see the sizes on the tags, but I just don't think I am THAT big! Perhaps this same "denial" is occurring for my moods. It's easy to discount your mother - that's what we all do - isn't it? Especially if your mother is ready to diagnose and recommend pharmaceutical cures for everyone but herself.... But what if close friends are hinting, sharing, and making comments about the wonders of anti-depressants? Do you listen - or just nod your head and thank them so much for caring. Do you say "Thanks" or "Butt out"? Do you feel loved and cared for or annoyed and irritated? I am feeling both.
I have used anti-depressants before. For 6 months. Then I got pregnant and have not had TIME to be depressed. I am exhausted at times. Elated at others. I am bitchy sometimes - and a seemingly endless pool of patience at others. My poor kids - they never know which way I will swing. 432 warnings or a spanking- guess what's behind door number 3!!! Then again, as a behavior specialist, I know intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful! :) Special ed humor there.....
I like to read back over my posts - and I can definitely tell when I am on a upswing. The down is not in a hole - just a BLAH feeling. I function. I am not bipolar - but everyone has mood swings - right? Why does our society feel like a little valley must be jumped on and medicated? Why would I medicate myself when I don't even medicate my child? Of course - perhaps I do not medicate my child because I do not medicate myself. I despise pharmaceutical companies, drug reps, and doctors that "push" the latest drugs for wonderful freebies....kind of takes the whole trust/relationship aspect out of the equation for me.
Anyway - whoever said life was supposed to be roses ALL the time? Will taking a drug give me a nice plastic glow? Or will I truly feel more on my upswing? I don't feel depressed so much as irritated...a lot. But I believe I have almost always been that way. I am innately bitchy. I have very early memories of my mother telling me how negative I was. Of course - I like to consider myself just more of a realist...
So - long rant cut short, I do have an appointment with my family physician at 4:15 today. I had to go anyway to go over some blood work. Might as well discuss medication for mild to moderate depression with him. I mean - what's a little more weight gain, possible seizures or liver damage really stack up against being a shiny, happy person?
I don't know...maybe it will be worth it.
I may do a little research though.. I wonder what the percentages are of women with 3 young children, full time jobs, work-related absentee husbands, compound living, disabled brother, over qualified for their job types that are medicated? I am guessing quite a few. Of course - food and nicotine have been my 2 favorites - but I am (once again) quitting one and possibly thinking about moderating the other....
We shall see......