tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13279201854687710772024-02-07T04:04:09.566-08:00I always said I would be an author one day..Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.comBlogger47125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-42529967798302134952012-12-29T15:32:00.003-08:002012-12-29T15:32:51.487-08:00down 82 Pounds!I survived the holidays with slower weight loss.....but it's a loss! <br />
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Yay me!<br /><br />Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-59939973897806213092012-12-08T08:38:00.002-08:002012-12-08T08:38:54.540-08:00So Sorry!!Not sure how many people actually come here to read...but if you are one, I am so sorry I haven't kept up with it more! I know I am sad when I go to a blog I like only to see it hasn't been updated in FOREVER :(<br />
<br />
I post a lot on the vertical sleeve talk forum, but this is mine, and I should do better....<br />
<br />
I just passed my 5 month surgiversary...and weigh 218 as of this morning. I wear a 14/16 and I believe that is like 74 pounds down from July 2nd! I love it.<br />
<br />
I haven't puked once, been in pain, or had any major problems. The worse thing has been my hair thinning out, but I had a lot to start with and I know it will thicken out again with time. <br />
<br />
I love this surgery.<br />
<br />
If you are thinking about it - go for it. It is the best thing I have ever done for myself.<br />
<br />
<br />Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-34105221475282352312012-07-28T09:47:00.001-07:002012-07-28T09:47:27.042-07:00NSV - Non-surgical victory!I am not even a full month out (surgery was July 2nd) and I am down
like 23 pounds from day of surgery. My clothes are fitting loose and I
have soooo much more energy. I am already noticing my confidence
returning...and my adventurous nature! The other day, I DIVED off a
diving board - 3 times! My children have NEVER sen me do this! They
loved it - and so did I!!! Also - we went to the movies, and my butt
fit in the chair! My husband - who is 100% supportive and never made me
feel less than sexy - is astounded! He is gone 2 weeks at a time - so
he sees bigger changes than I do in the day to day functioning.......<br />
<br />
I
am excited...I haven't lost much in the last week and a half, but I
have faith. Food is not controlling my life, yet I enjoy SMALL portions
of really good food that is good for me! I am hitting 60g of protein a
day - thank God I love fish!!Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-26287195475587196202012-07-19T17:10:00.003-07:002012-07-19T17:10:33.902-07:0017 days post surgeryWent to the Dr. today - I have lost 20 pounds so far and dropped my
BMI 5%. He says I am doing fantastic, my incisions are completely
healed and I have permission to submerge! Here I come Beach, pool and
rivers...it's just not a summer in Texas without floating down the river
a few times!! <br />
<br />
My concerns were this:<br />
<br />
1.)
I haven't lost any weight at ALL in 4 days. He says to put away my
scale, I say no way! He said hide it, I said I am sorry, but no!<br />
<br />
2.)
My heart felt like it was thudding out of my chest the other night -
very strange. It was like every 4th or 5th beat, it would pound hard.
It isn't doing it now, and no pain - he says sometimes your esophagus
can spasm...but I said there was no pain...he said strange, let me know
if it happens again. He also asked about my fluid intake - I am good,
and drink 24 oz of G2 gatorade to keep my electrolytes good.....so we
shall see....<br />
<br />
3.) My muscles are achy - like I
worked out hard. Stiffer in the mornings, better as the day goes...but
still sore. I have been BUSY - lots of running around, errands, kid
stuff, but no "working out". He said very rarely, the anesthesia they
use, particularly the stuff that paralyzes your muscles, takes a LONG
time to get out of your system. This could explain why I pretty much
had NO pain after surgery and could sleep in my bed as soon as I came
home with no discomfort or pain meds....I pay for it now :( Anyway, he
says it should subside..... <br />
<br />
That was about it.
Still no lifting - can go walking or do cardio. No tough meats or
veggies until 6 weeks out - no problem, loving my fish!! I told him his
shakes blow, and that I will be thrilled to never HAVE to drink a meal
again! Of course - I do have some Muscle Milk in the fridge for when I
HAVE to grab something on the way out the door. I am really trying to
hit my 60-70g of protein a day. I don't want to be a flabby bag of
skin!! <br />
<br />
My back bothers me - but when I asked
about a chiropractor, he said NO! I didn't need to be twisted and
contorted yet (I have never been to one). He said to treat myself to a
massage - and that it would be better and cheaper! I will have to tell
hubby this ;)<br />
<br />
ANyway - feeling great elsewise....no
fatigue, in a good mood. Looking forward to more pounds
dropping......<br />
<br />Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-81403679419197117922012-07-14T16:12:00.002-07:002012-07-14T16:12:22.768-07:00It is done.SO - pneumonia derailed original surgery date and plans. God keeps working on me with the whole "I am a planner" attitude! Date was moved to July 2nd, I was terrified, went in at 292 and here I am now 12 days later at 274. I am drinking my water and soooo ready for the "soft" foods....give me a fish filet or give me death!! :) I kid, I kid.....The full liquid stage is terrible - really!<br />
<br />
Surgery wasn't horrible. My nerves were!! I woke up afterwards nauseous! That lasted most of the day, but by evening I was okay. I was up and walking and peeing a few hours after getting back to my room. This surgery didn't seem to be as painful as the laprascopic hysterectomy I had a few years ago.....<br />
The next day - the liquid they made me drink for the leak test started the nausea all over again - and it lasted all day! I got to go home that evening, and I have been fine since. No pain meds and sleeping in my bed with no problems. <br />
<br />
It is HARD to get all the liquid in they want you too....too much and you feel uncomfortable!!!<br />
<br />
More later!!!!Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-64693797516001899262012-05-15T09:17:00.001-07:002012-05-15T09:18:05.999-07:00I got a date....June 5th. That is the day I will permanently change my life and my battle with my weight. I will be having a vertical gastric sleeve performed by Dr. McDaniel in Victoria,TX. I start my meal replacement shakes on May 23rd (2 shakes a day and one protein with veggie dinner) to reduce the fat around my liver. I have appointments on May 29th to have my liver and gall bladder ultrasound and blood work and my last visit with my Doctor (the pre-op appointment) on May 31st. Then I am going camping with my family for the weekend, going to small claims court over a STUPID issue that I hope is resolved quickly (we filed the suit, just irritates me it had to come to this) - then check in to the hospital on June 5th at 5:00 in the morning. I will stay one night, to a leak test the next day - and come home to recover.<br />
<br />
I am nervous. I have been jumping through the hoops and considering this since September. I have joined the Vertical Sleeve Talk Forum and have talked with numerous individuals in both pre op and post op situations. I have read, and practiced chewing 30 times, and tried sipping water and not drinking with meals.....and I am still scared. I am removing 80% of a healthy organ that has only done it's job all too well.<br />
<br />
This is not a quick fix - and I really don't give a damn about people who think that. I have shared my decision with my friends, family and even co-workers and have found nothing but support. I am doing this for me - and for my children. I would love to say vanity has nothing to do with it - but that would be a lie. WHile my primary purpose is health and the ability to keep up and DO with my kiddos, I can't deny the joy I get when I think about shopping in any store I would like...not just the big girl stores. I am nervous about loose skin....because ya know, puffy fat rolls look so much more attractive! I know it will be work - and I just want to get through the liquid phase, the tired and no energy phase as quickly as possible and just eat to live instead of living to eat. I am ready. Sorry Ms. Gallon stomach - you gotta go.<br />
<br />
I am ready to post befpre and after pics - and pics all in between -<br />
I struggle to find very many of me - I am hiding behind stuff or behind the lens....watch out world. I am coming....<br />
<br />
And watch out roller coaster and rides I have avoided. ANd horse back riding. ANd flying somewhere with asking for a seat belt extender......<br />
<br />
I am ready....<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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Consider these my before :) I am ready...I am ready...I am ready....I am ready....I am ready.....I am!<br />
<br />Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-16989558838412339132012-04-19T07:54:00.002-07:002012-04-19T08:03:31.065-07:00The day is coming.....<img src="file:///Users/ssawyer/Pictures/Photo%20Booth/Photo%20on%202012-04-17%20at%2008.05.jpg" alt="" />I have now completed the 6 month medically supervised diet...I lost about 10 pounds somewhere in there, but had gained it back by the last weigh in. Basically, you pay for an office visit and they weigh you, ask if you are following an 1800 calorie diet and getting exercise....Suuuuurrrreee I am ....<br /><br />Anyway - all papers are at the bariatric center now, and I am just waiting for official approval from insurance. Could take a few weeks, but I am not in a huge rush. I am hoping to have surgery the 3rd week of June or so....I am actually getting a little excited at the prospect of ending this small, nagging, sense of self loathing when it comes to the size of my arse. I remain pretty confident about myself, and I do have fears of looking like a melted candle stick....but I think it will all be ok. <br /><br />I think the only thing I have left is an ultrasound on my gallbladder and a pre-op visit with the surgeon....then I will be all done. Except for the whole cutting out my stomach and existing on liquids for a month post op! <br /><br />Oh - and let's not forget they ask you to replace 2 meals with shakes and eat a protein and veggie dinner for 2 weeks before the surgery - sounds like fun times! I am sure that will not be too hard as I know it shrinks your liver and makes for a safer surgery. <br /><br />So that is where I am at now.....I look forward to my own before and after gallery. God knows I enjoy perusing them on the internet.Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-30986513965334382182012-02-08T09:06:00.000-08:002012-02-08T09:06:44.368-08:00Waning Woman: Contact Me!<a href="http://www.waningwoman.com/p/contact-me.html?spref=bl">Waning Woman: Contact Me!</a>: You can reach me via Facebook , Twitter , or on my email, waningwoman at gmail.com. I am fluent in smoke signal interpretation, too.Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-32114206602878830082012-01-22T07:41:00.000-08:002012-01-22T07:55:22.228-08:0095% and counting.....I am in month 4 of my "medically supervised diet" required by my insurance to have weight loss surgery. Only other requirement is an ultrasound of my gall bladder as I get closer to the date I pick for surgery. If it looks susceptible to gall stones, they will remove it at the same time as the surgery as gall stones plague weight loss surgery patients.<br />Of the Supervised diet...it is a joke. My family doctor is awesome - like her a lot....but all she does is recommend a 1500 calorie diet and exercise...duh!! If I could stick to that I would! On the brighter side, I signed up for the biggest loser competition at my school and they put us in teams....THAT makes for some accountability and I lost 5 pounds in the first week....it is 8 weeks long so it coincides with the end of the "supervised" one - so maybe I won't hang my head in shame as I step on the scale at the end of this month. Of course, I have lost 1,000 pounds - the same 20-30 over and over! I even lost 50 once on the Atkin's...only to get pregnant and gain it all back, plus some. <br /><br />SO - I am 95% sure I am going to have this surgery in June....3rd or 4th week of June. Then I will have the rest of the summer to normalize to my new eating. I weighed the timing heavily...and am still worried about depriving my children of fun filled summer days - but I have an excellent support system. I even shared with my other teacher's on my team that I was thinking about it, and they were super supportive, and one of them even shared that her best friend was having the surgery over spring break. Geesh - the stigma and fear of putting that info out there was bothering me more than I thought. It's not like they haven't seen the size of my arse going doing down the halls every day!! :)<br /><br />SO I am trucking on, lots going on in my daily life. Finishing up Dave Ramsey's 13 week Financial Peace University this coming Tuesday with my husband....it has had some rough patches, but overall has really changed how we view our money. It has been a huge blessing to our family.<br /><br />I am not smoking (fell off the wagon for a few days with Hubby's 40th birthday bash), but feel really good about that! Am trying to really spend quality time with family members - even gave my Dad a birthday card filled with activities for us to do together instead of the traditional Amazon gift card. <br /><br />All is well in my life, looking forward to changes in my body......Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-16987532239304585602011-10-08T19:26:00.000-07:002011-10-08T19:44:15.751-07:00More appointments..This last Thursday was a trifecta towards bariatric surgery. I took the required 2 hour nutrition class geared towards idiots to explain cars, protein and fat. She also discussed the post surgery diet and amounts. BLAH BLAH BLAH. She did however throw in a pun only I caught....she gave some info and said "go ahead and ruminate on that" I about fell out of my chair. Did she just call us cows??<br /><br />Then I had a few hours before my meet and greet with the shrink - so I grabbed a taco and went and had a pedicure. Then to the psyche eval I went. Basically, as long as you are not bulimic, bi-polar, or under a severe life change, you can qualify. It was kind of nice to talk to her though, because she was 63 and had a gastric bypass 3 years ago. She was very down to earth and funny.<br /><br />Then I went with the technician for a pre-pic. I asked why now, when I wouldn't even be eligible for surgery until March and that I probably wouldn't even do it until June - but we had fun with it. First I smiled and threw up a peace sign, but then a light clicked. I told her I should be there next billboard model and you always pose in horrible clothes and no makeup for the "before" pic - then have a total make over in a year or two! We laughed and laughed, and then she told me how beautiful I already was and how gorgeous I would be after. The she floored and me and in a serious voice, told me they would LOVE to have me in their advertisements. Made me feel good. Then I find out she is the Doctor's wife - too funny.<br />I meet with the doctor and go over my blood work. Lipids high, Cholesterol high - but the worst was the diabetes marker. If you are over 6.3 on your ACI, you are diabetic. Below - you are not. I am AT 6.3!! SCARY! Long story short, I have the choice of bypass or sleeve. He told me the pros and cons - and the sleeve is definitely less invasive. Removal of part of the stomach is not only a simpler surgery, but also eliminates the issues of malnourishment or major deficiencies like the bypass. The other difference is an issue of pounds. He says the sleeve will basically help me drop 100 pounds and the bypass would help me lose 125 pounds.... Geesh. What a dilemma....<br /><br />That's where I am now.....5 more months of a medically supervised diet to qualify, then all systems go....<br />We shall see......Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-85727688047854637382011-10-02T06:22:00.000-07:002011-10-02T06:31:18.703-07:00First Visit DoneI had my first of 6 visits for the medically supervised diets I am required by my insurance company to undertake prior to their approval of surgery. I went in really hoping they might offer some type of advice or eating plan that I could try and be successful with. Nope. Basically it was a weight and height check. I am 5 foot 9 inches (apparently I have lost an entire inch since highschool and 3 children) and according to their scale - I am at 303 pounds. I need to quit hiding this number. It is just me weight - not all of who I am. My scale at home said 298 - I don't know why that seems so much better....<br />Anyway - the next 10 minutes were basically asking what I eat and informing me of items I should steer away from. Next THursday will be my BIG day - I meet with a nutritionist, have my psych eval, and meet with the actual Dr. that will do the surgery. The fact that I do not have diabetes or high blood pressure means the sleeve will probably be best for me, and I am glad. While it is still quite an invasive surgery, the fact that my intestines would not have to be re-routed is more appealing. <br />So I have gone walking a few times, drink nothing but water, and am reading other's success stories about the sleeve. Youtube has provides lots of encouragement as well - it is really amazing the transformation some women have undergone. Also seeing my friends Kim and Kayce is helpful. They do not appear miserable and both tell me it is the best thing they have ever done. They are half the women they used to be, and more active than ever.<br />I want that.Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-2729300027543914542011-09-04T07:15:00.000-07:002011-09-04T07:21:07.302-07:00Taking steps, closer to the edgeI did it. I have made the appointments that are carrying me closer to surgery. My insurance requires 6 months of a medically supervised diet - and I am actually looking forward to it. I mean - if that will work - GREAT! I start with them Sept. 27th. I will also have blood, lab work done. On Oct. 6th, I will do my 2 hour required meeting with a nutritionist (I figured that would be good timing with a diet), then my hour long meeting with a psychiatrist, that will lead into my meeting with a surgeon to discuss my options.
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<br />After that appointment, I will continue with monthly meetings for the supervised diet, and sometime in March (end of the 6 months), I will be making the decision on whether or not to have bariatric surgery. I know that I think I am leaning towards the gastric sleeve - where they cut out the majority of your stomach. It seems to scare me less than re-routing your guts in a bypass or having a foreign object (the band) in me. We shall see........
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<br />Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-80232885270171581162011-08-28T07:10:00.000-07:002011-08-28T07:19:22.779-07:00The TimeIt is time to face the music. I feel like an addict that has hit rock bottom and can no longer live in denial. It is time to quit beating myself up and feeling like a failure when it comes to my weight. I truly feel like I have an addiction and must reach out for help. I am looking at Bariatric surgery.
<br />I have been considering this option for years as I have watched many around me make this same decision. I keep trying to do it on my own with little or no success. Most recently, I have watched my dear friend Kim and another friend Kayce regain their lives through gastric bypass and the gastric sleeve. I am ready to join them in their success.
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<br />My biggest obstacle is not even my pride...it is fear. Fear of complications and even death. I have so much to live for. My beautiful daughters.....I don't want to die in an attempt to be thin. Having a fat mom is better than having no mom. But I am beginning to see they don't have the greatest mom I can be. My knees hurt so bad. I am tired. I don't fit on the rides and what health problems are waiting around the bend for me?
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<br />I am planning on meeting with the doctors in the next few weeks and getting the facts from their mouths. I have read and read and read online all the facts I can find and even blogs that include successes and horror stories. My family is super supportive of me, and I am finally to the point where I think I am ready to take this step.
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<br />I have a 10, 8 and 4 year old. I don't want to die. I want to be the best I can be for them. I want to live the second half of my life as active as possible and not be hindered by my size. I can't so it on my own. I need help. This blog will become my weight loss journal. It has been so many things.....and now this.
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<br />Pray for me.
<br />Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-26234004594416376462011-02-12T15:07:00.000-08:002011-02-12T15:21:38.055-08:0020 pounds gone!I had a great blog post - spent some time on it, saved it to the computer...and it won't let me copy and paste!! I can no longer access this blog at school (apparently there are too many PORN sites on it) so I have to do it at home.....smarty pants me thought "Well, no problem - I can still type by entry, email it to myself, and copy and paste it." Wellll......doesn't work. I can copy and/or cut it - but the paste option won't highlight. AAAAHHHH! Needless to say - in a nutshell. The last 4 weeks have been a nealthy start...no smoking - no binging - eating low carb and healthy. Exercising. Proud of myslef. 4 weeks!!! WooooHoooo! I will try to post more later...<br /><br />Can you see the difference??<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJuxdgkWQNChSAGMjiY9xYn6yKorrA7Zym_Jsu_PwntHXlWGQUjZF_pV7tFYX5xbVRamAM6LfwSwYw9h98qzOFXRm-jwwsF_hxOLtz0RCMe36qIlKhmQak7w88etXpUWzLlXIioErT-yj6/s1600/fat+1.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 253px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 172px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5572943976251857314" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJuxdgkWQNChSAGMjiY9xYn6yKorrA7Zym_Jsu_PwntHXlWGQUjZF_pV7tFYX5xbVRamAM6LfwSwYw9h98qzOFXRm-jwwsF_hxOLtz0RCMe36qIlKhmQak7w88etXpUWzLlXIioErT-yj6/s320/fat+1.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-tuJNdrdefYIVZG4y6TfGHQxZrd4mCF4M5zevD24Uk1ZiigPGiPR5kpnxpvyycSur1r2JV4kJgX_acHRe-VTBoXpgiuDRJl-l6kUBjL7Sd6KPJ_il93prE-84EHfm2VuOKSmDONaTOnax/s1600/fat+2.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 238px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 170px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5572943982953533394" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-tuJNdrdefYIVZG4y6TfGHQxZrd4mCF4M5zevD24Uk1ZiigPGiPR5kpnxpvyycSur1r2JV4kJgX_acHRe-VTBoXpgiuDRJl-l6kUBjL7Sd6KPJ_il93prE-84EHfm2VuOKSmDONaTOnax/s320/fat+2.jpg" /></a>Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-45534616686552709002010-11-21T07:43:00.000-08:002010-11-21T07:51:32.214-08:00Another false start??My desk top computer has died. My school's firewall prevents me from going to this site due to "some" pornagraphic images posted by other bloggers. I am at the mercy of my husband's work laptop to even access this blog - and that does not bode well for any regularity in posting.. Of course, I haven't been as regular as I would like.....<br /><br />So - I am working on some accountability for myself. I am so tired of being fat. I am so tired of smoking. I am tired of being unhealthy when I have so much to live for and do. My three daughters deserve so much more than I give them sometimes....Some of our favorite times together actually (get ready for this) involve outside activities that actually burn calories! *gasp* - I know!!! Amazing!<br /><br />Changes with Hubby's job are going to cause us to be even stricter with our finances - hence more outside/recreational time will be utilized since a $75.00 run to the movies will be rare (tickets ans snacks for a family of 5 are not CHEAP!)<br /><br />So tomorrow - a patch will go on my arm and I plan on taking a walk after school. With the girls. And I don't care that Thanksgiving is Thursday and why start now....because I KNOW that SOMETHING will ALWAYS be coming up - there will never be a good time to start or stop anything. Life isn't static - and my chaoices are the only thing I CAN make constant.<br /><br />I am really looking forward to some changes in me.<br /><br />I will hold myself accountable.<br /><br />Look for more...later.Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-11538812577593215452010-09-26T11:53:00.000-07:002010-09-26T12:01:00.775-07:00In the wings...waiting.My home computer is on it's last leg. One too many viruses, it's 7 years old, the dust, the children! Pick one of the previous for a reason as to why it is always locking up, losing volume, shutting down, going to safe mode - whatever!! Then, blogspot was placed on the "no no" list at school, so I can't stay after to update - and there ya have me. I am hoping to get a new computer at Christmas...and perhaps I will be better at blogging then. Or not.....<br /><br />Weight wise - same -<br />But the visit with the dietician was good. I have cut sodas out - no one in the family has them - even if we go out for dinner. Low fat and light products have appeared in the fridge and pantry - and tons of fresh fruit is always around. I think we are slowly making a difference. Next to tackle...actual, scheduled, regular exercise - for all of us!<br /><br />Work is well...I am so busy! Love teaching math - so much fun! <br /><br />Realtionships - well, at work - different. Good with team - not so good with admin...because they are crazy. Seriously.<br /><br />Home life - pretty good. You know you have it alright when you go with your girlfirend to watch Eat,Love, Pray - and she is sobbing and you are thinking - "what's the big deal?"<br /><br />My girls are growing so fast...I am striving every day to be a better mom. I catch myself putting off their requests to play because I have to get the kitchen done, or laundry put up, or whatever....and I hate myself for it.... I am working on it.<br /><br />Until I get a better computer - this is probably it for awhile....<br />Ciao.Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-26933716406857883072010-08-10T14:59:00.000-07:002010-08-10T15:14:55.633-07:00Some improvement....<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMzRpLr-xuwURcfj2h3YPl3BZbYFbfb_Kn4ONT8XndiQctGIxbltsPUVI338CKNpUvgrdQE4nKLKRQP8_V6FZwwvjhetcaRRUu7z_kWtIXWPM1uOAhGh-1pRGjtsd4glwBL1nmbvfizY1F/s1600/summer+2010+001.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 320px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5503904563141779730" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMzRpLr-xuwURcfj2h3YPl3BZbYFbfb_Kn4ONT8XndiQctGIxbltsPUVI338CKNpUvgrdQE4nKLKRQP8_V6FZwwvjhetcaRRUu7z_kWtIXWPM1uOAhGh-1pRGjtsd4glwBL1nmbvfizY1F/s320/summer+2010+001.jpg" /></a> Summer is coming to an end - and I am almost relieved to get back into a routine. I am one of those people that need structure. Being a housewife/stay at home mom was never high on my list, and while being a teacher allows me the best of both worlds(read:home when my kids are home) the end of summer always confirms my chosen path in this life. We have had numerous beach trips, day trips to Sea World, the zoo, lots of movies and camping on the Sabinal river...I am ready to not "plan" my children's entertainment and get back on track. I eat better and generally feel better (the last 2 weeks of summer vacation are much like the last 2 weeks of pregnancy - you are just ready to get it over with!) with said structure and routine. I feel like all I did yesterday was yell at my girls. Not fun for me and I am sure not fun for them. Tonight, I am taking my eldest (9 years old) to go fishing on a pier late at night and crash in a dive motel. She is sooo excited for our grand adventure - and I am looking forward to indulging in my favorite, yet hardly ever indulged in pastime, FISHING! She loves it as much as me - and I am trying really hard to get one on one activities in with all 3 girls. My 7 year old goes 4 wheelin' with her dad as the baby is too young and the 9 year old could care less - so this works.<br />School clothes and supplies are all bought and I have a few days left to work in my classroom - would be none, but I have been moved to teach 4th grade math....because it is a needy group and I build good relationships with students.....yeah me! I am soooo good with everyone else's children, wish I was as good with my own.<br />I have been validated by my close girlfriends and let go of some drama inducing, unhealthy ones....feels like a load off! My best friend may be moving down this way...will know more after this Wednesday. I have fallen completely in love with a new blog <a href="http://www.thepioneerwomna.com/">www.thepioneerwomna.com</a> and have done some reading and no writing except for this poor little neglected blog. <br />Hubby and I have written out a new budget. Amazing where $6,000 take home a month goes....terrible. Really. <br />I wish I was more focused and dedicated to writing here. These long jaunts make my entries entirely too scattered. Perhaps soon I will pick just one topic to expound upon. Until then, I feel like this is just a place holder fo me until the next time I can find a few spare minutes to write....Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-88522315024562103302010-08-02T19:20:00.000-07:002010-08-02T19:30:49.388-07:00Is summer almost over??<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtrthA8vfR6y5wmmj2KVZDZh5kByj_nQCazWl_JWjIzNXIqqvEBx3ZIvWZPYGHfyL3cG2dgo-KMKSsXh6UHsRQRnpsskPUus6MMvqiEa0d0qHEAiiAGda4_o9uiF9oPdV7F0Wx41OOVmZ1/s1600/summer+2010+034.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 320px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5501003550039167202" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtrthA8vfR6y5wmmj2KVZDZh5kByj_nQCazWl_JWjIzNXIqqvEBx3ZIvWZPYGHfyL3cG2dgo-KMKSsXh6UHsRQRnpsskPUus6MMvqiEa0d0qHEAiiAGda4_o9uiF9oPdV7F0Wx41OOVmZ1/s320/summer+2010+034.jpg" /></a><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhViA0X4prasjvbGXwA2ozq6MBl2RxtQOHi76HFnrS-dtGWlEYcXTNWvgNeONjPuZBnGJpP5PxFTRQFuc3LVpgttoYcbqWjJ0u19LRgxLTN2okUrFHheHjtdLNeXpO-yAI8wWc-XkPsEWcA/s1600/summer+2010+001.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 320px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5501003096425814850" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhViA0X4prasjvbGXwA2ozq6MBl2RxtQOHi76HFnrS-dtGWlEYcXTNWvgNeONjPuZBnGJpP5PxFTRQFuc3LVpgttoYcbqWjJ0u19LRgxLTN2okUrFHheHjtdLNeXpO-yAI8wWc-XkPsEWcA/s320/summer+2010+001.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div> </div><div>We spent time at the beach. We went to SeaWorld. We camped in our RV. We went chopping, swimming, to the Zoo and to West Texas....have one last trip to the Frio and then school will start. My 15 year old step daughter came down and reinforced my beliefs that I am SOOO not ready for a teenager. Especially a feamale teenager. I am reminded as to why some animals eat their young....</div><div>My best friend is moving down to my town - from the big city.....I think she may have culture shock.. No Starbucks around here baby. I am stoked - she has dropped like 70 pounds in under a year - and I will have an exercise partner,....and my best friend to hang with. EXCITING.</div><div>I am working on my classroom - going to teach math this year. *crickets*</div><div>yeah - I know. I will have to figure out a way to get some creativity into that curriculum.</div><div>My weight - terrible.</div><div>Next step - meeting with a registered dietitan with my 2 eldest daughters on Wednesday. I have a mAster degree. I am smart. Apparently not about food. I am so screwed up - and I don't want my kids to be. $50.00 for once a month, educational and accountability all rolled into one neat little hour? Sign me up.</div><div>This wasn't an advertised service.</div><div>I had to call around and ask for it.</div><div> </div><div>Strange - huh?</div><div> </div><div>Will know more then.</div><div> </div><div>Until then - I am continuing to wokr on STAYING positive. I wuit taking Welbutrin due to splitting headaches. I am not feeling the desire to go try something else.l</div><div> </div><div> </div></div>Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-64435326901701554672010-06-28T06:54:00.001-07:002010-06-28T07:16:33.826-07:00I think it is now.....<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcEnzlhdudl6VFIrTHr0WO2mF50Q-HrSfTaXiiAVzF1HF9J7EMaE4VX4bpt2AP5x2RdJTLliPUnDxmt4kp0UcoWY9Mkw8Xx4EzFJ4hkQDZs0-Zp7TRkDsQE63dQbFgcPEYiKhPWYoIq7Fl/s1600/goal.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 150px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 113px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5487824242875983730" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcEnzlhdudl6VFIrTHr0WO2mF50Q-HrSfTaXiiAVzF1HF9J7EMaE4VX4bpt2AP5x2RdJTLliPUnDxmt4kp0UcoWY9Mkw8Xx4EzFJ4hkQDZs0-Zp7TRkDsQE63dQbFgcPEYiKhPWYoIq7Fl/s320/goal.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8TaMr-06R83MLfTV4c4jcZ4qvysal_JotZ6G7qFGWxzn87cccVTGJXMUvAy6zohhvlOxGNqm1EdLJhTZ_o_vx9xePw0ePKP6ZnStYWL7sdgTr1bwq2DWMYL4GdevTcw0Gd2wPBY50etTX/s1600/Hill+billy+me.jpg"><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 240px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5487822904189445890" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8TaMr-06R83MLfTV4c4jcZ4qvysal_JotZ6G7qFGWxzn87cccVTGJXMUvAy6zohhvlOxGNqm1EdLJhTZ_o_vx9xePw0ePKP6ZnStYWL7sdgTr1bwq2DWMYL4GdevTcw0Gd2wPBY50etTX/s320/Hill+billy+me.jpg" /></a> I am in a pretty good spot right now. I am coming off of a totally self destructive path of literally "feeding" the infant in me - what I want, when I want, how much I want - talking about food here! It is as if I was psyching my self up for a diet, and my juvenile mind was taking over and tantrumming "I don't want to!" - so I was giving in and eating everything and anything I wanted. Honestly, most of it wasn't even that great. Of course, the really good stuff I ate way to much of. Well, let's just say the scale was beginning to reflect that...and there are not many numbers that terrify me - but nearing 300 pounds is one way to get my attention! I don't know why 287 seems so acceptable -but 297 is not! I find myself so unbeliebvable at times....<br /><p>This brings me to the seemingly unrelated pics above. One is at our HillBilly House party - hence the pig tails and gingham shirt - and the other is Havasu Falls. The party pic - I was having a blast, but felt SO huge! Could be the checkered tablecloth of a shirt I was wearing, the constant sweating in the 100' weather, the fact that I was the BIGGEST person there (not to mention the biggest person on my campus where I work, in my social circle, at my high school reunion...the list goes on and on..) Honestly, I think part of my acceptance of myself concerning my size is that I have always been an Amazon among my peers. At 5'10'', I am pretty damn big - no two ways about it. I have been large built my whole life - but I really do think I was more athletic in highschool - not fat. Well, there is no doubt now...</p><p> </p><p>Anyway - the other pic. I am a water baby. I LOVE the water. Unfortunatley, that generally requires a significant reduction in clothing to enjoy - and when I went to the Bahamas - fat be damned, I jumped in my expensive (because a $150 suit makes me look better!) one piece and hopped in. Yes - biggest one around - and what?? But the falls you see in this pic.... to get to them requires a certain level of fitness. I am talking a 10 mile hike to an Indain Village , then another 2 miles to geth there. Of course, you COULD take a Helicopter in to the village and only hike the 2 miles, but they have a 250 pound per passenger weight limit - or you have to pay for 2 people (how mortifying!) You can also get there on horseback (those poor horses - I refuse to even ride a Morgan at this size!) or the use of pack mules to carry your stuff. Either way, I doubt many 287 pounders have expereinced the nirvana these travertine falls offer. </p><p> </p><p>So long rambling to a close...those falls are my goal. The weight loss will be a by product of that goal. Yes - I know I have a significant amount of weight to lose. Surgery still terrifies me. I want a level of health that will coorelate to the activities I want to particiapte in. My body will fall in line with that. My new Saucony tennis shoes from Amazon.com (I wear a size 11 - hard to come by in a store!) should be here in a day or two. I ate a healthy breakfast today and am planning my lunch and dinner. I have a kettle bell to start some kind of weight resistance, a tread mill at my disposal, numerous work out dvds, 3 children and a supportive husband all waiting for anything I throw at them! Oh - and a pool membership, and friends that go to gyms, and parents that will help me in any way....</p><p>I am so lucky.</p><p> </p><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div>Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-87338990681507676352010-06-01T05:30:00.000-07:002010-06-01T05:48:26.019-07:00I just can't wallow anymore....<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4zv-NAoF4_ixLBujw3PSDxWwhhfHijYsDJ5fYIPbSJODogvyVnJQaV60UeJXr2MvtrFTcmqqkULanMtlca-331ryiE51u7OmxfXqT4F9V4nSAh9ka39tL6Wmx28ImmaPzti5JTqsGd6Kh/s1600/Photo+35.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4zv-NAoF4_ixLBujw3PSDxWwhhfHijYsDJ5fYIPbSJODogvyVnJQaV60UeJXr2MvtrFTcmqqkULanMtlca-331ryiE51u7OmxfXqT4F9V4nSAh9ka39tL6Wmx28ImmaPzti5JTqsGd6Kh/s320/Photo+35.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5477786074521752706" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:180%;">Okay - I am getting over it. Of course -in the course of getting over it I have made some very interesting revelations about myself as well as catching a glimpse of how other people see me. None of which were really great....<br /><br />1st) People, people close to me, view me as bitter, angry, mad, upset. Funny thing is, I only view myself that way...SOME of the time. And only lately at that. I remember last summer a girlfriend bemoaning some error her husband had made, and I was a good listener - and she commented that I NEVER complained about my husband. My - how times can change..... Then the daughter of a friend was visiting and said " Smile - I haven't seen you smile since I have been here..."<br /><br />2nd) As I spiraled into almost rage at the absence of my husband over a holiday weekend while I was home with OUR 3 kids and a semi-functioning vehicle, I came to the realization that I have no desire to be a single parent. Right - no divorce in my future. Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief before I slap you across the face with this fact....<br />If I was to get divorced, I don't think I would want primary custody of my children. At least not right now. I just don't think I could do it. Of course - with his job - he couldn't either - so there you go. I do love my husband - and I believe he loves me - but man, our communication has got to improve. That - or we just may be battling it out in front of a judge...deciding who WILL take the kids!<br /><br />3rd) I may just be a little crazy. I had a moment where I was crying, talking to my husband about feeling abandoned..and one huge tear formed over my eye, spilled over the edge, and a strange sense of clarity arrived at about the time the last of the moisture was pulled from my lens...literally, it was like sadness gathered in that droplet and left my body. I sat up, washed my face, and just decided I was not going to cry any more. Now don't get me wrong - my eyes still prickle with tears at asinine reasons, but the waterfalls are stopped - for now.<br /><br /><br />So overall, I am working at not being such a bitch, smiling more, loving my kiddos more, and communicating better. Yeah - summer here I come. Not sure how much pretend play I am going to be able to handle - but I do well with beach trips. Yes - lots and lots of beach trips...<br /><br />Damn - that means swimsuits for me.....uuugghhh - another post another day.</span>Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-63160171444009391212010-05-21T11:47:00.000-07:002010-05-21T12:08:05.913-07:00How do you see yourself?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhESNw8HCR4sFkvXvbVyCZPS75vl-NXNFvT2QNaVzXewd-wel_xveS4G5uXfnjntutwSxdWGYIGFRrXmGmdvrJKrfbJhybOqqUp_fzZzJGOZmQpbdwMx9HO5YN3DkL3v5iCLfMp60q2RJoA/s1600/Photo+37.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 184px; height: 130px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhESNw8HCR4sFkvXvbVyCZPS75vl-NXNFvT2QNaVzXewd-wel_xveS4G5uXfnjntutwSxdWGYIGFRrXmGmdvrJKrfbJhybOqqUp_fzZzJGOZmQpbdwMx9HO5YN3DkL3v5iCLfMp60q2RJoA/s320/Photo+37.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5473797456497814706" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:130%;">I know that this is a kind of funny picture. It is obviously not how I look (you can see my profile pic to the right) - but do you ever feel like this? Do you ever wonder how others see you? I definitely have parts of my body that I do not like, and I am sure I see some of my parts in a much better light than viewed by others. How did we ever get to the point that so much emphasis was placed on appearance anyway?</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjGFxxqonxkA7RytdQ24Zj5oLTpcGjGvFuxWveSvwm9AUB6dSfPh-A6snbD8fzL9PtMhUGDV_XYd1JZgBaAyZfVpnPEWLF3suSS30BI0XbBkBdufWI_QzXZYBh8ngNBdRf-7mNUnX-Y2rt/s1600/Photo+38.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjGFxxqonxkA7RytdQ24Zj5oLTpcGjGvFuxWveSvwm9AUB6dSfPh-A6snbD8fzL9PtMhUGDV_XYd1JZgBaAyZfVpnPEWLF3suSS30BI0XbBkBdufWI_QzXZYBh8ngNBdRf-7mNUnX-Y2rt/s320/Photo+38.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5473797338380454242" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:130%;">Are you judgmental of someone if you feel their appearance is self-imposed? A fat person has no self control, they did it to themselves, they are lazy. What about people/children with birth defects? Do you view them with pity and cast a suspicious glance at their mother and wonder what she did? Do you even give a person with burn scars a chance and try to get to know them or do you turn away, not make eye contact, and walk away?</span><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8K_Ej1kJ_4un25yGKXRZUb8neFTyj-SV6gVEII9YytaGYrjZeHNMcyDxXdeUITcfxA7KVTyCcVaodvnk-lM2qvljH2zwp2e-gZZbtbFTY9_qFf7lnxhdUclTHtllcgEVCUv5eEH3G_oBA/s1600/Photo+39.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8K_Ej1kJ_4un25yGKXRZUb8neFTyj-SV6gVEII9YytaGYrjZeHNMcyDxXdeUITcfxA7KVTyCcVaodvnk-lM2qvljH2zwp2e-gZZbtbFTY9_qFf7lnxhdUclTHtllcgEVCUv5eEH3G_oBA/s320/Photo+39.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5473797106521393346" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:130%;">I am not perfect. Not in a physical sense, emotional, spiritual, financial sense - not in any way at all. I can hold grudges, gossip, binge eat, over spend, not go to church - you name it, I am probably guilty of it....<br />but I do think I have one silver lining that shines through. I have one personal attribute that I AM proud of and while it is not one that is openly commended in public or even really discussed, I am proud of myself for it. I do not look at anybody's physical self and make a split second decision about them. This is not something I was born doing - in fact, quite the opposite. I almost wonder if we are geared (through media and peers) TO judge others at first sight very early in our lives. Societal pressure is a BITCH! However, over the years...through my own personal evolvement, I no longer do that. I do a lot of other stupid, hurtful, idiotic things - but not that. No human being is invisible to me. I meet the eyes of the person in wheel chair, talk to the mother with the 3 year old with Down's Syndrome I see at the grocery store, I hug the child at my school that drools. No one is perfect. No one should be invisible. No one should be judged by their appearance. It is shocking how often I see it happen in public and at schools. Take a look around - and embrace every soul on this Earth with the compassion human beings are capable of.</span>Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-32855120926066959212010-05-20T10:45:00.000-07:002012-01-22T08:07:47.147-08:00A Therapeutic Post<span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:180%;" >X<br /></span>Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-70580611657689188592010-05-19T05:33:00.000-07:002010-05-19T14:03:27.800-07:00Behind Blue Eyes<div style="text-align: left;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWKukKbABRhbFTkcSpT6V3zpl1b4faxYfEiC-ybCyBTX5Sr532QIamgV6ZHoSjI-IIKTgO-DMg12hhSMNUsE0IPvM5h3DgnWoeGv06AvLPKJhWMzOIArrqY2WNMHby-Ia20TvUUnCL90tc/s1600/Photo+26.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 134px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWKukKbABRhbFTkcSpT6V3zpl1b4faxYfEiC-ybCyBTX5Sr532QIamgV6ZHoSjI-IIKTgO-DMg12hhSMNUsE0IPvM5h3DgnWoeGv06AvLPKJhWMzOIArrqY2WNMHby-Ia20TvUUnCL90tc/s320/Photo+26.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5472958835456925458" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:180%;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><blockquote><span style="font-size:180%;"> I am 10 days without smoking and 10 days with 150 mg of Wellbutrin. Overall, I would say the meds must be helping some as I have not killed anyone..yet. I still find myself in a foul mood - and of course, it is my mother who has born the brunt of that. It is almost like an out of body experience when I am lashing out at her. I see it happening, I want to stop, but I don't...then I call her and apologize and feel so fortunate that she is so forgiving...with me anyway.<br /> Something else I have come to terms with...all the feelings of isolation, the stinkin' thinkin' about myself and relations with others, feeling like I am on the outside looking in - well guess what? I am not alone in this. I have always like the song "Behind Blue Eyes" - by The Who. No one knows what it's like...behind blue eyes...<br />because I felt it described some of my feelings. The wonders of blogland have opened these blue eyes to sooo much. There ARE others like me, that are sensitive to some of the most insignificant social nuances. There are others out there with difficult children. There are others out there that just feel like they THINK differently than the masses. There are others that view eating, food, weight, family, jobs, and friendships like me..and they like to write like I do. Granted, many are much more fluent and prolific than I am, but I am here. And so are they.<br /> It is nice to know I am not alone. It is nice to know I am not a freak or terrible mother or have absolutely no will power. It is wonderful to not be the only one behind blue eyes.</span><br /><br /><br /></blockquote></div>Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-75102952131767978942010-05-13T10:51:00.000-07:002010-05-13T10:58:26.547-07:00Could it be????<span style="font-size:180%;">I am starting to feel a little better. Being a fan of science, I must say that there are really entirely too many variable to contribute this to any one thing. Day 4 of antidepressants - my gut says it is really too early - but this is brain chemistry and therefore a very individual thing. I am 4 days without a cigarette (yes, I know this seems a bit masochistic, but I just assume get all the SHIT over with at once. I am the jump in the pool, rip off the band aid in one fell swoop kind of girl) so it could be that. My husband is returning from an out of town trip tomorrow and I am relishing handing over the parental reins for a while and basking in doing nothing for a day or 2. I am at peace with my work related, self imposed funk and have just come to terms - again - with the fact that some (maybe even a lot) of people just suck. So which or what is it that is making me feel a bit better today? Who knows...but feeling better I am. Yeah me.</span>Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1327920185468771077.post-18116041787059502942010-05-12T10:28:00.000-07:002010-05-12T10:53:39.472-07:00I did itwellbutrin SR - actually buprorion SR - the generic. Day 2. No smoking and taking a different drug. I have to tell you - so far I think I am just MORE pissy.. In fact - I know it. I am trying to isolate myself so my rage does not bleed over onto my friends. Nothing like hurting the ones that love you the most...I am already doing that. Had 2 emails from friends asking if I was mad at them.. Nice - huh? And work - love the kids and my class - can't stand the admin and BS that goes with it. Kind of ironic that I am applying so they can tell me no. Of course, this allows me to armchair QB with impunity. I can always say "See, I tried...." He he he. I think this will be the last time I apply locally though. I will just enjoy my kiddos growing up and then commute later...I have a long way to go until retirement. I am looking at the marathon stretch right now - I can sprint later.<br />And ex - wives. OMG. I think I may unleash a bit of my unrequited rage on her tonight. I am just about done with the snarky attitude, the complaining, the sheer avarice with which any phone message from her seethes with her bitterness of her biggest mistake. Get over whack job. It's been 14 years!!! Find someone else for the love of GOD! Torture some other family - and quit harping about karma! Maybe you should take a look around and realize your empty, lonely, low rent life is because of YOUR karma. You are a cheater, a lousy mother, an ignorant blight on the world that spews filth and hate - still! My God.......I love how she leaves messages on MY cellphone for my husband. She had HIS number. AAAAHHH! I just can't stand her.....<br />And I no longer believe there is such a thing as grown ups. Instead, bodies just get bigger and mentalities stay pretty much the same as they were in junior high. I have seen it over and over again....disgusting. Bullying, mocking, cliques and impenetrable circles based on God knows what to justify the who's who and who's not....Just so tired of it. Really.<br />So I leave this entry feeling no better than when I started. I need to get over this mad feeling soon -<br />so frustrated.Someday.....http://www.blogger.com/profile/05937022766926309226noreply@blogger.com0