I am 10 days without smoking and 10 days with 150 mg of Wellbutrin. Overall, I would say the meds must be helping some as I have not killed anyone..yet. I still find myself in a foul mood - and of course, it is my mother who has born the brunt of that. It is almost like an out of body experience when I am lashing out at her. I see it happening, I want to stop, but I don't...then I call her and apologize and feel so fortunate that she is so forgiving...with me anyway.
Something else I have come to terms with...all the feelings of isolation, the stinkin' thinkin' about myself and relations with others, feeling like I am on the outside looking in - well guess what? I am not alone in this. I have always like the song "Behind Blue Eyes" - by The Who. No one knows what it's like...behind blue eyes...
because I felt it described some of my feelings. The wonders of blogland have opened these blue eyes to sooo much. There ARE others like me, that are sensitive to some of the most insignificant social nuances. There are others out there with difficult children. There are others out there that just feel like they THINK differently than the masses. There are others that view eating, food, weight, family, jobs, and friendships like me..and they like to write like I do. Granted, many are much more fluent and prolific than I am, but I am here. And so are they.
It is nice to know I am not alone. It is nice to know I am not a freak or terrible mother or have absolutely no will power. It is wonderful to not be the only one behind blue eyes.