I just can't wallow anymore....

Okay - I am getting over it. Of course -in the course of getting over it I have made some very interesting revelations about myself as well as catching a glimpse of how other people see me. None of which were really great....

1st) People, people close to me, view me as bitter, angry, mad, upset. Funny thing is, I only view myself that way...SOME of the time. And only lately at that. I remember last summer a girlfriend bemoaning some error her husband had made, and I was a good listener - and she commented that I NEVER complained about my husband. My - how times can change..... Then the daughter of a friend was visiting and said " Smile - I haven't seen you smile since I have been here..."

2nd) As I spiraled into almost rage at the absence of my husband over a holiday weekend while I was home with OUR 3 kids and a semi-functioning vehicle, I came to the realization that I have no desire to be a single parent. Right - no divorce in my future. Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief before I slap you across the face with this fact....
If I was to get divorced, I don't think I would want primary custody of my children. At least not right now. I just don't think I could do it. Of course - with his job - he couldn't either - so there you go. I do love my husband - and I believe he loves me - but man, our communication has got to improve. That - or we just may be battling it out in front of a judge...deciding who WILL take the kids!

3rd) I may just be a little crazy. I had a moment where I was crying, talking to my husband about feeling abandoned..and one huge tear formed over my eye, spilled over the edge, and a strange sense of clarity arrived at about the time the last of the moisture was pulled from my lens...literally, it was like sadness gathered in that droplet and left my body. I sat up, washed my face, and just decided I was not going to cry any more. Now don't get me wrong - my eyes still prickle with tears at asinine reasons, but the waterfalls are stopped - for now.


So overall, I am working at not being such a bitch, smiling more, loving my kiddos more, and communicating better. Yeah - summer here I come. Not sure how much pretend play I am going to be able to handle - but I do well with beach trips. Yes - lots and lots of beach trips...

Damn - that means swimsuits for me.....uuugghhh - another post another day.