I think it is now.....

I am in a pretty good spot right now. I am coming off of a totally self destructive path of literally "feeding" the infant in me - what I want, when I want, how much I want - talking about food here! It is as if I was psyching my self up for a diet, and my juvenile mind was taking over and tantrumming "I don't want to!" - so I was giving in and eating everything and anything I wanted. Honestly, most of it wasn't even that great. Of course, the really good stuff I ate way to much of. Well, let's just say the scale was beginning to reflect that...and there are not many numbers that terrify me - but nearing 300 pounds is one way to get my attention! I don't know why 287 seems so acceptable -but 297 is not! I find myself so unbeliebvable at times....

This brings me to the seemingly unrelated pics above. One is at our HillBilly House party - hence the pig tails and gingham shirt - and the other is Havasu Falls. The party pic - I was having a blast, but felt SO huge! Could be the checkered tablecloth of a shirt I was wearing, the constant sweating in the 100' weather, the fact that I was the BIGGEST person there (not to mention the biggest person on my campus where I work, in my social circle, at my high school reunion...the list goes on and on..) Honestly, I think part of my acceptance of myself concerning my size is that I have always been an Amazon among my peers. At 5'10'', I am pretty damn big - no two ways about it. I have been large built my whole life - but I really do think I was more athletic in highschool - not fat. Well, there is no doubt now...

Anyway - the other pic. I am a water baby. I LOVE the water. Unfortunatley, that generally requires a significant reduction in clothing to enjoy - and when I went to the Bahamas - fat be damned, I jumped in my expensive (because a $150 suit makes me look better!) one piece and hopped in. Yes - biggest one around - and what?? But the falls you see in this pic.... to get to them requires a certain level of fitness. I am talking a 10 mile hike to an Indain Village , then another 2 miles to geth there. Of course, you COULD take a Helicopter in to the village and only hike the 2 miles, but they have a 250 pound per passenger weight limit - or you have to pay for 2 people (how mortifying!) You can also get there on horseback (those poor horses - I refuse to even ride a Morgan at this size!) or the use of pack mules to carry your stuff. Either way, I doubt many 287 pounders have expereinced the nirvana these travertine falls offer.

So long rambling to a close...those falls are my goal. The weight loss will be a by product of that goal. Yes - I know I have a significant amount of weight to lose. Surgery still terrifies me. I want a level of health that will coorelate to the activities I want to particiapte in. My body will fall in line with that. My new Saucony tennis shoes from Amazon.com (I wear a size 11 - hard to come by in a store!) should be here in a day or two. I ate a healthy breakfast today and am planning my lunch and dinner. I have a kettle bell to start some kind of weight resistance, a tread mill at my disposal, numerous work out dvds, 3 children and a supportive husband all waiting for anything I throw at them! Oh - and a pool membership, and friends that go to gyms, and parents that will help me in any way....

I am so lucky.

I just can't wallow anymore....

Okay - I am getting over it. Of course -in the course of getting over it I have made some very interesting revelations about myself as well as catching a glimpse of how other people see me. None of which were really great....

1st) People, people close to me, view me as bitter, angry, mad, upset. Funny thing is, I only view myself that way...SOME of the time. And only lately at that. I remember last summer a girlfriend bemoaning some error her husband had made, and I was a good listener - and she commented that I NEVER complained about my husband. My - how times can change..... Then the daughter of a friend was visiting and said " Smile - I haven't seen you smile since I have been here..."

2nd) As I spiraled into almost rage at the absence of my husband over a holiday weekend while I was home with OUR 3 kids and a semi-functioning vehicle, I came to the realization that I have no desire to be a single parent. Right - no divorce in my future. Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief before I slap you across the face with this fact....
If I was to get divorced, I don't think I would want primary custody of my children. At least not right now. I just don't think I could do it. Of course - with his job - he couldn't either - so there you go. I do love my husband - and I believe he loves me - but man, our communication has got to improve. That - or we just may be battling it out in front of a judge...deciding who WILL take the kids!

3rd) I may just be a little crazy. I had a moment where I was crying, talking to my husband about feeling abandoned..and one huge tear formed over my eye, spilled over the edge, and a strange sense of clarity arrived at about the time the last of the moisture was pulled from my lens...literally, it was like sadness gathered in that droplet and left my body. I sat up, washed my face, and just decided I was not going to cry any more. Now don't get me wrong - my eyes still prickle with tears at asinine reasons, but the waterfalls are stopped - for now.


So overall, I am working at not being such a bitch, smiling more, loving my kiddos more, and communicating better. Yeah - summer here I come. Not sure how much pretend play I am going to be able to handle - but I do well with beach trips. Yes - lots and lots of beach trips...

Damn - that means swimsuits for me.....uuugghhh - another post another day.

How do you see yourself?

I know that this is a kind of funny picture. It is obviously not how I look (you can see my profile pic to the right) - but do you ever feel like this? Do you ever wonder how others see you? I definitely have parts of my body that I do not like, and I am sure I see some of my parts in a much better light than viewed by others. How did we ever get to the point that so much emphasis was placed on appearance anyway?
Are you judgmental of someone if you feel their appearance is self-imposed? A fat person has no self control, they did it to themselves, they are lazy. What about people/children with birth defects? Do you view them with pity and cast a suspicious glance at their mother and wonder what she did? Do you even give a person with burn scars a chance and try to get to know them or do you turn away, not make eye contact, and walk away?
I am not perfect. Not in a physical sense, emotional, spiritual, financial sense - not in any way at all. I can hold grudges, gossip, binge eat, over spend, not go to church - you name it, I am probably guilty of it....
but I do think I have one silver lining that shines through. I have one personal attribute that I AM proud of and while it is not one that is openly commended in public or even really discussed, I am proud of myself for it. I do not look at anybody's physical self and make a split second decision about them. This is not something I was born doing - in fact, quite the opposite. I almost wonder if we are geared (through media and peers) TO judge others at first sight very early in our lives. Societal pressure is a BITCH! However, over the years...through my own personal evolvement, I no longer do that. I do a lot of other stupid, hurtful, idiotic things - but not that. No human being is invisible to me. I meet the eyes of the person in wheel chair, talk to the mother with the 3 year old with Down's Syndrome I see at the grocery store, I hug the child at my school that drools. No one is perfect. No one should be invisible. No one should be judged by their appearance. It is shocking how often I see it happen in public and at schools. Take a look around - and embrace every soul on this Earth with the compassion human beings are capable of.

A Therapeutic Post

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Behind Blue Eyes

I am 10 days without smoking and 10 days with 150 mg of Wellbutrin. Overall, I would say the meds must be helping some as I have not killed anyone..yet. I still find myself in a foul mood - and of course, it is my mother who has born the brunt of that. It is almost like an out of body experience when I am lashing out at her. I see it happening, I want to stop, but I don't...then I call her and apologize and feel so fortunate that she is so forgiving...with me anyway.
Something else I have come to terms with...all the feelings of isolation, the stinkin' thinkin' about myself and relations with others, feeling like I am on the outside looking in - well guess what? I am not alone in this. I have always like the song "Behind Blue Eyes" - by The Who. No one knows what it's like...behind blue eyes...
because I felt it described some of my feelings. The wonders of blogland have opened these blue eyes to sooo much. There ARE others like me, that are sensitive to some of the most insignificant social nuances. There are others out there with difficult children. There are others out there that just feel like they THINK differently than the masses. There are others that view eating, food, weight, family, jobs, and friendships like me..and they like to write like I do. Granted, many are much more fluent and prolific than I am, but I am here. And so are they.
It is nice to know I am not alone. It is nice to know I am not a freak or terrible mother or have absolutely no will power. It is wonderful to not be the only one behind blue eyes.

Could it be????

I am starting to feel a little better. Being a fan of science, I must say that there are really entirely too many variable to contribute this to any one thing. Day 4 of antidepressants - my gut says it is really too early - but this is brain chemistry and therefore a very individual thing. I am 4 days without a cigarette (yes, I know this seems a bit masochistic, but I just assume get all the SHIT over with at once. I am the jump in the pool, rip off the band aid in one fell swoop kind of girl) so it could be that. My husband is returning from an out of town trip tomorrow and I am relishing handing over the parental reins for a while and basking in doing nothing for a day or 2. I am at peace with my work related, self imposed funk and have just come to terms - again - with the fact that some (maybe even a lot) of people just suck. So which or what is it that is making me feel a bit better today? Who knows...but feeling better I am. Yeah me.

I did it

wellbutrin SR - actually buprorion SR - the generic. Day 2. No smoking and taking a different drug. I have to tell you - so far I think I am just MORE pissy.. In fact - I know it. I am trying to isolate myself so my rage does not bleed over onto my friends. Nothing like hurting the ones that love you the most...I am already doing that. Had 2 emails from friends asking if I was mad at them.. Nice - huh? And work - love the kids and my class - can't stand the admin and BS that goes with it. Kind of ironic that I am applying so they can tell me no. Of course, this allows me to armchair QB with impunity. I can always say "See, I tried...." He he he. I think this will be the last time I apply locally though. I will just enjoy my kiddos growing up and then commute later...I have a long way to go until retirement. I am looking at the marathon stretch right now - I can sprint later.
And ex - wives. OMG. I think I may unleash a bit of my unrequited rage on her tonight. I am just about done with the snarky attitude, the complaining, the sheer avarice with which any phone message from her seethes with her bitterness of her biggest mistake. Get over whack job. It's been 14 years!!! Find someone else for the love of GOD! Torture some other family - and quit harping about karma! Maybe you should take a look around and realize your empty, lonely, low rent life is because of YOUR karma. You are a cheater, a lousy mother, an ignorant blight on the world that spews filth and hate - still! My God.......I love how she leaves messages on MY cellphone for my husband. She had HIS number. AAAAHHH! I just can't stand her.....
And I no longer believe there is such a thing as grown ups. Instead, bodies just get bigger and mentalities stay pretty much the same as they were in junior high. I have seen it over and over again....disgusting. Bullying, mocking, cliques and impenetrable circles based on God knows what to justify the who's who and who's not....Just so tired of it. Really.
So I leave this entry feeling no better than when I started. I need to get over this mad feeling soon -
so frustrated.