I just can't wallow anymore....

Okay - I am getting over it. Of course -in the course of getting over it I have made some very interesting revelations about myself as well as catching a glimpse of how other people see me. None of which were really great....

1st) People, people close to me, view me as bitter, angry, mad, upset. Funny thing is, I only view myself that way...SOME of the time. And only lately at that. I remember last summer a girlfriend bemoaning some error her husband had made, and I was a good listener - and she commented that I NEVER complained about my husband. My - how times can change..... Then the daughter of a friend was visiting and said " Smile - I haven't seen you smile since I have been here..."

2nd) As I spiraled into almost rage at the absence of my husband over a holiday weekend while I was home with OUR 3 kids and a semi-functioning vehicle, I came to the realization that I have no desire to be a single parent. Right - no divorce in my future. Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief before I slap you across the face with this fact....
If I was to get divorced, I don't think I would want primary custody of my children. At least not right now. I just don't think I could do it. Of course - with his job - he couldn't either - so there you go. I do love my husband - and I believe he loves me - but man, our communication has got to improve. That - or we just may be battling it out in front of a judge...deciding who WILL take the kids!

3rd) I may just be a little crazy. I had a moment where I was crying, talking to my husband about feeling abandoned..and one huge tear formed over my eye, spilled over the edge, and a strange sense of clarity arrived at about the time the last of the moisture was pulled from my lens...literally, it was like sadness gathered in that droplet and left my body. I sat up, washed my face, and just decided I was not going to cry any more. Now don't get me wrong - my eyes still prickle with tears at asinine reasons, but the waterfalls are stopped - for now.


So overall, I am working at not being such a bitch, smiling more, loving my kiddos more, and communicating better. Yeah - summer here I come. Not sure how much pretend play I am going to be able to handle - but I do well with beach trips. Yes - lots and lots of beach trips...

Damn - that means swimsuits for me.....uuugghhh - another post another day.

Behind Blue Eyes

I am 10 days without smoking and 10 days with 150 mg of Wellbutrin. Overall, I would say the meds must be helping some as I have not killed anyone..yet. I still find myself in a foul mood - and of course, it is my mother who has born the brunt of that. It is almost like an out of body experience when I am lashing out at her. I see it happening, I want to stop, but I don't...then I call her and apologize and feel so fortunate that she is so forgiving...with me anyway.
Something else I have come to terms with...all the feelings of isolation, the stinkin' thinkin' about myself and relations with others, feeling like I am on the outside looking in - well guess what? I am not alone in this. I have always like the song "Behind Blue Eyes" - by The Who. No one knows what it's like...behind blue eyes...
because I felt it described some of my feelings. The wonders of blogland have opened these blue eyes to sooo much. There ARE others like me, that are sensitive to some of the most insignificant social nuances. There are others out there with difficult children. There are others out there that just feel like they THINK differently than the masses. There are others that view eating, food, weight, family, jobs, and friendships like me..and they like to write like I do. Granted, many are much more fluent and prolific than I am, but I am here. And so are they.
It is nice to know I am not alone. It is nice to know I am not a freak or terrible mother or have absolutely no will power. It is wonderful to not be the only one behind blue eyes.

I did it

wellbutrin SR - actually buprorion SR - the generic. Day 2. No smoking and taking a different drug. I have to tell you - so far I think I am just MORE pissy.. In fact - I know it. I am trying to isolate myself so my rage does not bleed over onto my friends. Nothing like hurting the ones that love you the most...I am already doing that. Had 2 emails from friends asking if I was mad at them.. Nice - huh? And work - love the kids and my class - can't stand the admin and BS that goes with it. Kind of ironic that I am applying so they can tell me no. Of course, this allows me to armchair QB with impunity. I can always say "See, I tried...." He he he. I think this will be the last time I apply locally though. I will just enjoy my kiddos growing up and then commute later...I have a long way to go until retirement. I am looking at the marathon stretch right now - I can sprint later.
And ex - wives. OMG. I think I may unleash a bit of my unrequited rage on her tonight. I am just about done with the snarky attitude, the complaining, the sheer avarice with which any phone message from her seethes with her bitterness of her biggest mistake. Get over whack job. It's been 14 years!!! Find someone else for the love of GOD! Torture some other family - and quit harping about karma! Maybe you should take a look around and realize your empty, lonely, low rent life is because of YOUR karma. You are a cheater, a lousy mother, an ignorant blight on the world that spews filth and hate - still! My God.......I love how she leaves messages on MY cellphone for my husband. She had HIS number. AAAAHHH! I just can't stand her.....
And I no longer believe there is such a thing as grown ups. Instead, bodies just get bigger and mentalities stay pretty much the same as they were in junior high. I have seen it over and over again....disgusting. Bullying, mocking, cliques and impenetrable circles based on God knows what to justify the who's who and who's not....Just so tired of it. Really.
So I leave this entry feeling no better than when I started. I need to get over this mad feeling soon -
so frustrated.

Absolutely Amazing

I feel like a new person......I am not sure if it is not smoking, better eating, taking Spark (an energy/focusing supplement) or what - but man - I like it! For the last 7 days I have had more energy, a better attitude - you know, the "I CAN DO THIS!" mentality that allows me to get my checklists done and not feel like a failure. If I was spending money like crazy and not sleeping - I would think that I was a total bipolar mess (like my beloved deceased Grandmother). She LOVED her mania - which is why she would stop her lithium and spiral away......

I feel joy like I have not in a LONG, LONG time. I feel inspired and capable and I am noticing that feeling this way just snowballs all the other things I want to do - be healthier, lose weight, be a better parent, teacher, partner, daughter.....It is just amazing!


My husband has even noticed (an appreciated ;) ) my new found energy and attitude....A good thing about blogging about it - for me, is that if I do spiral down - I will have evidence of a problem. I was in a really bad place. The kind of mental lowness that kept me daydreaming about running away to Alaska, smoking myself to death in a cheap place of abode, waiting tables with no responsibilites! Did I mention that I was going there ALONE? That's right - I was fantasizing of leaving EVERYTHING and being responsible for NO ONE but me.....Terrible!

How could I ever think about leaving this?