I think it is now.....

I am in a pretty good spot right now. I am coming off of a totally self destructive path of literally "feeding" the infant in me - what I want, when I want, how much I want - talking about food here! It is as if I was psyching my self up for a diet, and my juvenile mind was taking over and tantrumming "I don't want to!" - so I was giving in and eating everything and anything I wanted. Honestly, most of it wasn't even that great. Of course, the really good stuff I ate way to much of. Well, let's just say the scale was beginning to reflect that...and there are not many numbers that terrify me - but nearing 300 pounds is one way to get my attention! I don't know why 287 seems so acceptable -but 297 is not! I find myself so unbeliebvable at times....

This brings me to the seemingly unrelated pics above. One is at our HillBilly House party - hence the pig tails and gingham shirt - and the other is Havasu Falls. The party pic - I was having a blast, but felt SO huge! Could be the checkered tablecloth of a shirt I was wearing, the constant sweating in the 100' weather, the fact that I was the BIGGEST person there (not to mention the biggest person on my campus where I work, in my social circle, at my high school reunion...the list goes on and on..) Honestly, I think part of my acceptance of myself concerning my size is that I have always been an Amazon among my peers. At 5'10'', I am pretty damn big - no two ways about it. I have been large built my whole life - but I really do think I was more athletic in highschool - not fat. Well, there is no doubt now...

Anyway - the other pic. I am a water baby. I LOVE the water. Unfortunatley, that generally requires a significant reduction in clothing to enjoy - and when I went to the Bahamas - fat be damned, I jumped in my expensive (because a $150 suit makes me look better!) one piece and hopped in. Yes - biggest one around - and what?? But the falls you see in this pic.... to get to them requires a certain level of fitness. I am talking a 10 mile hike to an Indain Village , then another 2 miles to geth there. Of course, you COULD take a Helicopter in to the village and only hike the 2 miles, but they have a 250 pound per passenger weight limit - or you have to pay for 2 people (how mortifying!) You can also get there on horseback (those poor horses - I refuse to even ride a Morgan at this size!) or the use of pack mules to carry your stuff. Either way, I doubt many 287 pounders have expereinced the nirvana these travertine falls offer.

So long rambling to a close...those falls are my goal. The weight loss will be a by product of that goal. Yes - I know I have a significant amount of weight to lose. Surgery still terrifies me. I want a level of health that will coorelate to the activities I want to particiapte in. My body will fall in line with that. My new Saucony tennis shoes from Amazon.com (I wear a size 11 - hard to come by in a store!) should be here in a day or two. I ate a healthy breakfast today and am planning my lunch and dinner. I have a kettle bell to start some kind of weight resistance, a tread mill at my disposal, numerous work out dvds, 3 children and a supportive husband all waiting for anything I throw at them! Oh - and a pool membership, and friends that go to gyms, and parents that will help me in any way....

I am so lucky.