I just can't wallow anymore....

Okay - I am getting over it. Of course -in the course of getting over it I have made some very interesting revelations about myself as well as catching a glimpse of how other people see me. None of which were really great....

1st) People, people close to me, view me as bitter, angry, mad, upset. Funny thing is, I only view myself that way...SOME of the time. And only lately at that. I remember last summer a girlfriend bemoaning some error her husband had made, and I was a good listener - and she commented that I NEVER complained about my husband. My - how times can change..... Then the daughter of a friend was visiting and said " Smile - I haven't seen you smile since I have been here..."

2nd) As I spiraled into almost rage at the absence of my husband over a holiday weekend while I was home with OUR 3 kids and a semi-functioning vehicle, I came to the realization that I have no desire to be a single parent. Right - no divorce in my future. Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief before I slap you across the face with this fact....
If I was to get divorced, I don't think I would want primary custody of my children. At least not right now. I just don't think I could do it. Of course - with his job - he couldn't either - so there you go. I do love my husband - and I believe he loves me - but man, our communication has got to improve. That - or we just may be battling it out in front of a judge...deciding who WILL take the kids!

3rd) I may just be a little crazy. I had a moment where I was crying, talking to my husband about feeling abandoned..and one huge tear formed over my eye, spilled over the edge, and a strange sense of clarity arrived at about the time the last of the moisture was pulled from my lens...literally, it was like sadness gathered in that droplet and left my body. I sat up, washed my face, and just decided I was not going to cry any more. Now don't get me wrong - my eyes still prickle with tears at asinine reasons, but the waterfalls are stopped - for now.


So overall, I am working at not being such a bitch, smiling more, loving my kiddos more, and communicating better. Yeah - summer here I come. Not sure how much pretend play I am going to be able to handle - but I do well with beach trips. Yes - lots and lots of beach trips...

Damn - that means swimsuits for me.....uuugghhh - another post another day.

Yen and Yang

This is a great picture for my title. My eldest daughter and my husband represent both my greatest challenge and a significant part of my heart. My beloved husband is my best friend, awesome lover, my true partner in this life (and he doesn't even know about this blog - so I'm not blowing smoke!), but he can also be the most frustrating person in my life...next to our firstborn. We are actually trucking right along and doing FANtabulous - no arguing at all. My daughter on the other hand....
You know - I was reading another blog earlier, Thea in Australia, and the blogger had made a checklist of reasons her child was difficult. I could completely relate...and then I read the comments. While most were supportive, there were many completely bashing her. Her child was a result of her parenting, she shouldn't have had children, she was ungrateful for being blessed with ANY children...It made me sick. If you have not had the "joy" of trying to parent a "difficult" child - first off - lucky you. Secondly - shut your FUCKING mouth! For almost 9 years I have researched, scrutinized, medicated, counseled, behavior modified, read, consulted, and cried rivers in my attempt to help myself and my first born. I have limited who I let come by the house for fear of her tantrums being made known to the outside world. As a family of 5, we make conscientious decisions about what and where we go because of her outbursts. She dictates a huge part of our lives and her two younger sisters are deeply affected by it. My middle daughter ALWAYS gives in to her and the 3 year old will tell you "She doesn't like me." And she is right.
Do I love me eldest any less? NO. I tell her all the time that she is super special to me because she was my first and the one who made me a mommy. I would, will, and do anything I can for her. I have not given up. I will continue to learn and try and meet her needs while helping to breach the gaps and disabilities she has in frustration and flexibility. She, like my husband, can make me so happy and can so break my heart. Black and white, Yen and Yang.
So to any and all potential lurkers and posters out there - be careful when you pass judgment on others. You really have no idea what is going on in their lives. Try being supportive or say nothing - why should you want to bring anyone down? Be so thankful that you are not fighting that struggle. Women should support each other - not tear each other down.