20 pounds gone!

I had a great blog post - spent some time on it, saved it to the computer...and it won't let me copy and paste!! I can no longer access this blog at school (apparently there are too many PORN sites on it) so I have to do it at home.....smarty pants me thought "Well, no problem - I can still type by entry, email it to myself, and copy and paste it." Wellll......doesn't work. I can copy and/or cut it - but the paste option won't highlight. AAAAHHHH! Needless to say - in a nutshell. The last 4 weeks have been a nealthy start...no smoking - no binging - eating low carb and healthy. Exercising. Proud of myslef. 4 weeks!!! WooooHoooo! I will try to post more later...

Can you see the difference??

Another false start??

My desk top computer has died. My school's firewall prevents me from going to this site due to "some" pornagraphic images posted by other bloggers. I am at the mercy of my husband's work laptop to even access this blog - and that does not bode well for any regularity in posting.. Of course, I haven't been as regular as I would like.....

So - I am working on some accountability for myself. I am so tired of being fat. I am so tired of smoking. I am tired of being unhealthy when I have so much to live for and do. My three daughters deserve so much more than I give them sometimes....Some of our favorite times together actually (get ready for this) involve outside activities that actually burn calories! *gasp* - I know!!! Amazing!

Changes with Hubby's job are going to cause us to be even stricter with our finances - hence more outside/recreational time will be utilized since a $75.00 run to the movies will be rare (tickets ans snacks for a family of 5 are not CHEAP!)

So tomorrow - a patch will go on my arm and I plan on taking a walk after school. With the girls. And I don't care that Thanksgiving is Thursday and why start now....because I KNOW that SOMETHING will ALWAYS be coming up - there will never be a good time to start or stop anything. Life isn't static - and my chaoices are the only thing I CAN make constant.

I am really looking forward to some changes in me.

I will hold myself accountable.

Look for more...later.

In the wings...waiting.

My home computer is on it's last leg. One too many viruses, it's 7 years old, the dust, the children! Pick one of the previous for a reason as to why it is always locking up, losing volume, shutting down, going to safe mode - whatever!! Then, blogspot was placed on the "no no" list at school, so I can't stay after to update - and there ya have me. I am hoping to get a new computer at Christmas...and perhaps I will be better at blogging then. Or not.....

Weight wise - same -
But the visit with the dietician was good. I have cut sodas out - no one in the family has them - even if we go out for dinner. Low fat and light products have appeared in the fridge and pantry - and tons of fresh fruit is always around. I think we are slowly making a difference. Next to tackle...actual, scheduled, regular exercise - for all of us!

Work is well...I am so busy! Love teaching math - so much fun!

Realtionships - well, at work - different. Good with team - not so good with admin...because they are crazy. Seriously.

Home life - pretty good. You know you have it alright when you go with your girlfirend to watch Eat,Love, Pray - and she is sobbing and you are thinking - "what's the big deal?"

My girls are growing so fast...I am striving every day to be a better mom. I catch myself putting off their requests to play because I have to get the kitchen done, or laundry put up, or whatever....and I hate myself for it.... I am working on it.

Until I get a better computer - this is probably it for awhile....
Ciao.

Some improvement....

Summer is coming to an end - and I am almost relieved to get back into a routine. I am one of those people that need structure. Being a housewife/stay at home mom was never high on my list, and while being a teacher allows me the best of both worlds(read:home when my kids are home) the end of summer always confirms my chosen path in this life. We have had numerous beach trips, day trips to Sea World, the zoo, lots of movies and camping on the Sabinal river...I am ready to not "plan" my children's entertainment and get back on track. I eat better and generally feel better (the last 2 weeks of summer vacation are much like the last 2 weeks of pregnancy - you are just ready to get it over with!) with said structure and routine. I feel like all I did yesterday was yell at my girls. Not fun for me and I am sure not fun for them. Tonight, I am taking my eldest (9 years old) to go fishing on a pier late at night and crash in a dive motel. She is sooo excited for our grand adventure - and I am looking forward to indulging in my favorite, yet hardly ever indulged in pastime, FISHING! She loves it as much as me - and I am trying really hard to get one on one activities in with all 3 girls. My 7 year old goes 4 wheelin' with her dad as the baby is too young and the 9 year old could care less - so this works.
School clothes and supplies are all bought and I have a few days left to work in my classroom - would be none, but I have been moved to teach 4th grade math....because it is a needy group and I build good relationships with students.....yeah me! I am soooo good with everyone else's children, wish I was as good with my own.
I have been validated by my close girlfriends and let go of some drama inducing, unhealthy ones....feels like a load off! My best friend may be moving down this way...will know more after this Wednesday. I have fallen completely in love with a new blog www.thepioneerwomna.com and have done some reading and no writing except for this poor little neglected blog.
Hubby and I have written out a new budget. Amazing where $6,000 take home a month goes....terrible. Really.
I wish I was more focused and dedicated to writing here. These long jaunts make my entries entirely too scattered. Perhaps soon I will pick just one topic to expound upon. Until then, I feel like this is just a place holder fo me until the next time I can find a few spare minutes to write....

Is summer almost over??

We spent time at the beach. We went to SeaWorld. We camped in our RV. We went chopping, swimming, to the Zoo and to West Texas....have one last trip to the Frio and then school will start. My 15 year old step daughter came down and reinforced my beliefs that I am SOOO not ready for a teenager. Especially a feamale teenager. I am reminded as to why some animals eat their young....

My best friend is moving down to my town - from the big city.....I think she may have culture shock.. No Starbucks around here baby. I am stoked - she has dropped like 70 pounds in under a year - and I will have an exercise partner,....and my best friend to hang with. EXCITING.

I am working on my classroom - going to teach math this year. *crickets*

yeah - I know. I will have to figure out a way to get some creativity into that curriculum.

My weight - terrible.

Next step - meeting with a registered dietitan with my 2 eldest daughters on Wednesday. I have a mAster degree. I am smart. Apparently not about food. I am so screwed up - and I don't want my kids to be. $50.00 for once a month, educational and accountability all rolled into one neat little hour? Sign me up.

This wasn't an advertised service.

I had to call around and ask for it.

Strange - huh?

Will know more then.

Until then - I am continuing to wokr on STAYING positive. I wuit taking Welbutrin due to splitting headaches. I am not feeling the desire to go try something else.l

I think it is now.....

I am in a pretty good spot right now. I am coming off of a totally self destructive path of literally "feeding" the infant in me - what I want, when I want, how much I want - talking about food here! It is as if I was psyching my self up for a diet, and my juvenile mind was taking over and tantrumming "I don't want to!" - so I was giving in and eating everything and anything I wanted. Honestly, most of it wasn't even that great. Of course, the really good stuff I ate way to much of. Well, let's just say the scale was beginning to reflect that...and there are not many numbers that terrify me - but nearing 300 pounds is one way to get my attention! I don't know why 287 seems so acceptable -but 297 is not! I find myself so unbeliebvable at times....

This brings me to the seemingly unrelated pics above. One is at our HillBilly House party - hence the pig tails and gingham shirt - and the other is Havasu Falls. The party pic - I was having a blast, but felt SO huge! Could be the checkered tablecloth of a shirt I was wearing, the constant sweating in the 100' weather, the fact that I was the BIGGEST person there (not to mention the biggest person on my campus where I work, in my social circle, at my high school reunion...the list goes on and on..) Honestly, I think part of my acceptance of myself concerning my size is that I have always been an Amazon among my peers. At 5'10'', I am pretty damn big - no two ways about it. I have been large built my whole life - but I really do think I was more athletic in highschool - not fat. Well, there is no doubt now...

Anyway - the other pic. I am a water baby. I LOVE the water. Unfortunatley, that generally requires a significant reduction in clothing to enjoy - and when I went to the Bahamas - fat be damned, I jumped in my expensive (because a $150 suit makes me look better!) one piece and hopped in. Yes - biggest one around - and what?? But the falls you see in this pic.... to get to them requires a certain level of fitness. I am talking a 10 mile hike to an Indain Village , then another 2 miles to geth there. Of course, you COULD take a Helicopter in to the village and only hike the 2 miles, but they have a 250 pound per passenger weight limit - or you have to pay for 2 people (how mortifying!) You can also get there on horseback (those poor horses - I refuse to even ride a Morgan at this size!) or the use of pack mules to carry your stuff. Either way, I doubt many 287 pounders have expereinced the nirvana these travertine falls offer.

So long rambling to a close...those falls are my goal. The weight loss will be a by product of that goal. Yes - I know I have a significant amount of weight to lose. Surgery still terrifies me. I want a level of health that will coorelate to the activities I want to particiapte in. My body will fall in line with that. My new Saucony tennis shoes from Amazon.com (I wear a size 11 - hard to come by in a store!) should be here in a day or two. I ate a healthy breakfast today and am planning my lunch and dinner. I have a kettle bell to start some kind of weight resistance, a tread mill at my disposal, numerous work out dvds, 3 children and a supportive husband all waiting for anything I throw at them! Oh - and a pool membership, and friends that go to gyms, and parents that will help me in any way....

I am so lucky.

I just can't wallow anymore....

Okay - I am getting over it. Of course -in the course of getting over it I have made some very interesting revelations about myself as well as catching a glimpse of how other people see me. None of which were really great....

1st) People, people close to me, view me as bitter, angry, mad, upset. Funny thing is, I only view myself that way...SOME of the time. And only lately at that. I remember last summer a girlfriend bemoaning some error her husband had made, and I was a good listener - and she commented that I NEVER complained about my husband. My - how times can change..... Then the daughter of a friend was visiting and said " Smile - I haven't seen you smile since I have been here..."

2nd) As I spiraled into almost rage at the absence of my husband over a holiday weekend while I was home with OUR 3 kids and a semi-functioning vehicle, I came to the realization that I have no desire to be a single parent. Right - no divorce in my future. Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief before I slap you across the face with this fact....
If I was to get divorced, I don't think I would want primary custody of my children. At least not right now. I just don't think I could do it. Of course - with his job - he couldn't either - so there you go. I do love my husband - and I believe he loves me - but man, our communication has got to improve. That - or we just may be battling it out in front of a judge...deciding who WILL take the kids!

3rd) I may just be a little crazy. I had a moment where I was crying, talking to my husband about feeling abandoned..and one huge tear formed over my eye, spilled over the edge, and a strange sense of clarity arrived at about the time the last of the moisture was pulled from my lens...literally, it was like sadness gathered in that droplet and left my body. I sat up, washed my face, and just decided I was not going to cry any more. Now don't get me wrong - my eyes still prickle with tears at asinine reasons, but the waterfalls are stopped - for now.


So overall, I am working at not being such a bitch, smiling more, loving my kiddos more, and communicating better. Yeah - summer here I come. Not sure how much pretend play I am going to be able to handle - but I do well with beach trips. Yes - lots and lots of beach trips...

Damn - that means swimsuits for me.....uuugghhh - another post another day.