Being Honest

I have not smoked - at all - since February 22nd. I have had only 2 binge eating episodes - and I must admit, they have not been the absolute worst...Last night was 2 bowls of noodle,meat, cheese casserole, 1 banana with peanut butter and a glass of chocolate milk......Felt terrible afterwards - but learned a lesson I thought I knew.
#1 - Don't let myself get that hungry! I had a shake for breakfast, a handful of almonds around 10:00, a wrap for lunch - then nada until dinner...(I did try to eat a cube of my EXPENSIVE aged cheddar - was good, but not enough...)
#2 - I can not cook that stuff anymore!! Pasta dishes in general are my trigger! I LOVE pasta - all kinds, all ways - and want to eat WAY too much. I can not eat 1 cup of pasta - ridiculous! So, my family will just have to forgo it most of the time. I can resist mac n cheese. They can have that - but not I.......


I am also coming to some undeniable truths in the exploration of self. I refuse to feel guilty about my eldest daughter any longer. Her behaviors are NOT a result of MY crappy parenting. I can now see our difficulties stemming from her disability. She has a disability in the area of frustration tolerance and flexibility. This may sound like a cop out - and if you think so - screw you! For the last 8 years, I have read, tried everything, medicated, punished, rewarded, cried, spanked, begged, counseled with, play therapied ourselves to death and even had 2 other children that EASILY fit in the spectrum of normal behaviors.....so what the hell!!??!!

Dr. Greene -The Explosive Child - may damn well of saved my sanity and my first born's life! I was to the point that I was considering letting her live with my parents, going back to major medications, or running away. Seriously. Now, I have a plan (3 to be exact) and we are working on it. It is a terrible feeling to think that you should not have had other children. I never wished for my eldest to not be born - juts the opposite. If I had KNOWN how difficult it was going to be - maybe I would not have had 2 more children. I love them each so much - but her demands make me feel so inadequate....and it seems so unfair sometimes.....I am glad to be back on track.
*side note * I have OWNED this book for a few years....just hadn't read it yet. Thanks Dad for the recommendation....

I am doing it.....

There is something spiritual about having your toes done. I used to scoff at pedicures - in fact, I often felt horrible for those that performed them. However - I have seen the light. For the last 2 years, I have steadily become a regular client at "Nails by Lee" - and I am not ashamed to admit that I wish I had a monthly standing appointment. That 1 hour of unadulterated ME time for the benefit of my little piggies has big payoff for me mentally. I think I will write it into my budget and go more regularly - I mean, it doesn't REALLY just benefit me. I am helping the economy, any body that has to gaze upon my footsies (and not go into a seizure at the condition of my cracked, calloused heels sans pedicures) and even my hubby - who I may rub up on occasionally ;)
I am also getting braver. Here is a wonderful photo taken of myself at 279 pounds. It was 276 on Friday - but I am blaming a few carby meals and water retention and plan on being under 276 for my weigh in on Friday. I am enjoying my SPark energy drink and massive amounts of water - and can probably log all the LONG walks down the hallway to the ladies room due to said h2o intake. I am chugging along - and even enjoyed a game of kickball with my students last Friday. Another teacher commented "you were really moving out there!" (I did score a run for the team I was on!) I told her - "Yeah - I can move when I have too. However, it is a great lesson for science concerning momentum - it takes me a bit of time to stop!" Had fun though......
Which leaves me with this last pic....a fellow friend blogger - kimayres at the ramblings of the bearded one - commented on portrait photography. Seems many don't like their mug. Oh - I like my face well enough. You can go back and see some of my previous entries for profile pics...Just can't seem to get the profile image to load on this stupid blog! I actually really like my face. It is rather symmetrical, a few moles for character, lots of laugh lines and worry lines (3 daughters - HELLO!) and my blue eyes. I like my straight nose and my lips are full enough. I wax often enough and pluck in between - and if I like you, you will see my dimples....
My face is not my problem - body image is another. I am working on it.....
Overall - I am doing it - and doing it well.....

Absolutely Amazing

I feel like a new person......I am not sure if it is not smoking, better eating, taking Spark (an energy/focusing supplement) or what - but man - I like it! For the last 7 days I have had more energy, a better attitude - you know, the "I CAN DO THIS!" mentality that allows me to get my checklists done and not feel like a failure. If I was spending money like crazy and not sleeping - I would think that I was a total bipolar mess (like my beloved deceased Grandmother). She LOVED her mania - which is why she would stop her lithium and spiral away......

I feel joy like I have not in a LONG, LONG time. I feel inspired and capable and I am noticing that feeling this way just snowballs all the other things I want to do - be healthier, lose weight, be a better parent, teacher, partner, daughter.....It is just amazing!


My husband has even noticed (an appreciated ;) ) my new found energy and attitude....A good thing about blogging about it - for me, is that if I do spiral down - I will have evidence of a problem. I was in a really bad place. The kind of mental lowness that kept me daydreaming about running away to Alaska, smoking myself to death in a cheap place of abode, waiting tables with no responsibilites! Did I mention that I was going there ALONE? That's right - I was fantasizing of leaving EVERYTHING and being responsible for NO ONE but me.....Terrible!

How could I ever think about leaving this?

That girl's just not quite right....

I have been hiding. I have shown parts of myself to many people, but never my whole self. Not to anyone...ever....I don't think I am even honest with myself. I joked awhile back on my facebook about whether insanity was an instantaneous state or if it creeped up on you slowly. Do you snap or do you just bend into oblivion? I think I may have been bending a little too much for awhile there...but am back on an even keel now.














Perhaps is was a horrid bladder infection that I tried to treat myself with Mexican antibiotics (note to others: Amoxicillin is great for upper respiratory, but not so good with bladders - oh, and it can give you a raving yeast infection too!)
So to the doctor I go, admit my self medication, grovel for the one pill yeast infection cure without the humiliation of stirrups (by God, I know what a yeast infection is!!) and 2 weeks later I am finally coming out of a fog. I am still fat. I still smoke. I still have issues with my kiddos and my life......big freakin' surprise huh?

So the pics are just how I am feeling. Behind a veil. A part of my pieces. Not feeling so upbeat and wonderful and optimistic these days. Dragging through the week - punctuated with extreme joy and then sadness. Watching the clock to get to bed at night, barely keeping up with household chores, fatigued as hell and constantly bashing myself with what I am not good at,not doing right, not getting better at.....
Then I try and ease up on myself - and just admit I am a big, fat, smoker...there - is that the worst thing in life? I am such and ADDICT! I hope to be back soon with a little something better to say about anything.....

New Year's Post

Yep - it is a new me already. Didn't even wait for January 1st! I was really getting a little old for long, flowing, goldy locks. Besides, it goes with my need for a change - and girls know that sometimes an outward appearance can make a world of difference in changing how you feel. So this is the new me - the beginning of a change. Yes, I have resolutions I am making. Yes - my diet and exercise (or actual lack of any) is one of the things I wish to change. However, that is not the only thing I am going to hold myself accountable for. I think I will make a list now and revisit in June to take stock. While weightloss will be high on my list, there are several other "must do's" that have been rambling in the back of my mind - just not getting done. So....I will write them here and see if they get done, or closer to done, or started......

So - for 2010 -

Drum roll please......

By the end of June - I will.........

* Write. Not just my blog, which I haven't done a great job of yet - but I do feel like I am warming up. No, I mean write, as in my novel. Meagan has got to get out of my head and on paper...even if I butcher her and wrap her in it!!

*Blog AT LEAST once a week - even if it is a blurb. I follow so many blogs - and I feel so sad when they don't update, and so happy when they do - so I will do my part. I will also try and leave a comment on blogs I visit, as I also know that mysterious lurkers (while appreciated for the number on my little counter) need to say "hi" once in awhile......

* I will weigh....OMG - I can't believe I am going to post a number....250 come June. See - only need to lose 5 pounds- I can do it! *snicker* Okay - so it is more than 5 pounds - but I am not brave enough to post it - yet....I will - it is just a number, but by God, it is a BIG number.....

* Exercise -4 times a week for at least a half hour each time. This can be dancing, treadmill, family walk. Anything - as long as it is a conscious effort to move my buttocks. I have the shoes - no excuses.....

* Each week, I will make time to just PLAY with my girls. I do play, I do chase and tickle, I do so love them....but I feel like I get them set up with an activity, then bail to clean or put up or - oh I don't know - go to the bathroom! - and leave them to play without me. Or at least without me fully present. I hate that. They won't remember how clean the house was when they leave or think back on their time with me. They will remember Mom sitting IN their sheet tents in the living room. The plays we make with the stuffed animals. Charades. boardgames. I want to be a better Mom - in a measurable way. So my resolution is one hour a week of strictly play time. No phone interruptions. No cleaning or picking up. Just a play time.

* Indiviudual time - this is a biggy. With 3 daughters, sometimes it is hard to just get the neccessities done. I have them for such a short amount of time, and I love each one sooo much. I will do an activity - one one one - with each child, each week. It could be a walk, a bubble bath, story time, cooking time, something with just one of them. Then I will also do something extraordinary for my beloved husband. At least once a week, I will show him, in some way, how special he is to me. A love note in his truck. An extra special meal. Clip his toemails...okay, I will stop there. NO need to get too intimate. But with the disentegration of so many marriages around me, I want him to know how special he is to me. I know that if we are strong together, our family as a whole will be strong. I can't let daily life take away from what created this family - our love.

So that is my list. I decided to take the numbers off because I do not think they should be ranked, but taken as a whole. They are all good resolutions - and I beleive attainable and measurable. Let's check back in 6 months -

I may very well repost this at the end of June with an update.....

Until then - Happy New Year -

Be the Best you can be and be kind!

Pooh and Poo!

My sister in law was cleaning out some toys and asked if Kat would like this giant Pooh - I said sure...and a love affair was born....My baby carries this thing around with her everywhere...to sleep, she puts a seatbelt on it in the car, and takes it to school (this is still cool as she is 3!)
Who knew she would love Pooh - as I have not read any Pooh stories to her or watched Pooh movies..but love him she does!





I will have to say that she is a bit bemused by his name. Pooh. You see, we are in the middle of "poo" potty training. My child pees like a champ - stays dry all day and half the night - but poo? A whole other story...So maybe this will lead into some poos on the potty.....












And here we are at the Christmas party last Saturday. A handsome couple if I do say so myself. We won't discuss the fact that he has lost over 50 pounds while I HAD lost over 20 and am maintaining at 14 pounds....for now....uuuggghhh!









and for the real "poo" part - we are irritated with each other as of this moment. Not end of the hunt, deal breaker kind of stuff - more like hurt feelings (mine) and an inability to apologize (his) and throw in holiday stress and 18,000 in credit card debt - well you get the picture....
I do know this. Without him, my family would not exist. Because of him, I have more than I ever dreamed if. Because of him, I am thankful for God's blessings and I will take deep breaths and let my feelings heal and move on. Because of him, I really am happy and am reminded over and over in my daily interactions with other women how lucky I truly am. So what if he opened a bath robe I had set aside as a gift for a needy family "just to try it out" - and then got PISSED when I questioned him about it...see? Silly! I am not hunting for him in the bars or struggling to feed my children, or hit, or feel unloved....Communication will be something we will work on for the rest of my life. At least I do not worry about if he is leaving - for good. I do not worry if I will make him so mad he will go. I am blessed and thankful and in love.

A weekend in review

I can not drink. Hubby had a Christmas party for his job on Saturday night - it used to be a Big Deal in Galveston at Moody Gardens, catered, entertainment, hotel rooms, big gifts, $500.00 gift cards for the wives....
This year was better - in my opinion. Local, good food, DJ and karaoke, $500.00 gift card for the wives, and it was the people you hung out with at the bigger party - with no LONG drive home...
I had my hair and make up done - I will have to post a pic later. I wish I had taken a pic of the back of my hair - it looked like spiraled ribbons - soooo pretty.
Anyway - hubby drank beer like a fish in water - and I had 3 wine coolers over 6 hours.....made me happy, but not drunk.....
Now, Friday we had dinner at a friend's house, home and in bed around 1:00 a.m., kids never sleep in, had to go to a bake sale at 9:00 Saturday morning, then off to town around 1:00 with some running around for the party. Party started at 6:30 p.m. and we left about 12:30. It took us a little longer than normal to get home as hubby needed..ummmmm....pit stops. Several of them. And not to pee. GROSS! So - I crawled into bed around 2:00 - Dad had to magistrate in the morning, so the kiddos were dropped off at 8:09a.m. ugggh - I am so thankful they kept them overnight - but I can't say I was thrilled....
So in they came and my head ache started......off to church we went. In Hubby's truck - because my needed to be hosed down.....*gross* Had a great Sunday school, but the babysitter did not show....and since I have 3 children, I volunteered to stay in the nursery with our lovely 94 year old helper. Only one other child stayed in the nursery - and she is severely disabled and in a wheel chair. So I spent 45 minutes "baby sitting" my own children. Left church ran home, at, left with sister in law to go get McKenna"s #1 Christmas present - a ball python and cage. Then went and did some shopping for the family I am sponsoring for Christmas. Got home at about 7:00 p.m. House is a mess, my head still hurts, I don't drink!!!!