95% and counting.....

I am in month 4 of my "medically supervised diet" required by my insurance to have weight loss surgery. Only other requirement is an ultrasound of my gall bladder as I get closer to the date I pick for surgery. If it looks susceptible to gall stones, they will remove it at the same time as the surgery as gall stones plague weight loss surgery patients.
Of the Supervised diet...it is a joke. My family doctor is awesome - like her a lot....but all she does is recommend a 1500 calorie diet and exercise...duh!! If I could stick to that I would! On the brighter side, I signed up for the biggest loser competition at my school and they put us in teams....THAT makes for some accountability and I lost 5 pounds in the first week....it is 8 weeks long so it coincides with the end of the "supervised" one - so maybe I won't hang my head in shame as I step on the scale at the end of this month. Of course, I have lost 1,000 pounds - the same 20-30 over and over! I even lost 50 once on the Atkin's...only to get pregnant and gain it all back, plus some.

SO - I am 95% sure I am going to have this surgery in June....3rd or 4th week of June. Then I will have the rest of the summer to normalize to my new eating. I weighed the timing heavily...and am still worried about depriving my children of fun filled summer days - but I have an excellent support system. I even shared with my other teacher's on my team that I was thinking about it, and they were super supportive, and one of them even shared that her best friend was having the surgery over spring break. Geesh - the stigma and fear of putting that info out there was bothering me more than I thought. It's not like they haven't seen the size of my arse going doing down the halls every day!! :)

SO I am trucking on, lots going on in my daily life. Finishing up Dave Ramsey's 13 week Financial Peace University this coming Tuesday with my husband....it has had some rough patches, but overall has really changed how we view our money. It has been a huge blessing to our family.

I am not smoking (fell off the wagon for a few days with Hubby's 40th birthday bash), but feel really good about that! Am trying to really spend quality time with family members - even gave my Dad a birthday card filled with activities for us to do together instead of the traditional Amazon gift card.

All is well in my life, looking forward to changes in my body......

More appointments..

This last Thursday was a trifecta towards bariatric surgery. I took the required 2 hour nutrition class geared towards idiots to explain cars, protein and fat. She also discussed the post surgery diet and amounts. BLAH BLAH BLAH. She did however throw in a pun only I caught....she gave some info and said "go ahead and ruminate on that" I about fell out of my chair. Did she just call us cows??

Then I had a few hours before my meet and greet with the shrink - so I grabbed a taco and went and had a pedicure. Then to the psyche eval I went. Basically, as long as you are not bulimic, bi-polar, or under a severe life change, you can qualify. It was kind of nice to talk to her though, because she was 63 and had a gastric bypass 3 years ago. She was very down to earth and funny.

Then I went with the technician for a pre-pic. I asked why now, when I wouldn't even be eligible for surgery until March and that I probably wouldn't even do it until June - but we had fun with it. First I smiled and threw up a peace sign, but then a light clicked. I told her I should be there next billboard model and you always pose in horrible clothes and no makeup for the "before" pic - then have a total make over in a year or two! We laughed and laughed, and then she told me how beautiful I already was and how gorgeous I would be after. The she floored and me and in a serious voice, told me they would LOVE to have me in their advertisements. Made me feel good. Then I find out she is the Doctor's wife - too funny.
I meet with the doctor and go over my blood work. Lipids high, Cholesterol high - but the worst was the diabetes marker. If you are over 6.3 on your ACI, you are diabetic. Below - you are not. I am AT 6.3!! SCARY! Long story short, I have the choice of bypass or sleeve. He told me the pros and cons - and the sleeve is definitely less invasive. Removal of part of the stomach is not only a simpler surgery, but also eliminates the issues of malnourishment or major deficiencies like the bypass. The other difference is an issue of pounds. He says the sleeve will basically help me drop 100 pounds and the bypass would help me lose 125 pounds.... Geesh. What a dilemma....

That's where I am now.....5 more months of a medically supervised diet to qualify, then all systems go....
We shall see......

First Visit Done

I had my first of 6 visits for the medically supervised diets I am required by my insurance company to undertake prior to their approval of surgery. I went in really hoping they might offer some type of advice or eating plan that I could try and be successful with. Nope. Basically it was a weight and height check. I am 5 foot 9 inches (apparently I have lost an entire inch since highschool and 3 children) and according to their scale - I am at 303 pounds. I need to quit hiding this number. It is just me weight - not all of who I am. My scale at home said 298 - I don't know why that seems so much better....
Anyway - the next 10 minutes were basically asking what I eat and informing me of items I should steer away from. Next THursday will be my BIG day - I meet with a nutritionist, have my psych eval, and meet with the actual Dr. that will do the surgery. The fact that I do not have diabetes or high blood pressure means the sleeve will probably be best for me, and I am glad. While it is still quite an invasive surgery, the fact that my intestines would not have to be re-routed is more appealing.
So I have gone walking a few times, drink nothing but water, and am reading other's success stories about the sleeve. Youtube has provides lots of encouragement as well - it is really amazing the transformation some women have undergone. Also seeing my friends Kim and Kayce is helpful. They do not appear miserable and both tell me it is the best thing they have ever done. They are half the women they used to be, and more active than ever.
I want that.

Being Honest

I have not smoked - at all - since February 22nd. I have had only 2 binge eating episodes - and I must admit, they have not been the absolute worst...Last night was 2 bowls of noodle,meat, cheese casserole, 1 banana with peanut butter and a glass of chocolate milk......Felt terrible afterwards - but learned a lesson I thought I knew.
#1 - Don't let myself get that hungry! I had a shake for breakfast, a handful of almonds around 10:00, a wrap for lunch - then nada until dinner...(I did try to eat a cube of my EXPENSIVE aged cheddar - was good, but not enough...)
#2 - I can not cook that stuff anymore!! Pasta dishes in general are my trigger! I LOVE pasta - all kinds, all ways - and want to eat WAY too much. I can not eat 1 cup of pasta - ridiculous! So, my family will just have to forgo it most of the time. I can resist mac n cheese. They can have that - but not I.......


I am also coming to some undeniable truths in the exploration of self. I refuse to feel guilty about my eldest daughter any longer. Her behaviors are NOT a result of MY crappy parenting. I can now see our difficulties stemming from her disability. She has a disability in the area of frustration tolerance and flexibility. This may sound like a cop out - and if you think so - screw you! For the last 8 years, I have read, tried everything, medicated, punished, rewarded, cried, spanked, begged, counseled with, play therapied ourselves to death and even had 2 other children that EASILY fit in the spectrum of normal behaviors.....so what the hell!!??!!

Dr. Greene -The Explosive Child - may damn well of saved my sanity and my first born's life! I was to the point that I was considering letting her live with my parents, going back to major medications, or running away. Seriously. Now, I have a plan (3 to be exact) and we are working on it. It is a terrible feeling to think that you should not have had other children. I never wished for my eldest to not be born - juts the opposite. If I had KNOWN how difficult it was going to be - maybe I would not have had 2 more children. I love them each so much - but her demands make me feel so inadequate....and it seems so unfair sometimes.....I am glad to be back on track.
*side note * I have OWNED this book for a few years....just hadn't read it yet. Thanks Dad for the recommendation....

I am doing it.....

There is something spiritual about having your toes done. I used to scoff at pedicures - in fact, I often felt horrible for those that performed them. However - I have seen the light. For the last 2 years, I have steadily become a regular client at "Nails by Lee" - and I am not ashamed to admit that I wish I had a monthly standing appointment. That 1 hour of unadulterated ME time for the benefit of my little piggies has big payoff for me mentally. I think I will write it into my budget and go more regularly - I mean, it doesn't REALLY just benefit me. I am helping the economy, any body that has to gaze upon my footsies (and not go into a seizure at the condition of my cracked, calloused heels sans pedicures) and even my hubby - who I may rub up on occasionally ;)
I am also getting braver. Here is a wonderful photo taken of myself at 279 pounds. It was 276 on Friday - but I am blaming a few carby meals and water retention and plan on being under 276 for my weigh in on Friday. I am enjoying my SPark energy drink and massive amounts of water - and can probably log all the LONG walks down the hallway to the ladies room due to said h2o intake. I am chugging along - and even enjoyed a game of kickball with my students last Friday. Another teacher commented "you were really moving out there!" (I did score a run for the team I was on!) I told her - "Yeah - I can move when I have too. However, it is a great lesson for science concerning momentum - it takes me a bit of time to stop!" Had fun though......
Which leaves me with this last pic....a fellow friend blogger - kimayres at the ramblings of the bearded one - commented on portrait photography. Seems many don't like their mug. Oh - I like my face well enough. You can go back and see some of my previous entries for profile pics...Just can't seem to get the profile image to load on this stupid blog! I actually really like my face. It is rather symmetrical, a few moles for character, lots of laugh lines and worry lines (3 daughters - HELLO!) and my blue eyes. I like my straight nose and my lips are full enough. I wax often enough and pluck in between - and if I like you, you will see my dimples....
My face is not my problem - body image is another. I am working on it.....
Overall - I am doing it - and doing it well.....

Absolutely Amazing

I feel like a new person......I am not sure if it is not smoking, better eating, taking Spark (an energy/focusing supplement) or what - but man - I like it! For the last 7 days I have had more energy, a better attitude - you know, the "I CAN DO THIS!" mentality that allows me to get my checklists done and not feel like a failure. If I was spending money like crazy and not sleeping - I would think that I was a total bipolar mess (like my beloved deceased Grandmother). She LOVED her mania - which is why she would stop her lithium and spiral away......

I feel joy like I have not in a LONG, LONG time. I feel inspired and capable and I am noticing that feeling this way just snowballs all the other things I want to do - be healthier, lose weight, be a better parent, teacher, partner, daughter.....It is just amazing!


My husband has even noticed (an appreciated ;) ) my new found energy and attitude....A good thing about blogging about it - for me, is that if I do spiral down - I will have evidence of a problem. I was in a really bad place. The kind of mental lowness that kept me daydreaming about running away to Alaska, smoking myself to death in a cheap place of abode, waiting tables with no responsibilites! Did I mention that I was going there ALONE? That's right - I was fantasizing of leaving EVERYTHING and being responsible for NO ONE but me.....Terrible!

How could I ever think about leaving this?

Hello. My name is Shannon and I am an addict.

Yeah....so these were supposed to go at the end of the entry......still learning....
But here are a few pics of me (I am usually behind the lens for obvious reasons!)
In the Bahamas - told you my hubby encourages me to fly my freak flag!


And look below...can you pick me out?? Yes - I am the BIGGEST one on the stage competing in what I thought was a trivia games show...turned out to be a competition for Ms. Sandals Royal Bahamian and consited not of trivia, but booty shaking and chair dances...and yes, I won.....that is another entry, perhaps on fat acceptance, sympathy votes, and maybe even confidence levels.....

We will go again - and I will post side by side before and after pics. It was truly heaven on earth...and I was as big as the moon!

All the reasons why are in this picture....taken July 2009. 15 year old stepdaughter, McKenna is 8, Rhiannon is 6, and Kathrynn is 2. Jeff is 36 and I am 34. I have lost 20 pounds since this pic...and Jeff has lost 28 pounds. Before and after pics will follow when I have some "afters"!

Perception is a powerful thing. I have long perceived myself as an athlete. (NOt sure why....just have) I have often looked at a pair of size 22 pants held out in front of me and thought to myself how HUGE they look, only to put them *snugly* on and think "That doesn't look too bad...." I have acknowledged that I am bigger than most around me, and shrugged it off to being an Amazon - and relishing in it. At 5'9", I do tower over most....however, the fact that I can provide shade for 4 average individuals doesn't often come to the forefront of my brain. I have lived in denial for a loooong time.
It does not help my "condition" that I have a husband that loves every square inch of my body and can make me feel sexy and powerful, even with the lights on. While I am lucky, thus far, to have excellent blood pressure, no problems with sugar levels, and only borderline cholesterol and triglyceride levels - they are just waiting for me I am sure. I need to be honest with myself about my weight and health for the long term. I have a lot to stick around for and stay active with....my three amazing daughters. This is obviously important - and my subconscious is kicking into overtime lately with a string of vivid and heart wrenching dreams. Last nights consisted of being told I had 2 weeks to live and I cried - in my sleep - woke up with tears on my pillow - Dreamed of writing long letters to my daughters that would have to grow up with out their Mom....horrifying and not really able to type more about it as my eyes tear up....
So - back to one of the reasons I am going to write more...accountability.
I am an addict. I love carbs. Pasta, rice, potatoes, enchiladas, fried, greasy, cheesy, doughy stuff...it calls to me all day. I am an intelligent woman with a master's degree and 4.0 GPA to back that up....but stupid when it has come to my own health and that of my family.
I am MORBIDLY obese - and I am changing that. Through a change in lifestyle - not a DIET that has begin and end date. My family has started this change already and we are kicking it up another few notches. I have lost 20 pounds, Jeff 28 pounds, and the girls are visibly changing. We are teaching them "all the time" foods and "once in awhile" foods. We have already kicked ALL sodas out of the house and switched completely to brown rice and WHOLE GRAIN everything else (and that is still in small amounts). My grocery bill is high and we plan a week's worth of menus at a time to allow for the fresh veggies.
I can do this. I must do this. I know how and will make a commitment each and every day to do this....after my birthday! See! I told you - addict behavior!! Oct. 19th will mark my 35th birthday and more than a decade of being MORBIDLY obese. 15 years of being over weight. It is time.....
So...it is beginning of an end. As an addict, I know there is no end - but a journey.

Continuing to practice.....

My best friend and biggest supporter....
My 3rd and last daughter when she was 2 months old.
The Momma bear and her cubs - I am triply blessed!


My engines are revving, my tank is full, I am almost ready for blast off.....
Let me try a few more of these knobs and gadgets and clear my throat..
It's coming people...it is coming self...
break into song
*I can feel it coming in the air tonight.......**