Being Honest

I have not smoked - at all - since February 22nd. I have had only 2 binge eating episodes - and I must admit, they have not been the absolute worst...Last night was 2 bowls of noodle,meat, cheese casserole, 1 banana with peanut butter and a glass of chocolate milk......Felt terrible afterwards - but learned a lesson I thought I knew.
#1 - Don't let myself get that hungry! I had a shake for breakfast, a handful of almonds around 10:00, a wrap for lunch - then nada until dinner...(I did try to eat a cube of my EXPENSIVE aged cheddar - was good, but not enough...)
#2 - I can not cook that stuff anymore!! Pasta dishes in general are my trigger! I LOVE pasta - all kinds, all ways - and want to eat WAY too much. I can not eat 1 cup of pasta - ridiculous! So, my family will just have to forgo it most of the time. I can resist mac n cheese. They can have that - but not I.......


I am also coming to some undeniable truths in the exploration of self. I refuse to feel guilty about my eldest daughter any longer. Her behaviors are NOT a result of MY crappy parenting. I can now see our difficulties stemming from her disability. She has a disability in the area of frustration tolerance and flexibility. This may sound like a cop out - and if you think so - screw you! For the last 8 years, I have read, tried everything, medicated, punished, rewarded, cried, spanked, begged, counseled with, play therapied ourselves to death and even had 2 other children that EASILY fit in the spectrum of normal behaviors.....so what the hell!!??!!

Dr. Greene -The Explosive Child - may damn well of saved my sanity and my first born's life! I was to the point that I was considering letting her live with my parents, going back to major medications, or running away. Seriously. Now, I have a plan (3 to be exact) and we are working on it. It is a terrible feeling to think that you should not have had other children. I never wished for my eldest to not be born - juts the opposite. If I had KNOWN how difficult it was going to be - maybe I would not have had 2 more children. I love them each so much - but her demands make me feel so inadequate....and it seems so unfair sometimes.....I am glad to be back on track.
*side note * I have OWNED this book for a few years....just hadn't read it yet. Thanks Dad for the recommendation....

Momma lied

Okay - I love my Mom. However, when I was a kid and would get my feelings hurt or had a friend lie to me or overheard not so nice comments, she would tell me that kids could be mean and it would all be better when I was a grown up. Well, I joke with her about it now and she laughingly replies that she had to say SOMETHING to keep me from slitting my wrists ( I was already a cutter, so she wasn't too far off - but that is another post). The point is that what she said was really not true. IT is not "better" as an adult. I know there are just some people that are more sensitive in this world -and I will quickly raise my hand to admit to being one of them. I am not, nor ever have been, one of those people that pick on someone else to fit into a group. I have always, even as a child, formed my own opinion about people. Perfect? Far from it - I continue to work on forgiveness and compromise. But mean? Never.....
So now the circle has come back around. I am a mother. I have a sensitive child. She doesn't understand when she is left out, made fun of for such terrible things as wearing a dress, or when she has someone act in a down right rude way to her.
Of course, the sisters can be TERRIBLE to each other - but not to other kids. So, me eldest in particular, truly struggles with navigating this world with all the meanness, snubbery, snobbery, and cliques...so what do I do? Do I tell her it will all be better when she is older? I know that is not true, but I do know as I got older I had more CHOICE in who I surrounded myself with. Also, as I've aged, I have seen my circle grow smaller but more intense - with my family buring brightest in the center. All others are shadows behind them....
I believe I will continue to raise my children encouraging kindness to everyone, but instilling a backbone that no one else really matters like family. Perhaps that will stop the sister wars - but maybe not.....
I do know this. I am proud of the type of person I have grown into. I am a good friend, a good wife, a pretty good mom, a good sister, a good daughter, and my skin has thickened. My perspective has changed with the creation and embracing of my family. I hope that I can be that example for my girls. I don't want to see my daughter's face fall when someone shuts the door in her face intentionally. I don't want to rip the head off another adult (a teacher no less), when they react nonchalantly to their child's rude behavior, and I don't want to lie to her about how everyone grows up and becomes a respectful human being. I will be honest with her about how some people have mean hearts and that she should CHOOSE to surround herself with other kind people. I hope to continue to be an example of that for her - and to continue to improve myslef along the way.