Could it be????

I am starting to feel a little better. Being a fan of science, I must say that there are really entirely too many variable to contribute this to any one thing. Day 4 of antidepressants - my gut says it is really too early - but this is brain chemistry and therefore a very individual thing. I am 4 days without a cigarette (yes, I know this seems a bit masochistic, but I just assume get all the SHIT over with at once. I am the jump in the pool, rip off the band aid in one fell swoop kind of girl) so it could be that. My husband is returning from an out of town trip tomorrow and I am relishing handing over the parental reins for a while and basking in doing nothing for a day or 2. I am at peace with my work related, self imposed funk and have just come to terms - again - with the fact that some (maybe even a lot) of people just suck. So which or what is it that is making me feel a bit better today? Who knows...but feeling better I am. Yeah me.

I did it

wellbutrin SR - actually buprorion SR - the generic. Day 2. No smoking and taking a different drug. I have to tell you - so far I think I am just MORE pissy.. In fact - I know it. I am trying to isolate myself so my rage does not bleed over onto my friends. Nothing like hurting the ones that love you the most...I am already doing that. Had 2 emails from friends asking if I was mad at them.. Nice - huh? And work - love the kids and my class - can't stand the admin and BS that goes with it. Kind of ironic that I am applying so they can tell me no. Of course, this allows me to armchair QB with impunity. I can always say "See, I tried...." He he he. I think this will be the last time I apply locally though. I will just enjoy my kiddos growing up and then commute later...I have a long way to go until retirement. I am looking at the marathon stretch right now - I can sprint later.
And ex - wives. OMG. I think I may unleash a bit of my unrequited rage on her tonight. I am just about done with the snarky attitude, the complaining, the sheer avarice with which any phone message from her seethes with her bitterness of her biggest mistake. Get over whack job. It's been 14 years!!! Find someone else for the love of GOD! Torture some other family - and quit harping about karma! Maybe you should take a look around and realize your empty, lonely, low rent life is because of YOUR karma. You are a cheater, a lousy mother, an ignorant blight on the world that spews filth and hate - still! My God.......I love how she leaves messages on MY cellphone for my husband. She had HIS number. AAAAHHH! I just can't stand her.....
And I no longer believe there is such a thing as grown ups. Instead, bodies just get bigger and mentalities stay pretty much the same as they were in junior high. I have seen it over and over again....disgusting. Bullying, mocking, cliques and impenetrable circles based on God knows what to justify the who's who and who's not....Just so tired of it. Really.
So I leave this entry feeling no better than when I started. I need to get over this mad feeling soon -
so frustrated.

Perceptions vs. Reality vs. things I know and don't want to deal with

I am taking a real good look at myself. Have you ever experienced true denial? Have you ever had people tell you something over and over again, but you just don't see it? I already joke about my reverse anorexia....you know...I see the number on the scale, I see the sizes on the tags, but I just don't think I am THAT big! Perhaps this same "denial" is occurring for my moods. It's easy to discount your mother - that's what we all do - isn't it? Especially if your mother is ready to diagnose and recommend pharmaceutical cures for everyone but herself.... But what if close friends are hinting, sharing, and making comments about the wonders of anti-depressants? Do you listen - or just nod your head and thank them so much for caring. Do you say "Thanks" or "Butt out"? Do you feel loved and cared for or annoyed and irritated? I am feeling both.
I have used anti-depressants before. For 6 months. Then I got pregnant and have not had TIME to be depressed. I am exhausted at times. Elated at others. I am bitchy sometimes - and a seemingly endless pool of patience at others. My poor kids - they never know which way I will swing. 432 warnings or a spanking- guess what's behind door number 3!!! Then again, as a behavior specialist, I know intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful! :) Special ed humor there.....
I like to read back over my posts - and I can definitely tell when I am on a upswing. The down is not in a hole - just a BLAH feeling. I function. I am not bipolar - but everyone has mood swings - right? Why does our society feel like a little valley must be jumped on and medicated? Why would I medicate myself when I don't even medicate my child? Of course - perhaps I do not medicate my child because I do not medicate myself. I despise pharmaceutical companies, drug reps, and doctors that "push" the latest drugs for wonderful freebies....kind of takes the whole trust/relationship aspect out of the equation for me.
Anyway - whoever said life was supposed to be roses ALL the time? Will taking a drug give me a nice plastic glow? Or will I truly feel more on my upswing? I don't feel depressed so much as irritated...a lot. But I believe I have almost always been that way. I am innately bitchy. I have very early memories of my mother telling me how negative I was. Of course - I like to consider myself just more of a realist...
So - long rant cut short, I do have an appointment with my family physician at 4:15 today. I had to go anyway to go over some blood work. Might as well discuss medication for mild to moderate depression with him. I mean - what's a little more weight gain, possible seizures or liver damage really stack up against being a shiny, happy person?
I don't know...maybe it will be worth it.
I may do a little research though.. I wonder what the percentages are of women with 3 young children, full time jobs, work-related absentee husbands, compound living, disabled brother, over qualified for their job types that are medicated? I am guessing quite a few. Of course - food and nicotine have been my 2 favorites - but I am (once again) quitting one and possibly thinking about moderating the other....
We shall see......

These are the days...

These are the days when one seems to blend into another. Monday through Friday are simply 5 days in between the weekends. We get up, dressed, eat breakfast, go to work/school, come home, eat dinner, play or watch a little tv, baths, bed, and sleep. Weekends come with about an hour of extra sleep - if I don't stay up watching tivoed shows. weekends also bring about routine cleaning/maintenance. Noting much exciting happening - a smattering of kiddy birthday parties to attend. No big events for me until our June 19th house party - yes - the Hill Billy House PArty. Fun times.....
These are the days that fly by and then you turn around in a few years and say "Where did time go?" I am trying to appreciate the small things - dancing with my kids. My babies 3 year old unbearable cuteness, funny anecdotes from students....living in the moment. Then another weekend rolls up and mundane chores prevail and it seems almost Ground Hog Dayish....

I am not down - but I am not hyped either. I feel very vanilla....
Sure, there are some things that have my feathers ruffled....an administrative position possibly opened and not feeling like I have a shot. The uncertainty of what position I will have next year while trying to hand over materials to the new special ed teacher. Home improvement issues (I HATE my stained carpet!!) that will have to wait due to lack of $, figuring out when and how step-daughter will come this summer, continued and ongoing stress - or actually lack of any contact - with in laws....
very simple, ordinary stuff. No rage. No passion - just kind of blah...
It's Wednesday. Normally called Hump day - but it is just another day -
I feel blessed overall -
not overly so - not underly (new word!) so -

The Cycles of my Life

I have now experienced the entire life cycle of a chicken bred purely for consumption. Arriving as fat yellow chicks with throbbing butts, watching several die from egg yolk disease, 2 from heart attacks because they are genetically bred to grow so fast, and having 10 come the 4H stock show to choose the best 3 from....all in a short 6 week span. That's right - the chicken we eat goes from hatched egg to table ready in 6 weeks! Isn't that amazing? My egg hens I raise take 6 months before they lay a single egg - and grow so much slower! I wonder if I should take pause at eating a bird that has been selectively bred to gain weight (especially in the breast) so fast - that it's organs and bones can't keep up. These chickens lumber and plop down by the feed and sit to eat. They are fragile and finicky and die easily....they have heart attacks!! And we eat them!! However - I must say - I much prefer eating our own - knowing exactly what they were fed, and how humanely they were raised for their brief existence on this earth. Fresh water and bedding and food - twice a day. Sunlight and air - not darkness and poop!

I must also say....having a neighbor butcher them - outside and not in a factory that sees thousands of birds a day and is cleaned with chemicals - and then prepared and baked the next day.....


Well - it was worth it. I am considering how many chickens we would eat in a 2-3 month period - and just cycling those through our ranch. Start a new batch and in 6 weeks - butcher and put up...have a few weeks off, then get another batch....


No chemicals, no hormones, no ill treatment = great tasting dinner!

If we do incorporate meat chickens to our menagerie....*we already have eggs, venison and beef) - that would leave the final frontier of PORK. I like sausage, bacon and pork chops. I love a good pork tenderloin...but I am not sure about raising our own....I think it is because they are sooo smart! I think it would be like raising a dog and then eating it.....

I truly believe that every meat eating person should be required to go through the process - at least once - of raising and slaughtering and processing their own food. There has been such a distance between people and where their food comes from. Then again - their are some total food snobs out there that put me to shame! I am just saying that I do what I can with what I have - and we can all reach a little higher.

Just sharing a thought.....

Yen and Yang

This is a great picture for my title. My eldest daughter and my husband represent both my greatest challenge and a significant part of my heart. My beloved husband is my best friend, awesome lover, my true partner in this life (and he doesn't even know about this blog - so I'm not blowing smoke!), but he can also be the most frustrating person in my life...next to our firstborn. We are actually trucking right along and doing FANtabulous - no arguing at all. My daughter on the other hand....
You know - I was reading another blog earlier, Thea in Australia, and the blogger had made a checklist of reasons her child was difficult. I could completely relate...and then I read the comments. While most were supportive, there were many completely bashing her. Her child was a result of her parenting, she shouldn't have had children, she was ungrateful for being blessed with ANY children...It made me sick. If you have not had the "joy" of trying to parent a "difficult" child - first off - lucky you. Secondly - shut your FUCKING mouth! For almost 9 years I have researched, scrutinized, medicated, counseled, behavior modified, read, consulted, and cried rivers in my attempt to help myself and my first born. I have limited who I let come by the house for fear of her tantrums being made known to the outside world. As a family of 5, we make conscientious decisions about what and where we go because of her outbursts. She dictates a huge part of our lives and her two younger sisters are deeply affected by it. My middle daughter ALWAYS gives in to her and the 3 year old will tell you "She doesn't like me." And she is right.
Do I love me eldest any less? NO. I tell her all the time that she is super special to me because she was my first and the one who made me a mommy. I would, will, and do anything I can for her. I have not given up. I will continue to learn and try and meet her needs while helping to breach the gaps and disabilities she has in frustration and flexibility. She, like my husband, can make me so happy and can so break my heart. Black and white, Yen and Yang.
So to any and all potential lurkers and posters out there - be careful when you pass judgment on others. You really have no idea what is going on in their lives. Try being supportive or say nothing - why should you want to bring anyone down? Be so thankful that you are not fighting that struggle. Women should support each other - not tear each other down.

Before and After pics

Before and After








Some more afters......




































Soooo - you can decide for yourself, but the bottom line is...I like it.
I am enjoying putting my hair up in a twist. I like straightening it and wearing it down if I want. I like the sporty pony tail that doesn't give me a killer head ache! I like not having black roots show through a week after doing my hair!

My head, my hair...

I like it!

Don't be afraid to make a drastic change - it is JUST hair.

I refuse to be defined by something so trivial.

I am more than my hair....and so are you!