New phone, stitched dog, and camping in my future....

I did it. I finally upgraded myself into the 21st century and got a new cell phone with SOME of the bells and whistles. I bought the Motorola Karma - added texting and internet (read:email and facebook) I am sure I will use the texting - not sure about the email - but I can cancel that app any time. I practiced a few texts last night - and see how much easier it is - and more succint - and less annoying - and the usefulness (read: grocery list for hubby!) Twitter and other "fun" stuff will just have to wait as I acclimate myself to this one baby step at a time.....
On other fronts - my poor cowdog cross/pound puppy was shot by a "neighbor" on Saturday while I was frolicking at Fiesta Texas with my girls, former student, and friends. Seems she and Lucky and Aggie all went across the fence to sniff around at the piles of deer guts they have lying around and he shot her. Thankfully, the bullet sliced her down the side through the muscle - but no internal injuries. He claims he had a problem with a "pack of dogs" chasing deer and cows last year. He was sure he had killed her.
Well - 2 days later - he feel s so bad about it - he is going to pay the vet bills. She has 10 inches of stitches, on antibiotics and pain killers, and will have a visible reminder of her adventure. I am surprised by many reactions in this situation. Surprised he would shoot her, surprised he would pay for the vet bills, and surprised that I really feel no animosity towards him. My dog was on his property. I KNOW she doesn't chase cows or deer - as we have plenty of both and she ignores them. She prefers the challenge of jackrabbits as big as she is! I could have just never seen her againa nd not know what happened to her - so I am thankful. Strange - I know.... I think I will write him a thank you letter, include pictures of my dogs, and send him some cookies (sans chocolate ex-lax!). Quite the improvement in reaction for me!! Seriously though - I have NO way of guaranteeing my dogs will never step foot on his property again without chaining them. We have lived there going on 10 years and have not had a problem - I hope the problem is resolved and communication will involve a phone call instead of a bullet.
And on to the fun stuff - CAMPING. We leave tomorrow for a few days at a state park. My turkeys I raised were TOO big for the fryer (19, 22, 34 and 38 pounds!) - so a store bought bird will go in with all the fixings and trimmings outside in nature. YUM!! I really enjoy the family time and food! Hopefully the hiking and non-stop activity will counter-act the calories! Fall is awesome - and I love a holiday based around being thankful. Thankful I am -

Momma lied

Okay - I love my Mom. However, when I was a kid and would get my feelings hurt or had a friend lie to me or overheard not so nice comments, she would tell me that kids could be mean and it would all be better when I was a grown up. Well, I joke with her about it now and she laughingly replies that she had to say SOMETHING to keep me from slitting my wrists ( I was already a cutter, so she wasn't too far off - but that is another post). The point is that what she said was really not true. IT is not "better" as an adult. I know there are just some people that are more sensitive in this world -and I will quickly raise my hand to admit to being one of them. I am not, nor ever have been, one of those people that pick on someone else to fit into a group. I have always, even as a child, formed my own opinion about people. Perfect? Far from it - I continue to work on forgiveness and compromise. But mean? Never.....
So now the circle has come back around. I am a mother. I have a sensitive child. She doesn't understand when she is left out, made fun of for such terrible things as wearing a dress, or when she has someone act in a down right rude way to her.
Of course, the sisters can be TERRIBLE to each other - but not to other kids. So, me eldest in particular, truly struggles with navigating this world with all the meanness, snubbery, snobbery, and cliques...so what do I do? Do I tell her it will all be better when she is older? I know that is not true, but I do know as I got older I had more CHOICE in who I surrounded myself with. Also, as I've aged, I have seen my circle grow smaller but more intense - with my family buring brightest in the center. All others are shadows behind them....
I believe I will continue to raise my children encouraging kindness to everyone, but instilling a backbone that no one else really matters like family. Perhaps that will stop the sister wars - but maybe not.....
I do know this. I am proud of the type of person I have grown into. I am a good friend, a good wife, a pretty good mom, a good sister, a good daughter, and my skin has thickened. My perspective has changed with the creation and embracing of my family. I hope that I can be that example for my girls. I don't want to see my daughter's face fall when someone shuts the door in her face intentionally. I don't want to rip the head off another adult (a teacher no less), when they react nonchalantly to their child's rude behavior, and I don't want to lie to her about how everyone grows up and becomes a respectful human being. I will be honest with her about how some people have mean hearts and that she should CHOOSE to surround herself with other kind people. I hope to continue to be an example of that for her - and to continue to improve myslef along the way.

Bit of a funk....

Still maintaining a 20 pound loss - and really not sure how as I have pretty much eaten whatever I want for 3 weeks straight! Perhaps some of that muscle I have built is saving me from abject failure and humiliation..... I bought a coke this morning and another teacher said "oh - you are back on those now too?" What the hell? Yes - I am public about my loss, but I really don't want any accountability from anyone! *humph* Okay - so a little public humiliation may be just what I need to see the light and get back on it.....
But I am sad....
and I want to eat....
and drink 1 coke a day....
and watch pointless reality tv instead of exercising...
and smoke.....

Okay - I KNOW - terrible, awful, the worst ever......
and I know that the less exercise I get, the more likely I am to indulge in demon nicotine because the exercise makes me use those damn lungs and decrease stress. Who knew?? SO one limits the other and it all makes sense....
Except for right now.....

I also feel like the worst things that can happen in our dreams are often another's reality - and it is sickening. I used to think I was the only mom in the world that would have terrific nightmares about horrible things happening to my children. Death, abduction, drowning....While not often, there have been a few times I have woken from sleep with a pillow wet from my tears. I have planned funerals in my head, tried to wrap my head around the what ifs...and it is terrible. I will say prayers to get those thoughts out of my head. Begin a mantra of positives and know that we are okay - that I have done and will do everything possible to keep my children safe.
Then tragedy strikes.
A teacher in my school is heading to work with her 3 year old son - her only child - strapped in. A semi crosses the line and hits her. Her only child is killed. She is halo flighted with severe injuries. She survives and has to be told 4 days later that she really has lost her life....and I cry for her. I cry because I can't fathom the loss. I can't fathom drawing in another breath. Yet I have 3 children - I would HAVE to continue for my other children. But if I lost them all? Like the woman on Biggest Loser that lost both children and her husband in a wreck? Maybe I am too sensitive for these sensationally dramatic individuals chosen for these shows - but I watch and then I cry. And then I have the worst possible thought - ever.....
Totally superstitious and selfish and unreasonable -
and ugly -
and just BAD

*whispers*
if that happened to them, then the likelihood of it happening to mine is lessened

Please don't let anything happen to my babies....
And though I don't have favorites - my dreams surround my youngest the most often. Perhaps because she is the baby. Maybe because she is close in age to the little boy that died. Maybe because she is so loved....and my last.

I really mean it this time....

Okay -
so I have been slacking....After a 2 week free for all and a gain of 4 pounds, I have lost small incrmental amounts for the last 2 weeks. I have a 20 pound loss currently, and have not jumped back full fledged into my healthy eating and exercise......
but I have done a few things that have surprised me (and my family - especially children).
After a wonderful Halloween - the massive bags of candy lingered only 2 days before "mysteriously" dissappearing! Before - those over full bowls of chewy, chocolately, sugar over load would have lasted a few weeks for grazing and rewarding and so on....

And my girls were so cute - yay for recycled Ren Fest costumes!!

I love their pose on the canon in our park - AYE MATE!! They were only upset for a bit - but I HAD let them pick 4 pieces and have them....pretty good - I thought.

So now I have this next weekend - and typical of my addict behavior and way of thinking - I know that diet wise, it will not be the best.....

My beloved husband is taking me to see Riverdance, then stay in a hotel - with no CHILDREN. *gasp*
Then go Christmas shopping - and yep, you guessed it - out to eat...a lot....at places that are just not run of the mill around here.....So is Monday really that far away? I have a new secret weapon in my arsenal for that dreaded Monday....A treadmill. No more excuses...

Corsets, pirates, and the ride is over...

Sooooo - check out my corset!! Pretty sexxxy! My middle daughter greatly approved and even stated that I should wear it to school - everyday. Yeah - so she is the fashionista and obviously not impressed with sweat pants and t-shirts. I think hubby looks like the cover of a cheap romance novel - minus the hair blowing in the breeze.. :) We bought the corset there - and I KNOW it enhances the boobage...but had no idea to that extent - I apologize now.....

And here we have the lovely lady pirates and their captive. The Tex Ren Fest is so worth a weekend away - I highly recommend it to anyone with even an ounce of imagination and adventure in their souls. I would love to go back just to people watch - it is a hoot!


For the last pic for this post, my parents and my baby. A nice age sandwich - My oldest and closest relatives and my last baby who is turning 3 in this pic - parents are 62 and 57....and I am a nice 35 right in the middle of it all. In 15 years I will be 50 - holy mother of GOD! Hopefully it will not be a morbidly obese 50....


and that little thought leads into the last part of the title.....the ride is over. AS per my normal M.O., I have been having a BLAST for my birthday(week) and my weight loss stalled, went into reverse, and drove all over my best intentions.... Yep, gained back a few pounds and I am currently at an 18 pound weight loss and trying not to bemoan the lost last few weeks and looking at my awesome www.fridgegraph.com and thinking of where I COULD be if I had kept my head on right.....
So - I am proud of myself for today. I am planning ahead.....thinking logically, and knowing this weekend will be easy - and next weekend will be a test an require planning. You see, my hubby is taking me to see Riverdance (my second time!!), and staying at a hotel (boom chica bow wow) and yes - I am sure - a meal or two out and about........
I can do it -
It is worth it.....

Hello. My name is Shannon and I am an addict.

Yeah....so these were supposed to go at the end of the entry......still learning....
But here are a few pics of me (I am usually behind the lens for obvious reasons!)
In the Bahamas - told you my hubby encourages me to fly my freak flag!


And look below...can you pick me out?? Yes - I am the BIGGEST one on the stage competing in what I thought was a trivia games show...turned out to be a competition for Ms. Sandals Royal Bahamian and consited not of trivia, but booty shaking and chair dances...and yes, I won.....that is another entry, perhaps on fat acceptance, sympathy votes, and maybe even confidence levels.....

We will go again - and I will post side by side before and after pics. It was truly heaven on earth...and I was as big as the moon!

All the reasons why are in this picture....taken July 2009. 15 year old stepdaughter, McKenna is 8, Rhiannon is 6, and Kathrynn is 2. Jeff is 36 and I am 34. I have lost 20 pounds since this pic...and Jeff has lost 28 pounds. Before and after pics will follow when I have some "afters"!

Perception is a powerful thing. I have long perceived myself as an athlete. (NOt sure why....just have) I have often looked at a pair of size 22 pants held out in front of me and thought to myself how HUGE they look, only to put them *snugly* on and think "That doesn't look too bad...." I have acknowledged that I am bigger than most around me, and shrugged it off to being an Amazon - and relishing in it. At 5'9", I do tower over most....however, the fact that I can provide shade for 4 average individuals doesn't often come to the forefront of my brain. I have lived in denial for a loooong time.
It does not help my "condition" that I have a husband that loves every square inch of my body and can make me feel sexy and powerful, even with the lights on. While I am lucky, thus far, to have excellent blood pressure, no problems with sugar levels, and only borderline cholesterol and triglyceride levels - they are just waiting for me I am sure. I need to be honest with myself about my weight and health for the long term. I have a lot to stick around for and stay active with....my three amazing daughters. This is obviously important - and my subconscious is kicking into overtime lately with a string of vivid and heart wrenching dreams. Last nights consisted of being told I had 2 weeks to live and I cried - in my sleep - woke up with tears on my pillow - Dreamed of writing long letters to my daughters that would have to grow up with out their Mom....horrifying and not really able to type more about it as my eyes tear up....
So - back to one of the reasons I am going to write more...accountability.
I am an addict. I love carbs. Pasta, rice, potatoes, enchiladas, fried, greasy, cheesy, doughy stuff...it calls to me all day. I am an intelligent woman with a master's degree and 4.0 GPA to back that up....but stupid when it has come to my own health and that of my family.
I am MORBIDLY obese - and I am changing that. Through a change in lifestyle - not a DIET that has begin and end date. My family has started this change already and we are kicking it up another few notches. I have lost 20 pounds, Jeff 28 pounds, and the girls are visibly changing. We are teaching them "all the time" foods and "once in awhile" foods. We have already kicked ALL sodas out of the house and switched completely to brown rice and WHOLE GRAIN everything else (and that is still in small amounts). My grocery bill is high and we plan a week's worth of menus at a time to allow for the fresh veggies.
I can do this. I must do this. I know how and will make a commitment each and every day to do this....after my birthday! See! I told you - addict behavior!! Oct. 19th will mark my 35th birthday and more than a decade of being MORBIDLY obese. 15 years of being over weight. It is time.....
So...it is beginning of an end. As an addict, I know there is no end - but a journey.

Continuing to practice.....

My best friend and biggest supporter....
My 3rd and last daughter when she was 2 months old.
The Momma bear and her cubs - I am triply blessed!


My engines are revving, my tank is full, I am almost ready for blast off.....
Let me try a few more of these knobs and gadgets and clear my throat..
It's coming people...it is coming self...
break into song
*I can feel it coming in the air tonight.......**