New Year's Post

Yep - it is a new me already. Didn't even wait for January 1st! I was really getting a little old for long, flowing, goldy locks. Besides, it goes with my need for a change - and girls know that sometimes an outward appearance can make a world of difference in changing how you feel. So this is the new me - the beginning of a change. Yes, I have resolutions I am making. Yes - my diet and exercise (or actual lack of any) is one of the things I wish to change. However, that is not the only thing I am going to hold myself accountable for. I think I will make a list now and revisit in June to take stock. While weightloss will be high on my list, there are several other "must do's" that have been rambling in the back of my mind - just not getting done. So....I will write them here and see if they get done, or closer to done, or started......

So - for 2010 -

Drum roll please......

By the end of June - I will.........

* Write. Not just my blog, which I haven't done a great job of yet - but I do feel like I am warming up. No, I mean write, as in my novel. Meagan has got to get out of my head and on paper...even if I butcher her and wrap her in it!!

*Blog AT LEAST once a week - even if it is a blurb. I follow so many blogs - and I feel so sad when they don't update, and so happy when they do - so I will do my part. I will also try and leave a comment on blogs I visit, as I also know that mysterious lurkers (while appreciated for the number on my little counter) need to say "hi" once in awhile......

* I will weigh....OMG - I can't believe I am going to post a number....250 come June. See - only need to lose 5 pounds- I can do it! *snicker* Okay - so it is more than 5 pounds - but I am not brave enough to post it - yet....I will - it is just a number, but by God, it is a BIG number.....

* Exercise -4 times a week for at least a half hour each time. This can be dancing, treadmill, family walk. Anything - as long as it is a conscious effort to move my buttocks. I have the shoes - no excuses.....

* Each week, I will make time to just PLAY with my girls. I do play, I do chase and tickle, I do so love them....but I feel like I get them set up with an activity, then bail to clean or put up or - oh I don't know - go to the bathroom! - and leave them to play without me. Or at least without me fully present. I hate that. They won't remember how clean the house was when they leave or think back on their time with me. They will remember Mom sitting IN their sheet tents in the living room. The plays we make with the stuffed animals. Charades. boardgames. I want to be a better Mom - in a measurable way. So my resolution is one hour a week of strictly play time. No phone interruptions. No cleaning or picking up. Just a play time.

* Indiviudual time - this is a biggy. With 3 daughters, sometimes it is hard to just get the neccessities done. I have them for such a short amount of time, and I love each one sooo much. I will do an activity - one one one - with each child, each week. It could be a walk, a bubble bath, story time, cooking time, something with just one of them. Then I will also do something extraordinary for my beloved husband. At least once a week, I will show him, in some way, how special he is to me. A love note in his truck. An extra special meal. Clip his toemails...okay, I will stop there. NO need to get too intimate. But with the disentegration of so many marriages around me, I want him to know how special he is to me. I know that if we are strong together, our family as a whole will be strong. I can't let daily life take away from what created this family - our love.

So that is my list. I decided to take the numbers off because I do not think they should be ranked, but taken as a whole. They are all good resolutions - and I beleive attainable and measurable. Let's check back in 6 months -

I may very well repost this at the end of June with an update.....

Until then - Happy New Year -

Be the Best you can be and be kind!

Pooh and Poo!

My sister in law was cleaning out some toys and asked if Kat would like this giant Pooh - I said sure...and a love affair was born....My baby carries this thing around with her everywhere...to sleep, she puts a seatbelt on it in the car, and takes it to school (this is still cool as she is 3!)
Who knew she would love Pooh - as I have not read any Pooh stories to her or watched Pooh movies..but love him she does!





I will have to say that she is a bit bemused by his name. Pooh. You see, we are in the middle of "poo" potty training. My child pees like a champ - stays dry all day and half the night - but poo? A whole other story...So maybe this will lead into some poos on the potty.....












And here we are at the Christmas party last Saturday. A handsome couple if I do say so myself. We won't discuss the fact that he has lost over 50 pounds while I HAD lost over 20 and am maintaining at 14 pounds....for now....uuuggghhh!









and for the real "poo" part - we are irritated with each other as of this moment. Not end of the hunt, deal breaker kind of stuff - more like hurt feelings (mine) and an inability to apologize (his) and throw in holiday stress and 18,000 in credit card debt - well you get the picture....
I do know this. Without him, my family would not exist. Because of him, I have more than I ever dreamed if. Because of him, I am thankful for God's blessings and I will take deep breaths and let my feelings heal and move on. Because of him, I really am happy and am reminded over and over in my daily interactions with other women how lucky I truly am. So what if he opened a bath robe I had set aside as a gift for a needy family "just to try it out" - and then got PISSED when I questioned him about it...see? Silly! I am not hunting for him in the bars or struggling to feed my children, or hit, or feel unloved....Communication will be something we will work on for the rest of my life. At least I do not worry about if he is leaving - for good. I do not worry if I will make him so mad he will go. I am blessed and thankful and in love.

A weekend in review

I can not drink. Hubby had a Christmas party for his job on Saturday night - it used to be a Big Deal in Galveston at Moody Gardens, catered, entertainment, hotel rooms, big gifts, $500.00 gift cards for the wives....
This year was better - in my opinion. Local, good food, DJ and karaoke, $500.00 gift card for the wives, and it was the people you hung out with at the bigger party - with no LONG drive home...
I had my hair and make up done - I will have to post a pic later. I wish I had taken a pic of the back of my hair - it looked like spiraled ribbons - soooo pretty.
Anyway - hubby drank beer like a fish in water - and I had 3 wine coolers over 6 hours.....made me happy, but not drunk.....
Now, Friday we had dinner at a friend's house, home and in bed around 1:00 a.m., kids never sleep in, had to go to a bake sale at 9:00 Saturday morning, then off to town around 1:00 with some running around for the party. Party started at 6:30 p.m. and we left about 12:30. It took us a little longer than normal to get home as hubby needed..ummmmm....pit stops. Several of them. And not to pee. GROSS! So - I crawled into bed around 2:00 - Dad had to magistrate in the morning, so the kiddos were dropped off at 8:09a.m. ugggh - I am so thankful they kept them overnight - but I can't say I was thrilled....
So in they came and my head ache started......off to church we went. In Hubby's truck - because my needed to be hosed down.....*gross* Had a great Sunday school, but the babysitter did not show....and since I have 3 children, I volunteered to stay in the nursery with our lovely 94 year old helper. Only one other child stayed in the nursery - and she is severely disabled and in a wheel chair. So I spent 45 minutes "baby sitting" my own children. Left church ran home, at, left with sister in law to go get McKenna"s #1 Christmas present - a ball python and cage. Then went and did some shopping for the family I am sponsoring for Christmas. Got home at about 7:00 p.m. House is a mess, my head still hurts, I don't drink!!!!

Post Thanksgiving Update - some realizations....

Thanksgiving went well - I have not even dared to step on the scale. It went REALLY well as far as the food - maybe not so well as far as my waist line.... Some interesting realizations occurred over the holidays...
I am soooo not the favorite child in my in=laws eyes. My children hold no comparison to their little male cousin. He is awfully darn cute..but it was hard to swallow that he could do no wrong and mine were irritating. It was a bit tough to accept that he was constantly in their camper and being praised and gushed over while mine were on the side lines. It was not so fun to see my sister in law catered to while I was second fiddle - but I can take it. I just hurt for my kiddos. As they grow older - they will become aware of it. I remember feeling left out when my grandparents took my cousins places and not me. I remember feeling unwanted, not as loved, and flat out rejected at times. But I am so fortunate -and so are my kiddos. You see, I am the golden child in my family. Yes, I have a brother. However, his extra chromosome make competition just seem so unnecessary (at least as an adult!) In MY family - my 3 daughters are GODDESSES and I am the one and only. The perfect one. I am praised, complimented, supported and cherished. So I am fine - and my girls will be too. They have okay parents and an awesome Nana and Oppie. We will survive and be just fine - just had to sulk for a minute....

And in other news.....I watched my parents revert back to teenagers when their high school friends showed up this weekend. I ran up for a quick observation of sheer goofiness. Singing songs and playing guitars. Inebriation and flirtation. Taking a trip down memory lane and saying prayers of thankfulness at the course their lives took - and relishing in the reunification of long, lost lovers was something to behold. I also have to admit that witnessing such similar and familiar interactions is a little......unsettling yet reassuring. My parents are people. Do you hear that? Not perfect, stoic, matriarchs and patriarchs - but goofy, silly, fallible people. And while I enjoy seeing them so loose and fun - it is a bit strange sometimes and I have to remind myself that my children will see me through simialr eyes at some point. Right now I am omnipotent and (hopefully) on a platform surrounded by mysterious knowledge far beyond their comprehension. I still didn't understand mortgage rates and APR at 21 - or 401k's or the finer requiremnts of maintaing a budget - but now I know....and I know we are all just humans.
So in summary - great holiday. Experiences makes us what and who we are - and I like what I am doing and who I am becoming. Not perfect - but my lenses keep changing....

New phone, stitched dog, and camping in my future....

I did it. I finally upgraded myself into the 21st century and got a new cell phone with SOME of the bells and whistles. I bought the Motorola Karma - added texting and internet (read:email and facebook) I am sure I will use the texting - not sure about the email - but I can cancel that app any time. I practiced a few texts last night - and see how much easier it is - and more succint - and less annoying - and the usefulness (read: grocery list for hubby!) Twitter and other "fun" stuff will just have to wait as I acclimate myself to this one baby step at a time.....
On other fronts - my poor cowdog cross/pound puppy was shot by a "neighbor" on Saturday while I was frolicking at Fiesta Texas with my girls, former student, and friends. Seems she and Lucky and Aggie all went across the fence to sniff around at the piles of deer guts they have lying around and he shot her. Thankfully, the bullet sliced her down the side through the muscle - but no internal injuries. He claims he had a problem with a "pack of dogs" chasing deer and cows last year. He was sure he had killed her.
Well - 2 days later - he feel s so bad about it - he is going to pay the vet bills. She has 10 inches of stitches, on antibiotics and pain killers, and will have a visible reminder of her adventure. I am surprised by many reactions in this situation. Surprised he would shoot her, surprised he would pay for the vet bills, and surprised that I really feel no animosity towards him. My dog was on his property. I KNOW she doesn't chase cows or deer - as we have plenty of both and she ignores them. She prefers the challenge of jackrabbits as big as she is! I could have just never seen her againa nd not know what happened to her - so I am thankful. Strange - I know.... I think I will write him a thank you letter, include pictures of my dogs, and send him some cookies (sans chocolate ex-lax!). Quite the improvement in reaction for me!! Seriously though - I have NO way of guaranteeing my dogs will never step foot on his property again without chaining them. We have lived there going on 10 years and have not had a problem - I hope the problem is resolved and communication will involve a phone call instead of a bullet.
And on to the fun stuff - CAMPING. We leave tomorrow for a few days at a state park. My turkeys I raised were TOO big for the fryer (19, 22, 34 and 38 pounds!) - so a store bought bird will go in with all the fixings and trimmings outside in nature. YUM!! I really enjoy the family time and food! Hopefully the hiking and non-stop activity will counter-act the calories! Fall is awesome - and I love a holiday based around being thankful. Thankful I am -

Momma lied

Okay - I love my Mom. However, when I was a kid and would get my feelings hurt or had a friend lie to me or overheard not so nice comments, she would tell me that kids could be mean and it would all be better when I was a grown up. Well, I joke with her about it now and she laughingly replies that she had to say SOMETHING to keep me from slitting my wrists ( I was already a cutter, so she wasn't too far off - but that is another post). The point is that what she said was really not true. IT is not "better" as an adult. I know there are just some people that are more sensitive in this world -and I will quickly raise my hand to admit to being one of them. I am not, nor ever have been, one of those people that pick on someone else to fit into a group. I have always, even as a child, formed my own opinion about people. Perfect? Far from it - I continue to work on forgiveness and compromise. But mean? Never.....
So now the circle has come back around. I am a mother. I have a sensitive child. She doesn't understand when she is left out, made fun of for such terrible things as wearing a dress, or when she has someone act in a down right rude way to her.
Of course, the sisters can be TERRIBLE to each other - but not to other kids. So, me eldest in particular, truly struggles with navigating this world with all the meanness, snubbery, snobbery, and cliques...so what do I do? Do I tell her it will all be better when she is older? I know that is not true, but I do know as I got older I had more CHOICE in who I surrounded myself with. Also, as I've aged, I have seen my circle grow smaller but more intense - with my family buring brightest in the center. All others are shadows behind them....
I believe I will continue to raise my children encouraging kindness to everyone, but instilling a backbone that no one else really matters like family. Perhaps that will stop the sister wars - but maybe not.....
I do know this. I am proud of the type of person I have grown into. I am a good friend, a good wife, a pretty good mom, a good sister, a good daughter, and my skin has thickened. My perspective has changed with the creation and embracing of my family. I hope that I can be that example for my girls. I don't want to see my daughter's face fall when someone shuts the door in her face intentionally. I don't want to rip the head off another adult (a teacher no less), when they react nonchalantly to their child's rude behavior, and I don't want to lie to her about how everyone grows up and becomes a respectful human being. I will be honest with her about how some people have mean hearts and that she should CHOOSE to surround herself with other kind people. I hope to continue to be an example of that for her - and to continue to improve myslef along the way.

Bit of a funk....

Still maintaining a 20 pound loss - and really not sure how as I have pretty much eaten whatever I want for 3 weeks straight! Perhaps some of that muscle I have built is saving me from abject failure and humiliation..... I bought a coke this morning and another teacher said "oh - you are back on those now too?" What the hell? Yes - I am public about my loss, but I really don't want any accountability from anyone! *humph* Okay - so a little public humiliation may be just what I need to see the light and get back on it.....
But I am sad....
and I want to eat....
and drink 1 coke a day....
and watch pointless reality tv instead of exercising...
and smoke.....

Okay - I KNOW - terrible, awful, the worst ever......
and I know that the less exercise I get, the more likely I am to indulge in demon nicotine because the exercise makes me use those damn lungs and decrease stress. Who knew?? SO one limits the other and it all makes sense....
Except for right now.....

I also feel like the worst things that can happen in our dreams are often another's reality - and it is sickening. I used to think I was the only mom in the world that would have terrific nightmares about horrible things happening to my children. Death, abduction, drowning....While not often, there have been a few times I have woken from sleep with a pillow wet from my tears. I have planned funerals in my head, tried to wrap my head around the what ifs...and it is terrible. I will say prayers to get those thoughts out of my head. Begin a mantra of positives and know that we are okay - that I have done and will do everything possible to keep my children safe.
Then tragedy strikes.
A teacher in my school is heading to work with her 3 year old son - her only child - strapped in. A semi crosses the line and hits her. Her only child is killed. She is halo flighted with severe injuries. She survives and has to be told 4 days later that she really has lost her life....and I cry for her. I cry because I can't fathom the loss. I can't fathom drawing in another breath. Yet I have 3 children - I would HAVE to continue for my other children. But if I lost them all? Like the woman on Biggest Loser that lost both children and her husband in a wreck? Maybe I am too sensitive for these sensationally dramatic individuals chosen for these shows - but I watch and then I cry. And then I have the worst possible thought - ever.....
Totally superstitious and selfish and unreasonable -
and ugly -
and just BAD

*whispers*
if that happened to them, then the likelihood of it happening to mine is lessened

Please don't let anything happen to my babies....
And though I don't have favorites - my dreams surround my youngest the most often. Perhaps because she is the baby. Maybe because she is close in age to the little boy that died. Maybe because she is so loved....and my last.