I always said I would be an author one day..

Waning Woman: Contact Me!

2012-02-08T09:06:00.000-08:00

Waning Woman: Contact Me!: You can reach me via Facebook , Twitter , or on my email, waningwoman at gmail.com. I am fluent in smoke signal interpretation, too.

95% and counting.....

2012-01-22T07:41:00.000-08:00

I am in month 4 of my "medically supervised diet" required by my insurance to have weight loss surgery. Only other requirement is an ultrasound of my gall bladder as I get closer to the date I pick for surgery. If it looks susceptible to gall stones, they will remove it at the same time as the surgery as gall stones plague weight loss surgery patients.
Of the Supervised diet...it is a joke. My family doctor is awesome - like her a lot....but all she does is recommend a 1500 calorie diet and exercise...duh!! If I could stick to that I would! On the brighter side, I signed up for the biggest loser competition at my school and they put us in teams....THAT makes for some accountability and I lost 5 pounds in the first week....it is 8 weeks long so it coincides with the end of the "supervised" one - so maybe I won't hang my head in shame as I step on the scale at the end of this month. Of course, I have lost 1,000 pounds - the same 20-30 over and over! I even lost 50 once on the Atkin's...only to get pregnant and gain it all back, plus some.

SO - I am 95% sure I am going to have this surgery in June....3rd or 4th week of June. Then I will have the rest of the summer to normalize to my new eating. I weighed the timing heavily...and am still worried about depriving my children of fun filled summer days - but I have an excellent support system. I even shared with my other teacher's on my team that I was thinking about it, and they were super supportive, and one of them even shared that her best friend was having the surgery over spring break. Geesh - the stigma and fear of putting that info out there was bothering me more than I thought. It's not like they haven't seen the size of my arse going doing down the halls every day!! :)

SO I am trucking on, lots going on in my daily life. Finishing up Dave Ramsey's 13 week Financial Peace University this coming Tuesday with my husband....it has had some rough patches, but overall has really changed how we view our money. It has been a huge blessing to our family.

I am not smoking (fell off the wagon for a few days with Hubby's 40th birthday bash), but feel really good about that! Am trying to really spend quality time with family members - even gave my Dad a birthday card filled with activities for us to do together instead of the traditional Amazon gift card.

All is well in my life, looking forward to changes in my body......

More appointments..

2011-10-08T19:26:00.000-07:00

This last Thursday was a trifecta towards bariatric surgery. I took the required 2 hour nutrition class geared towards idiots to explain cars, protein and fat. She also discussed the post surgery diet and amounts. BLAH BLAH BLAH. She did however throw in a pun only I caught....she gave some info and said "go ahead and ruminate on that" I about fell out of my chair. Did she just call us cows??

Then I had a few hours before my meet and greet with the shrink - so I grabbed a taco and went and had a pedicure. Then to the psyche eval I went. Basically, as long as you are not bulimic, bi-polar, or under a severe life change, you can qualify. It was kind of nice to talk to her though, because she was 63 and had a gastric bypass 3 years ago. She was very down to earth and funny.

Then I went with the technician for a pre-pic. I asked why now, when I wouldn't even be eligible for surgery until March and that I probably wouldn't even do it until June - but we had fun with it. First I smiled and threw up a peace sign, but then a light clicked. I told her I should be there next billboard model and you always pose in horrible clothes and no makeup for the "before" pic - then have a total make over in a year or two! We laughed and laughed, and then she told me how beautiful I already was and how gorgeous I would be after. The she floored and me and in a serious voice, told me they would LOVE to have me in their advertisements. Made me feel good. Then I find out she is the Doctor's wife - too funny.
I meet with the doctor and go over my blood work. Lipids high, Cholesterol high - but the worst was the diabetes marker. If you are over 6.3 on your ACI, you are diabetic. Below - you are not. I am AT 6.3!! SCARY! Long story short, I have the choice of bypass or sleeve. He told me the pros and cons - and the sleeve is definitely less invasive. Removal of part of the stomach is not only a simpler surgery, but also eliminates the issues of malnourishment or major deficiencies like the bypass. The other difference is an issue of pounds. He says the sleeve will basically help me drop 100 pounds and the bypass would help me lose 125 pounds.... Geesh. What a dilemma....

That's where I am now.....5 more months of a medically supervised diet to qualify, then all systems go....
We shall see......

First Visit Done

2011-10-02T06:22:00.000-07:00

I had my first of 6 visits for the medically supervised diets I am required by my insurance company to undertake prior to their approval of surgery. I went in really hoping they might offer some type of advice or eating plan that I could try and be successful with. Nope. Basically it was a weight and height check. I am 5 foot 9 inches (apparently I have lost an entire inch since highschool and 3 children) and according to their scale - I am at 303 pounds. I need to quit hiding this number. It is just me weight - not all of who I am. My scale at home said 298 - I don't know why that seems so much better....
Anyway - the next 10 minutes were basically asking what I eat and informing me of items I should steer away from. Next THursday will be my BIG day - I meet with a nutritionist, have my psych eval, and meet with the actual Dr. that will do the surgery. The fact that I do not have diabetes or high blood pressure means the sleeve will probably be best for me, and I am glad. While it is still quite an invasive surgery, the fact that my intestines would not have to be re-routed is more appealing.
So I have gone walking a few times, drink nothing but water, and am reading other's success stories about the sleeve. Youtube has provides lots of encouragement as well - it is really amazing the transformation some women have undergone. Also seeing my friends Kim and Kayce is helpful. They do not appear miserable and both tell me it is the best thing they have ever done. They are half the women they used to be, and more active than ever.
I want that.

Taking steps, closer to the edge

2011-09-04T07:15:00.000-07:00

I did it. I have made the appointments that are carrying me closer to surgery. My insurance requires 6 months of a medically supervised diet - and I am actually looking forward to it. I mean - if that will work - GREAT! I start with them Sept. 27th. I will also have blood, lab work done. On Oct. 6th, I will do my 2 hour required meeting with a nutritionist (I figured that would be good timing with a diet), then my hour long meeting with a psychiatrist, that will lead into my meeting with a surgeon to discuss my options.

After that appointment, I will continue with monthly meetings for the supervised diet, and sometime in March (end of the 6 months), I will be making the decision on whether or not to have bariatric surgery. I know that I think I am leaning towards the gastric sleeve - where they cut out the majority of your stomach. It seems to scare me less than re-routing your guts in a bypass or having a foreign object (the band) in me. We shall see........

The Time

2011-08-28T07:10:00.000-07:00

It is time to face the music. I feel like an addict that has hit rock bottom and can no longer live in denial. It is time to quit beating myself up and feeling like a failure when it comes to my weight. I truly feel like I have an addiction and must reach out for help. I am looking at Bariatric surgery.
I have been considering this option for years as I have watched many around me make this same decision. I keep trying to do it on my own with little or no success. Most recently, I have watched my dear friend Kim and another friend Kayce regain their lives through gastric bypass and the gastric sleeve. I am ready to join them in their success.

My biggest obstacle is not even my pride...it is fear. Fear of complications and even death. I have so much to live for. My beautiful daughters.....I don't want to die in an attempt to be thin. Having a fat mom is better than having no mom. But I am beginning to see they don't have the greatest mom I can be. My knees hurt so bad. I am tired. I don't fit on the rides and what health problems are waiting around the bend for me?

I am planning on meeting with the doctors in the next few weeks and getting the facts from their mouths. I have read and read and read online all the facts I can find and even blogs that include successes and horror stories. My family is super supportive of me, and I am finally to the point where I think I am ready to take this step.

I have a 10, 8 and 4 year old. I don't want to die. I want to be the best I can be for them. I want to live the second half of my life as active as possible and not be hindered by my size. I can't so it on my own. I need help. This blog will become my weight loss journal. It has been so many things.....and now this.

Pray for me.

20 pounds gone!

2011-02-12T15:07:00.000-08:00

I had a great blog post - spent some time on it, saved it to the computer...and it won't let me copy and paste!! I can no longer access this blog at school (apparently there are too many PORN sites on it) so I have to do it at home.....smarty pants me thought "Well, no problem - I can still type by entry, email it to myself, and copy and paste it." Wellll......doesn't work. I can copy and/or cut it - but the paste option won't highlight. AAAAHHHH! Needless to say - in a nutshell. The last 4 weeks have been a nealthy start...no smoking - no binging - eating low carb and healthy. Exercising. Proud of myslef. 4 weeks!!! WooooHoooo! I will try to post more later...

Can you see the difference??

Another false start??

2010-11-21T07:43:00.000-08:00

My desk top computer has died. My school's firewall prevents me from going to this site due to "some" pornagraphic images posted by other bloggers. I am at the mercy of my husband's work laptop to even access this blog - and that does not bode well for any regularity in posting.. Of course, I haven't been as regular as I would like.....

So - I am working on some accountability for myself. I am so tired of being fat. I am so tired of smoking. I am tired of being unhealthy when I have so much to live for and do. My three daughters deserve so much more than I give them sometimes....Some of our favorite times together actually (get ready for this) involve outside activities that actually burn calories! *gasp* - I know!!! Amazing!

Changes with Hubby's job are going to cause us to be even stricter with our finances - hence more outside/recreational time will be utilized since a $75.00 run to the movies will be rare (tickets ans snacks for a family of 5 are not CHEAP!)

So tomorrow - a patch will go on my arm and I plan on taking a walk after school. With the girls. And I don't care that Thanksgiving is Thursday and why start now....because I KNOW that SOMETHING will ALWAYS be coming up - there will never be a good time to start or stop anything. Life isn't static - and my chaoices are the only thing I CAN make constant.

I am really looking forward to some changes in me.

I will hold myself accountable.

Look for more...later.

In the wings...waiting.

2010-09-26T11:53:00.000-07:00

My home computer is on it's last leg. One too many viruses, it's 7 years old, the dust, the children! Pick one of the previous for a reason as to why it is always locking up, losing volume, shutting down, going to safe mode - whatever!! Then, blogspot was placed on the "no no" list at school, so I can't stay after to update - and there ya have me. I am hoping to get a new computer at Christmas...and perhaps I will be better at blogging then. Or not.....

Weight wise - same -
But the visit with the dietician was good. I have cut sodas out - no one in the family has them - even if we go out for dinner. Low fat and light products have appeared in the fridge and pantry - and tons of fresh fruit is always around. I think we are slowly making a difference. Next to tackle...actual, scheduled, regular exercise - for all of us!

Work is well...I am so busy! Love teaching math - so much fun!

Realtionships - well, at work - different. Good with team - not so good with admin...because they are crazy. Seriously.

Home life - pretty good. You know you have it alright when you go with your girlfirend to watch Eat,Love, Pray - and she is sobbing and you are thinking - "what's the big deal?"

My girls are growing so fast...I am striving every day to be a better mom. I catch myself putting off their requests to play because I have to get the kitchen done, or laundry put up, or whatever....and I hate myself for it.... I am working on it.

Until I get a better computer - this is probably it for awhile....
Ciao.

Some improvement....

2010-08-10T14:59:00.000-07:00

Summer is coming to an end - and I am almost relieved to get back into a routine. I am one of those people that need structure. Being a housewife/stay at home mom was never high on my list, and while being a teacher allows me the best of both worlds(read:home when my kids are home) the end of summer always confirms my chosen path in this life. We have had numerous beach trips, day trips to Sea World, the zoo, lots of movies and camping on the Sabinal river...I am ready to not "plan" my children's entertainment and get back on track. I eat better and generally feel better (the last 2 weeks of summer vacation are much like the last 2 weeks of pregnancy - you are just ready to get it over with!) with said structure and routine. I feel like all I did yesterday was yell at my girls. Not fun for me and I am sure not fun for them. Tonight, I am taking my eldest (9 years old) to go fishing on a pier late at night and crash in a dive motel. She is sooo excited for our grand adventure - and I am looking forward to indulging in my favorite, yet hardly ever indulged in pastime, FISHING! She loves it as much as me - and I am trying really hard to get one on one activities in with all 3 girls. My 7 year old goes 4 wheelin' with her dad as the baby is too young and the 9 year old could care less - so this works.
School clothes and supplies are all bought and I have a few days left to work in my classroom - would be none, but I have been moved to teach 4th grade math....because it is a needy group and I build good relationships with students.....yeah me! I am soooo good with everyone else's children, wish I was as good with my own.
I have been validated by my close girlfriends and let go of some drama inducing, unhealthy ones....feels like a load off! My best friend may be moving down this way...will know more after this Wednesday. I have fallen completely in love with a new blog www.thepioneerwomna.com and have done some reading and no writing except for this poor little neglected blog.
Hubby and I have written out a new budget. Amazing where $6,000 take home a month goes....terrible. Really.
I wish I was more focused and dedicated to writing here. These long jaunts make my entries entirely too scattered. Perhaps soon I will pick just one topic to expound upon. Until then, I feel like this is just a place holder fo me until the next time I can find a few spare minutes to write....

Is summer almost over??

2010-08-02T19:20:00.000-07:00

We spent time at the beach. We went to SeaWorld. We camped in our RV. We went chopping, swimming, to the Zoo and to West Texas....have one last trip to the Frio and then school will start. My 15 year old step daughter came down and reinforced my beliefs that I am SOOO not ready for a teenager. Especially a feamale teenager. I am reminded as to why some animals eat their young....

My best friend is moving down to my town - from the big city.....I think she may have culture shock.. No Starbucks around here baby. I am stoked - she has dropped like 70 pounds in under a year - and I will have an exercise partner,....and my best friend to hang with. EXCITING.

I am working on my classroom - going to teach math this year. *crickets*

yeah - I know. I will have to figure out a way to get some creativity into that curriculum.

My weight - terrible.

Next step - meeting with a registered dietitan with my 2 eldest daughters on Wednesday. I have a mAster degree. I am smart. Apparently not about food. I am so screwed up - and I don't want my kids to be. $50.00 for once a month, educational and accountability all rolled into one neat little hour? Sign me up.

This wasn't an advertised service.

I had to call around and ask for it.

Strange - huh?

Will know more then.

Until then - I am continuing to wokr on STAYING positive. I wuit taking Welbutrin due to splitting headaches. I am not feeling the desire to go try something else.l

I think it is now.....

2010-06-28T06:54:00.001-07:00

I am in a pretty good spot right now. I am coming off of a totally self destructive path of literally "feeding" the infant in me - what I want, when I want, how much I want - talking about food here! It is as if I was psyching my self up for a diet, and my juvenile mind was taking over and tantrumming "I don't want to!" - so I was giving in and eating everything and anything I wanted. Honestly, most of it wasn't even that great. Of course, the really good stuff I ate way to much of. Well, let's just say the scale was beginning to reflect that...and there are not many numbers that terrify me - but nearing 300 pounds is one way to get my attention! I don't know why 287 seems so acceptable -but 297 is not! I find myself so unbeliebvable at times....

This brings me to the seemingly unrelated pics above. One is at our HillBilly House party - hence the pig tails and gingham shirt - and the other is Havasu Falls. The party pic - I was having a blast, but felt SO huge! Could be the checkered tablecloth of a shirt I was wearing, the constant sweating in the 100' weather, the fact that I was the BIGGEST person there (not to mention the biggest person on my campus where I work, in my social circle, at my high school reunion...the list goes on and on..) Honestly, I think part of my acceptance of myself concerning my size is that I have always been an Amazon among my peers. At 5'10'', I am pretty damn big - no two ways about it. I have been large built my whole life - but I really do think I was more athletic in highschool - not fat. Well, there is no doubt now...

Anyway - the other pic. I am a water baby. I LOVE the water. Unfortunatley, that generally requires a significant reduction in clothing to enjoy - and when I went to the Bahamas - fat be damned, I jumped in my expensive (because a $150 suit makes me look better!) one piece and hopped in. Yes - biggest one around - and what?? But the falls you see in this pic.... to get to them requires a certain level of fitness. I am talking a 10 mile hike to an Indain Village , then another 2 miles to geth there. Of course, you COULD take a Helicopter in to the village and only hike the 2 miles, but they have a 250 pound per passenger weight limit - or you have to pay for 2 people (how mortifying!) You can also get there on horseback (those poor horses - I refuse to even ride a Morgan at this size!) or the use of pack mules to carry your stuff. Either way, I doubt many 287 pounders have expereinced the nirvana these travertine falls offer.

So long rambling to a close...those falls are my goal. The weight loss will be a by product of that goal. Yes - I know I have a significant amount of weight to lose. Surgery still terrifies me. I want a level of health that will coorelate to the activities I want to particiapte in. My body will fall in line with that. My new Saucony tennis shoes from Amazon.com (I wear a size 11 - hard to come by in a store!) should be here in a day or two. I ate a healthy breakfast today and am planning my lunch and dinner. I have a kettle bell to start some kind of weight resistance, a tread mill at my disposal, numerous work out dvds, 3 children and a supportive husband all waiting for anything I throw at them! Oh - and a pool membership, and friends that go to gyms, and parents that will help me in any way....

I am so lucky.

I just can't wallow anymore....

2010-06-01T05:30:00.000-07:00

Okay - I am getting over it. Of course -in the course of getting over it I have made some very interesting revelations about myself as well as catching a glimpse of how other people see me. None of which were really great....

1st) People, people close to me, view me as bitter, angry, mad, upset. Funny thing is, I only view myself that way...SOME of the time. And only lately at that. I remember last summer a girlfriend bemoaning some error her husband had made, and I was a good listener - and she commented that I NEVER complained about my husband. My - how times can change..... Then the daughter of a friend was visiting and said " Smile - I haven't seen you smile since I have been here..."

2nd) As I spiraled into almost rage at the absence of my husband over a holiday weekend while I was home with OUR 3 kids and a semi-functioning vehicle, I came to the realization that I have no desire to be a single parent. Right - no divorce in my future. Everyone can breathe a sigh of relief before I slap you across the face with this fact....
If I was to get divorced, I don't think I would want primary custody of my children. At least not right now. I just don't think I could do it. Of course - with his job - he couldn't either - so there you go. I do love my husband - and I believe he loves me - but man, our communication has got to improve. That - or we just may be battling it out in front of a judge...deciding who WILL take the kids!

3rd) I may just be a little crazy. I had a moment where I was crying, talking to my husband about feeling abandoned..and one huge tear formed over my eye, spilled over the edge, and a strange sense of clarity arrived at about the time the last of the moisture was pulled from my lens...literally, it was like sadness gathered in that droplet and left my body. I sat up, washed my face, and just decided I was not going to cry any more. Now don't get me wrong - my eyes still prickle with tears at asinine reasons, but the waterfalls are stopped - for now.

So overall, I am working at not being such a bitch, smiling more, loving my kiddos more, and communicating better. Yeah - summer here I come. Not sure how much pretend play I am going to be able to handle - but I do well with beach trips. Yes - lots and lots of beach trips...

Damn - that means swimsuits for me.....uuugghhh - another post another day.

How do you see yourself?

2010-05-21T11:47:00.000-07:00

I know that this is a kind of funny picture. It is obviously not how I look (you can see my profile pic to the right) - but do you ever feel like this? Do you ever wonder how others see you? I definitely have parts of my body that I do not like, and I am sure I see some of my parts in a much better light than viewed by others. How did we ever get to the point that so much emphasis was placed on appearance anyway?
Are you judgmental of someone if you feel their appearance is self-imposed? A fat person has no self control, they did it to themselves, they are lazy. What about people/children with birth defects? Do you view them with pity and cast a suspicious glance at their mother and wonder what she did? Do you even give a person with burn scars a chance and try to get to know them or do you turn away, not make eye contact, and walk away?
I am not perfect. Not in a physical sense, emotional, spiritual, financial sense - not in any way at all. I can hold grudges, gossip, binge eat, over spend, not go to church - you name it, I am probably guilty of it....
but I do think I have one silver lining that shines through. I have one personal attribute that I AM proud of and while it is not one that is openly commended in public or even really discussed, I am proud of myself for it. I do not look at anybody's physical self and make a split second decision about them. This is not something I was born doing - in fact, quite the opposite. I almost wonder if we are geared (through media and peers) TO judge others at first sight very early in our lives. Societal pressure is a BITCH! However, over the years...through my own personal evolvement, I no longer do that. I do a lot of other stupid, hurtful, idiotic things - but not that. No human being is invisible to me. I meet the eyes of the person in wheel chair, talk to the mother with the 3 year old with Down's Syndrome I see at the grocery store, I hug the child at my school that drools. No one is perfect. No one should be invisible. No one should be judged by their appearance. It is shocking how often I see it happen in public and at schools. Take a look around - and embrace every soul on this Earth with the compassion human beings are capable of.

A Therapeutic Post

2010-05-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

Behind Blue Eyes

2010-05-19T05:33:00.000-07:00

I am 10 days without smoking and 10 days with 150 mg of Wellbutrin. Overall, I would say the meds must be helping some as I have not killed anyone..yet. I still find myself in a foul mood - and of course, it is my mother who has born the brunt of that. It is almost like an out of body experience when I am lashing out at her. I see it happening, I want to stop, but I don't...then I call her and apologize and feel so fortunate that she is so forgiving...with me anyway.
Something else I have come to terms with...all the feelings of isolation, the stinkin' thinkin' about myself and relations with others, feeling like I am on the outside looking in - well guess what? I am not alone in this. I have always like the song "Behind Blue Eyes" - by The Who. No one knows what it's like...behind blue eyes...
because I felt it described some of my feelings. The wonders of blogland have opened these blue eyes to sooo much. There ARE others like me, that are sensitive to some of the most insignificant social nuances. There are others out there with difficult children. There are others out there that just feel like they THINK differently than the masses. There are others that view eating, food, weight, family, jobs, and friendships like me..and they like to write like I do. Granted, many are much more fluent and prolific than I am, but I am here. And so are they.
It is nice to know I am not alone. It is nice to know I am not a freak or terrible mother or have absolutely no will power. It is wonderful to not be the only one behind blue eyes.

Could it be????

2010-05-13T10:51:00.000-07:00

I am starting to feel a little better. Being a fan of science, I must say that there are really entirely too many variable to contribute this to any one thing. Day 4 of antidepressants - my gut says it is really too early - but this is brain chemistry and therefore a very individual thing. I am 4 days without a cigarette (yes, I know this seems a bit masochistic, but I just assume get all the SHIT over with at once. I am the jump in the pool, rip off the band aid in one fell swoop kind of girl) so it could be that. My husband is returning from an out of town trip tomorrow and I am relishing handing over the parental reins for a while and basking in doing nothing for a day or 2. I am at peace with my work related, self imposed funk and have just come to terms - again - with the fact that some (maybe even a lot) of people just suck. So which or what is it that is making me feel a bit better today? Who knows...but feeling better I am. Yeah me.

I did it

2010-05-12T10:28:00.000-07:00

wellbutrin SR - actually buprorion SR - the generic. Day 2. No smoking and taking a different drug. I have to tell you - so far I think I am just MORE pissy.. In fact - I know it. I am trying to isolate myself so my rage does not bleed over onto my friends. Nothing like hurting the ones that love you the most...I am already doing that. Had 2 emails from friends asking if I was mad at them.. Nice - huh? And work - love the kids and my class - can't stand the admin and BS that goes with it. Kind of ironic that I am applying so they can tell me no. Of course, this allows me to armchair QB with impunity. I can always say "See, I tried...." He he he. I think this will be the last time I apply locally though. I will just enjoy my kiddos growing up and then commute later...I have a long way to go until retirement. I am looking at the marathon stretch right now - I can sprint later.
And ex - wives. OMG. I think I may unleash a bit of my unrequited rage on her tonight. I am just about done with the snarky attitude, the complaining, the sheer avarice with which any phone message from her seethes with her bitterness of her biggest mistake. Get over whack job. It's been 14 years!!! Find someone else for the love of GOD! Torture some other family - and quit harping about karma! Maybe you should take a look around and realize your empty, lonely, low rent life is because of YOUR karma. You are a cheater, a lousy mother, an ignorant blight on the world that spews filth and hate - still! My God.......I love how she leaves messages on MY cellphone for my husband. She had HIS number. AAAAHHH! I just can't stand her.....
And I no longer believe there is such a thing as grown ups. Instead, bodies just get bigger and mentalities stay pretty much the same as they were in junior high. I have seen it over and over again....disgusting. Bullying, mocking, cliques and impenetrable circles based on God knows what to justify the who's who and who's not....Just so tired of it. Really.
So I leave this entry feeling no better than when I started. I need to get over this mad feeling soon -
so frustrated.

Perceptions vs. Reality vs. things I know and don't want to deal with

2010-05-10T13:17:00.000-07:00

I am taking a real good look at myself. Have you ever experienced true denial? Have you ever had people tell you something over and over again, but you just don't see it? I already joke about my reverse anorexia....you know...I see the number on the scale, I see the sizes on the tags, but I just don't think I am THAT big! Perhaps this same "denial" is occurring for my moods. It's easy to discount your mother - that's what we all do - isn't it? Especially if your mother is ready to diagnose and recommend pharmaceutical cures for everyone but herself.... But what if close friends are hinting, sharing, and making comments about the wonders of anti-depressants? Do you listen - or just nod your head and thank them so much for caring. Do you say "Thanks" or "Butt out"? Do you feel loved and cared for or annoyed and irritated? I am feeling both.
I have used anti-depressants before. For 6 months. Then I got pregnant and have not had TIME to be depressed. I am exhausted at times. Elated at others. I am bitchy sometimes - and a seemingly endless pool of patience at others. My poor kids - they never know which way I will swing. 432 warnings or a spanking- guess what's behind door number 3!!! Then again, as a behavior specialist, I know intermittent reinforcement is the most powerful! :) Special ed humor there.....
I like to read back over my posts - and I can definitely tell when I am on a upswing. The down is not in a hole - just a BLAH feeling. I function. I am not bipolar - but everyone has mood swings - right? Why does our society feel like a little valley must be jumped on and medicated? Why would I medicate myself when I don't even medicate my child? Of course - perhaps I do not medicate my child because I do not medicate myself. I despise pharmaceutical companies, drug reps, and doctors that "push" the latest drugs for wonderful freebies....kind of takes the whole trust/relationship aspect out of the equation for me.
Anyway - whoever said life was supposed to be roses ALL the time? Will taking a drug give me a nice plastic glow? Or will I truly feel more on my upswing? I don't feel depressed so much as irritated...a lot. But I believe I have almost always been that way. I am innately bitchy. I have very early memories of my mother telling me how negative I was. Of course - I like to consider myself just more of a realist...
So - long rant cut short, I do have an appointment with my family physician at 4:15 today. I had to go anyway to go over some blood work. Might as well discuss medication for mild to moderate depression with him. I mean - what's a little more weight gain, possible seizures or liver damage really stack up against being a shiny, happy person?
I don't know...maybe it will be worth it.
I may do a little research though.. I wonder what the percentages are of women with 3 young children, full time jobs, work-related absentee husbands, compound living, disabled brother, over qualified for their job types that are medicated? I am guessing quite a few. Of course - food and nicotine have been my 2 favorites - but I am (once again) quitting one and possibly thinking about moderating the other....
We shall see......

These are the days...

2010-04-21T05:22:00.000-07:00

These are the days when one seems to blend into another. Monday through Friday are simply 5 days in between the weekends. We get up, dressed, eat breakfast, go to work/school, come home, eat dinner, play or watch a little tv, baths, bed, and sleep. Weekends come with about an hour of extra sleep - if I don't stay up watching tivoed shows. weekends also bring about routine cleaning/maintenance. Noting much exciting happening - a smattering of kiddy birthday parties to attend. No big events for me until our June 19th house party - yes - the Hill Billy House PArty. Fun times.....
These are the days that fly by and then you turn around in a few years and say "Where did time go?" I am trying to appreciate the small things - dancing with my kids. My babies 3 year old unbearable cuteness, funny anecdotes from students....living in the moment. Then another weekend rolls up and mundane chores prevail and it seems almost Ground Hog Dayish....

I am not down - but I am not hyped either. I feel very vanilla....
Sure, there are some things that have my feathers ruffled....an administrative position possibly opened and not feeling like I have a shot. The uncertainty of what position I will have next year while trying to hand over materials to the new special ed teacher. Home improvement issues (I HATE my stained carpet!!) that will have to wait due to lack of $, figuring out when and how step-daughter will come this summer, continued and ongoing stress - or actually lack of any contact - with in laws....
very simple, ordinary stuff. No rage. No passion - just kind of blah...
It's Wednesday. Normally called Hump day - but it is just another day -
I feel blessed overall -
not overly so - not underly (new word!) so -

The Cycles of my Life

2010-03-31T12:22:00.000-07:00

I have now experienced the entire life cycle of a chicken bred purely for consumption. Arriving as fat yellow chicks with throbbing butts, watching several die from egg yolk disease, 2 from heart attacks because they are genetically bred to grow so fast, and having 10 come the 4H stock show to choose the best 3 from....all in a short 6 week span. That's right - the chicken we eat goes from hatched egg to table ready in 6 weeks! Isn't that amazing? My egg hens I raise take 6 months before they lay a single egg - and grow so much slower! I wonder if I should take pause at eating a bird that has been selectively bred to gain weight (especially in the breast) so fast - that it's organs and bones can't keep up. These chickens lumber and plop down by the feed and sit to eat. They are fragile and finicky and die easily....they have heart attacks!! And we eat them!! However - I must say - I much prefer eating our own - knowing exactly what they were fed, and how humanely they were raised for their brief existence on this earth. Fresh water and bedding and food - twice a day. Sunlight and air - not darkness and poop!

I must also say....having a neighbor butcher them - outside and not in a factory that sees thousands of birds a day and is cleaned with chemicals - and then prepared and baked the next day.....

Well - it was worth it. I am considering how many chickens we would eat in a 2-3 month period - and just cycling those through our ranch. Start a new batch and in 6 weeks - butcher and put up...have a few weeks off, then get another batch....

No chemicals, no hormones, no ill treatment = great tasting dinner!

If we do incorporate meat chickens to our menagerie....*we already have eggs, venison and beef) - that would leave the final frontier of PORK. I like sausage, bacon and pork chops. I love a good pork tenderloin...but I am not sure about raising our own....I think it is because they are sooo smart! I think it would be like raising a dog and then eating it.....

I truly believe that every meat eating person should be required to go through the process - at least once - of raising and slaughtering and processing their own food. There has been such a distance between people and where their food comes from. Then again - their are some total food snobs out there that put me to shame! I am just saying that I do what I can with what I have - and we can all reach a little higher.

Just sharing a thought.....

Yen and Yang

2010-03-16T08:00:00.001-07:00

This is a great picture for my title. My eldest daughter and my husband represent both my greatest challenge and a significant part of my heart. My beloved husband is my best friend, awesome lover, my true partner in this life (and he doesn't even know about this blog - so I'm not blowing smoke!), but he can also be the most frustrating person in my life...next to our firstborn. We are actually trucking right along and doing FANtabulous - no arguing at all. My daughter on the other hand....
You know - I was reading another blog earlier, Thea in Australia, and the blogger had made a checklist of reasons her child was difficult. I could completely relate...and then I read the comments. While most were supportive, there were many completely bashing her. Her child was a result of her parenting, she shouldn't have had children, she was ungrateful for being blessed with ANY children...It made me sick. If you have not had the "joy" of trying to parent a "difficult" child - first off - lucky you. Secondly - shut your FUCKING mouth! For almost 9 years I have researched, scrutinized, medicated, counseled, behavior modified, read, consulted, and cried rivers in my attempt to help myself and my first born. I have limited who I let come by the house for fear of her tantrums being made known to the outside world. As a family of 5, we make conscientious decisions about what and where we go because of her outbursts. She dictates a huge part of our lives and her two younger sisters are deeply affected by it. My middle daughter ALWAYS gives in to her and the 3 year old will tell you "She doesn't like me." And she is right.
Do I love me eldest any less? NO. I tell her all the time that she is super special to me because she was my first and the one who made me a mommy. I would, will, and do anything I can for her. I have not given up. I will continue to learn and try and meet her needs while helping to breach the gaps and disabilities she has in frustration and flexibility. She, like my husband, can make me so happy and can so break my heart. Black and white, Yen and Yang.
So to any and all potential lurkers and posters out there - be careful when you pass judgment on others. You really have no idea what is going on in their lives. Try being supportive or say nothing - why should you want to bring anyone down? Be so thankful that you are not fighting that struggle. Women should support each other - not tear each other down.

Before and After pics

2010-03-11T13:10:00.001-08:00

Before and After

Some more afters......

Soooo - you can decide for yourself, but the bottom line is...I like it.
I am enjoying putting my hair up in a twist. I like straightening it and wearing it down if I want. I like the sporty pony tail that doesn't give me a killer head ache! I like not having black roots show through a week after doing my hair!

My head, my hair...

I like it!

Don't be afraid to make a drastic change - it is JUST hair.

I refuse to be defined by something so trivial.

I am more than my hair....and so are you!

Being Honest

2010-03-10T08:53:00.001-08:00

I have not smoked - at all - since February 22nd. I have had only 2 binge eating episodes - and I must admit, they have not been the absolute worst...Last night was 2 bowls of noodle,meat, cheese casserole, 1 banana with peanut butter and a glass of chocolate milk......Felt terrible afterwards - but learned a lesson I thought I knew.
#1 - Don't let myself get that hungry! I had a shake for breakfast, a handful of almonds around 10:00, a wrap for lunch - then nada until dinner...(I did try to eat a cube of my EXPENSIVE aged cheddar - was good, but not enough...)
#2 - I can not cook that stuff anymore!! Pasta dishes in general are my trigger! I LOVE pasta - all kinds, all ways - and want to eat WAY too much. I can not eat 1 cup of pasta - ridiculous! So, my family will just have to forgo it most of the time. I can resist mac n cheese. They can have that - but not I.......

I am also coming to some undeniable truths in the exploration of self. I refuse to feel guilty about my eldest daughter any longer. Her behaviors are NOT a result of MY crappy parenting. I can now see our difficulties stemming from her disability. She has a disability in the area of frustration tolerance and flexibility. This may sound like a cop out - and if you think so - screw you! For the last 8 years, I have read, tried everything, medicated, punished, rewarded, cried, spanked, begged, counseled with, play therapied ourselves to death and even had 2 other children that EASILY fit in the spectrum of normal behaviors.....so what the hell!!??!!

Dr. Greene -The Explosive Child - may damn well of saved my sanity and my first born's life! I was to the point that I was considering letting her live with my parents, going back to major medications, or running away. Seriously. Now, I have a plan (3 to be exact) and we are working on it. It is a terrible feeling to think that you should not have had other children. I never wished for my eldest to not be born - juts the opposite. If I had KNOWN how difficult it was going to be - maybe I would not have had 2 more children. I love them each so much - but her demands make me feel so inadequate....and it seems so unfair sometimes.....I am glad to be back on track.
*side note * I have OWNED this book for a few years....just hadn't read it yet. Thanks Dad for the recommendation....

I am doing it.....

2010-03-08T11:43:00.000-08:00

There is something spiritual about having your toes done. I used to scoff at pedicures - in fact, I often felt horrible for those that performed them. However - I have seen the light. For the last 2 years, I have steadily become a regular client at "Nails by Lee" - and I am not ashamed to admit that I wish I had a monthly standing appointment. That 1 hour of unadulterated ME time for the benefit of my little piggies has big payoff for me mentally. I think I will write it into my budget and go more regularly - I mean, it doesn't REALLY just benefit me. I am helping the economy, any body that has to gaze upon my footsies (and not go into a seizure at the condition of my cracked, calloused heels sans pedicures) and even my hubby - who I may rub up on occasionally ;)
I am also getting braver. Here is a wonderful photo taken of myself at 279 pounds. It was 276 on Friday - but I am blaming a few carby meals and water retention and plan on being under 276 for my weigh in on Friday. I am enjoying my SPark energy drink and massive amounts of water - and can probably log all the LONG walks down the hallway to the ladies room due to said h2o intake. I am chugging along - and even enjoyed a game of kickball with my students last Friday. Another teacher commented "you were really moving out there!" (I did score a run for the team I was on!) I told her - "Yeah - I can move when I have too. However, it is a great lesson for science concerning momentum - it takes me a bit of time to stop!" Had fun though......
Which leaves me with this last pic....a fellow friend blogger - kimayres at the ramblings of the bearded one - commented on portrait photography. Seems many don't like their mug. Oh - I like my face well enough. You can go back and see some of my previous entries for profile pics...Just can't seem to get the profile image to load on this stupid blog! I actually really like my face. It is rather symmetrical, a few moles for character, lots of laugh lines and worry lines (3 daughters - HELLO!) and my blue eyes. I like my straight nose and my lips are full enough. I wax often enough and pluck in between - and if I like you, you will see my dimples....
My face is not my problem - body image is another. I am working on it.....
Overall - I am doing it - and doing it well.....

Absolutely Amazing

2010-03-01T13:14:00.000-08:00

I feel like a new person......I am not sure if it is not smoking, better eating, taking Spark (an energy/focusing supplement) or what - but man - I like it! For the last 7 days I have had more energy, a better attitude - you know, the "I CAN DO THIS!" mentality that allows me to get my checklists done and not feel like a failure. If I was spending money like crazy and not sleeping - I would think that I was a total bipolar mess (like my beloved deceased Grandmother). She LOVED her mania - which is why she would stop her lithium and spiral away......

I feel joy like I have not in a LONG, LONG time. I feel inspired and capable and I am noticing that feeling this way just snowballs all the other things I want to do - be healthier, lose weight, be a better parent, teacher, partner, daughter.....It is just amazing!

My husband has even noticed (an appreciated ;) ) my new found energy and attitude....A good thing about blogging about it - for me, is that if I do spiral down - I will have evidence of a problem. I was in a really bad place. The kind of mental lowness that kept me daydreaming about running away to Alaska, smoking myself to death in a cheap place of abode, waiting tables with no responsibilites! Did I mention that I was going there ALONE? That's right - I was fantasizing of leaving EVERYTHING and being responsible for NO ONE but me.....Terrible!

How could I ever think about leaving this?

That girl's just not quite right....

2010-02-17T13:06:00.000-08:00

I have been hiding. I have shown parts of myself to many people, but never my whole self. Not to anyone...ever....I don't think I am even honest with myself. I joked awhile back on my facebook about whether insanity was an instantaneous state or if it creeped up on you slowly. Do you snap or do you just bend into oblivion? I think I may have been bending a little too much for awhile there...but am back on an even keel now.

Perhaps is was a horrid bladder infection that I tried to treat myself with Mexican antibiotics (note to others: Amoxicillin is great for upper respiratory, but not so good with bladders - oh, and it can give you a raving yeast infection too!)
So to the doctor I go, admit my self medication, grovel for the one pill yeast infection cure without the humiliation of stirrups (by God, I know what a yeast infection is!!) and 2 weeks later I am finally coming out of a fog. I am still fat. I still smoke. I still have issues with my kiddos and my life......big freakin' surprise huh?

So the pics are just how I am feeling. Behind a veil. A part of my pieces. Not feeling so upbeat and wonderful and optimistic these days. Dragging through the week - punctuated with extreme joy and then sadness. Watching the clock to get to bed at night, barely keeping up with household chores, fatigued as hell and constantly bashing myself with what I am not good at,not doing right, not getting better at.....
Then I try and ease up on myself - and just admit I am a big, fat, smoker...there - is that the worst thing in life? I am such and ADDICT! I hope to be back soon with a little something better to say about anything.....

New Year's Post

2009-12-31T21:07:00.000-08:00

Yep - it is a new me already. Didn't even wait for January 1st! I was really getting a little old for long, flowing, goldy locks. Besides, it goes with my need for a change - and girls know that sometimes an outward appearance can make a world of difference in changing how you feel. So this is the new me - the beginning of a change. Yes, I have resolutions I am making. Yes - my diet and exercise (or actual lack of any) is one of the things I wish to change. However, that is not the only thing I am going to hold myself accountable for. I think I will make a list now and revisit in June to take stock. While weightloss will be high on my list, there are several other "must do's" that have been rambling in the back of my mind - just not getting done. So....I will write them here and see if they get done, or closer to done, or started......

So - for 2010 -

Drum roll please......

By the end of June - I will.........

* Write. Not just my blog, which I haven't done a great job of yet - but I do feel like I am warming up. No, I mean write, as in my novel. Meagan has got to get out of my head and on paper...even if I butcher her and wrap her in it!!

*Blog AT LEAST once a week - even if it is a blurb. I follow so many blogs - and I feel so sad when they don't update, and so happy when they do - so I will do my part. I will also try and leave a comment on blogs I visit, as I also know that mysterious lurkers (while appreciated for the number on my little counter) need to say "hi" once in awhile......

* I will weigh....OMG - I can't believe I am going to post a number....250 come June. See - only need to lose 5 pounds- I can do it! *snicker* Okay - so it is more than 5 pounds - but I am not brave enough to post it - yet....I will - it is just a number, but by God, it is a BIG number.....

* Exercise -4 times a week for at least a half hour each time. This can be dancing, treadmill, family walk. Anything - as long as it is a conscious effort to move my buttocks. I have the shoes - no excuses.....

* Each week, I will make time to just PLAY with my girls. I do play, I do chase and tickle, I do so love them....but I feel like I get them set up with an activity, then bail to clean or put up or - oh I don't know - go to the bathroom! - and leave them to play without me. Or at least without me fully present. I hate that. They won't remember how clean the house was when they leave or think back on their time with me. They will remember Mom sitting IN their sheet tents in the living room. The plays we make with the stuffed animals. Charades. boardgames. I want to be a better Mom - in a measurable way. So my resolution is one hour a week of strictly play time. No phone interruptions. No cleaning or picking up. Just a play time.

* Indiviudual time - this is a biggy. With 3 daughters, sometimes it is hard to just get the neccessities done. I have them for such a short amount of time, and I love each one sooo much. I will do an activity - one one one - with each child, each week. It could be a walk, a bubble bath, story time, cooking time, something with just one of them. Then I will also do something extraordinary for my beloved husband. At least once a week, I will show him, in some way, how special he is to me. A love note in his truck. An extra special meal. Clip his toemails...okay, I will stop there. NO need to get too intimate. But with the disentegration of so many marriages around me, I want him to know how special he is to me. I know that if we are strong together, our family as a whole will be strong. I can't let daily life take away from what created this family - our love.

So that is my list. I decided to take the numbers off because I do not think they should be ranked, but taken as a whole. They are all good resolutions - and I beleive attainable and measurable. Let's check back in 6 months -

I may very well repost this at the end of June with an update.....

Until then - Happy New Year -

Be the Best you can be and be kind!

Pooh and Poo!

2009-12-16T08:08:00.000-08:00

My sister in law was cleaning out some toys and asked if Kat would like this giant Pooh - I said sure...and a love affair was born....My baby carries this thing around with her everywhere...to sleep, she puts a seatbelt on it in the car, and takes it to school (this is still cool as she is 3!)
Who knew she would love Pooh - as I have not read any Pooh stories to her or watched Pooh movies..but love him she does!

I will have to say that she is a bit bemused by his name. Pooh. You see, we are in the middle of "poo" potty training. My child pees like a champ - stays dry all day and half the night - but poo? A whole other story...So maybe this will lead into some poos on the potty.....

And here we are at the Christmas party last Saturday. A handsome couple if I do say so myself. We won't discuss the fact that he has lost over 50 pounds while I HAD lost over 20 and am maintaining at 14 pounds....for now....uuuggghhh!

and for the real "poo" part - we are irritated with each other as of this moment. Not end of the hunt, deal breaker kind of stuff - more like hurt feelings (mine) and an inability to apologize (his) and throw in holiday stress and 18,000 in credit card debt - well you get the picture....
I do know this. Without him, my family would not exist. Because of him, I have more than I ever dreamed if. Because of him, I am thankful for God's blessings and I will take deep breaths and let my feelings heal and move on. Because of him, I really am happy and am reminded over and over in my daily interactions with other women how lucky I truly am. So what if he opened a bath robe I had set aside as a gift for a needy family "just to try it out" - and then got PISSED when I questioned him about it...see? Silly! I am not hunting for him in the bars or struggling to feed my children, or hit, or feel unloved....Communication will be something we will work on for the rest of my life. At least I do not worry about if he is leaving - for good. I do not worry if I will make him so mad he will go. I am blessed and thankful and in love.

A weekend in review

2009-12-14T12:05:00.000-08:00

I can not drink. Hubby had a Christmas party for his job on Saturday night - it used to be a Big Deal in Galveston at Moody Gardens, catered, entertainment, hotel rooms, big gifts, $500.00 gift cards for the wives....
This year was better - in my opinion. Local, good food, DJ and karaoke, $500.00 gift card for the wives, and it was the people you hung out with at the bigger party - with no LONG drive home...
I had my hair and make up done - I will have to post a pic later. I wish I had taken a pic of the back of my hair - it looked like spiraled ribbons - soooo pretty.
Anyway - hubby drank beer like a fish in water - and I had 3 wine coolers over 6 hours.....made me happy, but not drunk.....
Now, Friday we had dinner at a friend's house, home and in bed around 1:00 a.m., kids never sleep in, had to go to a bake sale at 9:00 Saturday morning, then off to town around 1:00 with some running around for the party. Party started at 6:30 p.m. and we left about 12:30. It took us a little longer than normal to get home as hubby needed..ummmmm....pit stops. Several of them. And not to pee. GROSS! So - I crawled into bed around 2:00 - Dad had to magistrate in the morning, so the kiddos were dropped off at 8:09a.m. ugggh - I am so thankful they kept them overnight - but I can't say I was thrilled....
So in they came and my head ache started......off to church we went. In Hubby's truck - because my needed to be hosed down.....*gross* Had a great Sunday school, but the babysitter did not show....and since I have 3 children, I volunteered to stay in the nursery with our lovely 94 year old helper. Only one other child stayed in the nursery - and she is severely disabled and in a wheel chair. So I spent 45 minutes "baby sitting" my own children. Left church ran home, at, left with sister in law to go get McKenna"s #1 Christmas present - a ball python and cage. Then went and did some shopping for the family I am sponsoring for Christmas. Got home at about 7:00 p.m. House is a mess, my head still hurts, I don't drink!!!!

Post Thanksgiving Update - some realizations....

2009-11-30T13:26:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving went well - I have not even dared to step on the scale. It went REALLY well as far as the food - maybe not so well as far as my waist line.... Some interesting realizations occurred over the holidays...
I am soooo not the favorite child in my in=laws eyes. My children hold no comparison to their little male cousin. He is awfully darn cute..but it was hard to swallow that he could do no wrong and mine were irritating. It was a bit tough to accept that he was constantly in their camper and being praised and gushed over while mine were on the side lines. It was not so fun to see my sister in law catered to while I was second fiddle - but I can take it. I just hurt for my kiddos. As they grow older - they will become aware of it. I remember feeling left out when my grandparents took my cousins places and not me. I remember feeling unwanted, not as loved, and flat out rejected at times. But I am so fortunate -and so are my kiddos. You see, I am the golden child in my family. Yes, I have a brother. However, his extra chromosome make competition just seem so unnecessary (at least as an adult!) In MY family - my 3 daughters are GODDESSES and I am the one and only. The perfect one. I am praised, complimented, supported and cherished. So I am fine - and my girls will be too. They have okay parents and an awesome Nana and Oppie. We will survive and be just fine - just had to sulk for a minute....

And in other news.....I watched my parents revert back to teenagers when their high school friends showed up this weekend. I ran up for a quick observation of sheer goofiness. Singing songs and playing guitars. Inebriation and flirtation. Taking a trip down memory lane and saying prayers of thankfulness at the course their lives took - and relishing in the reunification of long, lost lovers was something to behold. I also have to admit that witnessing such similar and familiar interactions is a little......unsettling yet reassuring. My parents are people. Do you hear that? Not perfect, stoic, matriarchs and patriarchs - but goofy, silly, fallible people. And while I enjoy seeing them so loose and fun - it is a bit strange sometimes and I have to remind myself that my children will see me through simialr eyes at some point. Right now I am omnipotent and (hopefully) on a platform surrounded by mysterious knowledge far beyond their comprehension. I still didn't understand mortgage rates and APR at 21 - or 401k's or the finer requiremnts of maintaing a budget - but now I know....and I know we are all just humans.
So in summary - great holiday. Experiences makes us what and who we are - and I like what I am doing and who I am becoming. Not perfect - but my lenses keep changing....

New phone, stitched dog, and camping in my future....

2009-11-24T05:20:00.000-08:00

I did it. I finally upgraded myself into the 21st century and got a new cell phone with SOME of the bells and whistles. I bought the Motorola Karma - added texting and internet (read:email and facebook) I am sure I will use the texting - not sure about the email - but I can cancel that app any time. I practiced a few texts last night - and see how much easier it is - and more succint - and less annoying - and the usefulness (read: grocery list for hubby!) Twitter and other "fun" stuff will just have to wait as I acclimate myself to this one baby step at a time.....
On other fronts - my poor cowdog cross/pound puppy was shot by a "neighbor" on Saturday while I was frolicking at Fiesta Texas with my girls, former student, and friends. Seems she and Lucky and Aggie all went across the fence to sniff around at the piles of deer guts they have lying around and he shot her. Thankfully, the bullet sliced her down the side through the muscle - but no internal injuries. He claims he had a problem with a "pack of dogs" chasing deer and cows last year. He was sure he had killed her.
Well - 2 days later - he feel s so bad about it - he is going to pay the vet bills. She has 10 inches of stitches, on antibiotics and pain killers, and will have a visible reminder of her adventure. I am surprised by many reactions in this situation. Surprised he would shoot her, surprised he would pay for the vet bills, and surprised that I really feel no animosity towards him. My dog was on his property. I KNOW she doesn't chase cows or deer - as we have plenty of both and she ignores them. She prefers the challenge of jackrabbits as big as she is! I could have just never seen her againa nd not know what happened to her - so I am thankful. Strange - I know.... I think I will write him a thank you letter, include pictures of my dogs, and send him some cookies (sans chocolate ex-lax!). Quite the improvement in reaction for me!! Seriously though - I have NO way of guaranteeing my dogs will never step foot on his property again without chaining them. We have lived there going on 10 years and have not had a problem - I hope the problem is resolved and communication will involve a phone call instead of a bullet.
And on to the fun stuff - CAMPING. We leave tomorrow for a few days at a state park. My turkeys I raised were TOO big for the fryer (19, 22, 34 and 38 pounds!) - so a store bought bird will go in with all the fixings and trimmings outside in nature. YUM!! I really enjoy the family time and food! Hopefully the hiking and non-stop activity will counter-act the calories! Fall is awesome - and I love a holiday based around being thankful. Thankful I am -

Momma lied

2009-11-18T06:44:00.000-08:00

Okay - I love my Mom. However, when I was a kid and would get my feelings hurt or had a friend lie to me or overheard not so nice comments, she would tell me that kids could be mean and it would all be better when I was a grown up. Well, I joke with her about it now and she laughingly replies that she had to say SOMETHING to keep me from slitting my wrists ( I was already a cutter, so she wasn't too far off - but that is another post). The point is that what she said was really not true. IT is not "better" as an adult. I know there are just some people that are more sensitive in this world -and I will quickly raise my hand to admit to being one of them. I am not, nor ever have been, one of those people that pick on someone else to fit into a group. I have always, even as a child, formed my own opinion about people. Perfect? Far from it - I continue to work on forgiveness and compromise. But mean? Never.....
So now the circle has come back around. I am a mother. I have a sensitive child. She doesn't understand when she is left out, made fun of for such terrible things as wearing a dress, or when she has someone act in a down right rude way to her.
Of course, the sisters can be TERRIBLE to each other - but not to other kids. So, me eldest in particular, truly struggles with navigating this world with all the meanness, snubbery, snobbery, and cliques...so what do I do? Do I tell her it will all be better when she is older? I know that is not true, but I do know as I got older I had more CHOICE in who I surrounded myself with. Also, as I've aged, I have seen my circle grow smaller but more intense - with my family buring brightest in the center. All others are shadows behind them....
I believe I will continue to raise my children encouraging kindness to everyone, but instilling a backbone that no one else really matters like family. Perhaps that will stop the sister wars - but maybe not.....
I do know this. I am proud of the type of person I have grown into. I am a good friend, a good wife, a pretty good mom, a good sister, a good daughter, and my skin has thickened. My perspective has changed with the creation and embracing of my family. I hope that I can be that example for my girls. I don't want to see my daughter's face fall when someone shuts the door in her face intentionally. I don't want to rip the head off another adult (a teacher no less), when they react nonchalantly to their child's rude behavior, and I don't want to lie to her about how everyone grows up and becomes a respectful human being. I will be honest with her about how some people have mean hearts and that she should CHOOSE to surround herself with other kind people. I hope to continue to be an example of that for her - and to continue to improve myslef along the way.

Bit of a funk....

2009-11-13T05:38:00.000-08:00

Still maintaining a 20 pound loss - and really not sure how as I have pretty much eaten whatever I want for 3 weeks straight! Perhaps some of that muscle I have built is saving me from abject failure and humiliation..... I bought a coke this morning and another teacher said "oh - you are back on those now too?" What the hell? Yes - I am public about my loss, but I really don't want any accountability from anyone! *humph* Okay - so a little public humiliation may be just what I need to see the light and get back on it.....
But I am sad....
and I want to eat....
and drink 1 coke a day....
and watch pointless reality tv instead of exercising...
and smoke.....

Okay - I KNOW - terrible, awful, the worst ever......
and I know that the less exercise I get, the more likely I am to indulge in demon nicotine because the exercise makes me use those damn lungs and decrease stress. Who knew?? SO one limits the other and it all makes sense....
Except for right now.....

I also feel like the worst things that can happen in our dreams are often another's reality - and it is sickening. I used to think I was the only mom in the world that would have terrific nightmares about horrible things happening to my children. Death, abduction, drowning....While not often, there have been a few times I have woken from sleep with a pillow wet from my tears. I have planned funerals in my head, tried to wrap my head around the what ifs...and it is terrible. I will say prayers to get those thoughts out of my head. Begin a mantra of positives and know that we are okay - that I have done and will do everything possible to keep my children safe.
Then tragedy strikes.
A teacher in my school is heading to work with her 3 year old son - her only child - strapped in. A semi crosses the line and hits her. Her only child is killed. She is halo flighted with severe injuries. She survives and has to be told 4 days later that she really has lost her life....and I cry for her. I cry because I can't fathom the loss. I can't fathom drawing in another breath. Yet I have 3 children - I would HAVE to continue for my other children. But if I lost them all? Like the woman on Biggest Loser that lost both children and her husband in a wreck? Maybe I am too sensitive for these sensationally dramatic individuals chosen for these shows - but I watch and then I cry. And then I have the worst possible thought - ever.....
Totally superstitious and selfish and unreasonable -
and ugly -
and just BAD

*whispers*
if that happened to them, then the likelihood of it happening to mine is lessened

Please don't let anything happen to my babies....
And though I don't have favorites - my dreams surround my youngest the most often. Perhaps because she is the baby. Maybe because she is close in age to the little boy that died. Maybe because she is so loved....and my last.

I really mean it this time....

2009-11-06T05:28:00.000-08:00

Okay -
so I have been slacking....After a 2 week free for all and a gain of 4 pounds, I have lost small incrmental amounts for the last 2 weeks. I have a 20 pound loss currently, and have not jumped back full fledged into my healthy eating and exercise......
but I have done a few things that have surprised me (and my family - especially children).
After a wonderful Halloween - the massive bags of candy lingered only 2 days before "mysteriously" dissappearing! Before - those over full bowls of chewy, chocolately, sugar over load would have lasted a few weeks for grazing and rewarding and so on....

And my girls were so cute - yay for recycled Ren Fest costumes!!

I love their pose on the canon in our park - AYE MATE!! They were only upset for a bit - but I HAD let them pick 4 pieces and have them....pretty good - I thought.

So now I have this next weekend - and typical of my addict behavior and way of thinking - I know that diet wise, it will not be the best.....

My beloved husband is taking me to see Riverdance, then stay in a hotel - with no CHILDREN. *gasp*
Then go Christmas shopping - and yep, you guessed it - out to eat...a lot....at places that are just not run of the mill around here.....So is Monday really that far away? I have a new secret weapon in my arsenal for that dreaded Monday....A treadmill. No more excuses...

Corsets, pirates, and the ride is over...

2009-10-30T11:09:00.000-07:00

Sooooo - check out my corset!! Pretty sexxxy! My middle daughter greatly approved and even stated that I should wear it to school - everyday. Yeah - so she is the fashionista and obviously not impressed with sweat pants and t-shirts. I think hubby looks like the cover of a cheap romance novel - minus the hair blowing in the breeze.. :) We bought the corset there - and I KNOW it enhances the boobage...but had no idea to that extent - I apologize now.....

And here we have the lovely lady pirates and their captive. The Tex Ren Fest is so worth a weekend away - I highly recommend it to anyone with even an ounce of imagination and adventure in their souls. I would love to go back just to people watch - it is a hoot!

For the last pic for this post, my parents and my baby. A nice age sandwich - My oldest and closest relatives and my last baby who is turning 3 in this pic - parents are 62 and 57....and I am a nice 35 right in the middle of it all. In 15 years I will be 50 - holy mother of GOD! Hopefully it will not be a morbidly obese 50....

and that little thought leads into the last part of the title.....the ride is over. AS per my normal M.O., I have been having a BLAST for my birthday(week) and my weight loss stalled, went into reverse, and drove all over my best intentions.... Yep, gained back a few pounds and I am currently at an 18 pound weight loss and trying not to bemoan the lost last few weeks and looking at my awesome www.fridgegraph.com and thinking of where I COULD be if I had kept my head on right.....
So - I am proud of myself for today. I am planning ahead.....thinking logically, and knowing this weekend will be easy - and next weekend will be a test an require planning. You see, my hubby is taking me to see Riverdance (my second time!!), and staying at a hotel (boom chica bow wow) and yes - I am sure - a meal or two out and about........
I can do it -
It is worth it.....

Hello. My name is Shannon and I am an addict.

2009-10-16T12:01:00.000-07:00

Yeah....so these were supposed to go at the end of the entry......still learning....
But here are a few pics of me (I am usually behind the lens for obvious reasons!)
In the Bahamas - told you my hubby encourages me to fly my freak flag!

And look below...can you pick me out?? Yes - I am the BIGGEST one on the stage competing in what I thought was a trivia games show...turned out to be a competition for Ms. Sandals Royal Bahamian and consited not of trivia, but booty shaking and chair dances...and yes, I won.....that is another entry, perhaps on fat acceptance, sympathy votes, and maybe even confidence levels.....

We will go again - and I will post side by side before and after pics. It was truly heaven on earth...and I was as big as the moon!

All the reasons why are in this picture....taken July 2009. 15 year old stepdaughter, McKenna is 8, Rhiannon is 6, and Kathrynn is 2. Jeff is 36 and I am 34. I have lost 20 pounds since this pic...and Jeff has lost 28 pounds. Before and after pics will follow when I have some "afters"!

Perception is a powerful thing. I have long perceived myself as an athlete. (NOt sure why....just have) I have often looked at a pair of size 22 pants held out in front of me and thought to myself how HUGE they look, only to put them *snugly* on and think "That doesn't look too bad...." I have acknowledged that I am bigger than most around me, and shrugged it off to being an Amazon - and relishing in it. At 5'9", I do tower over most....however, the fact that I can provide shade for 4 average individuals doesn't often come to the forefront of my brain. I have lived in denial for a loooong time.
It does not help my "condition" that I have a husband that loves every square inch of my body and can make me feel sexy and powerful, even with the lights on. While I am lucky, thus far, to have excellent blood pressure, no problems with sugar levels, and only borderline cholesterol and triglyceride levels - they are just waiting for me I am sure. I need to be honest with myself about my weight and health for the long term. I have a lot to stick around for and stay active with....my three amazing daughters. This is obviously important - and my subconscious is kicking into overtime lately with a string of vivid and heart wrenching dreams. Last nights consisted of being told I had 2 weeks to live and I cried - in my sleep - woke up with tears on my pillow - Dreamed of writing long letters to my daughters that would have to grow up with out their Mom....horrifying and not really able to type more about it as my eyes tear up....
So - back to one of the reasons I am going to write more...accountability.
I am an addict. I love carbs. Pasta, rice, potatoes, enchiladas, fried, greasy, cheesy, doughy stuff...it calls to me all day. I am an intelligent woman with a master's degree and 4.0 GPA to back that up....but stupid when it has come to my own health and that of my family.
I am MORBIDLY obese - and I am changing that. Through a change in lifestyle - not a DIET that has begin and end date. My family has started this change already and we are kicking it up another few notches. I have lost 20 pounds, Jeff 28 pounds, and the girls are visibly changing. We are teaching them "all the time" foods and "once in awhile" foods. We have already kicked ALL sodas out of the house and switched completely to brown rice and WHOLE GRAIN everything else (and that is still in small amounts). My grocery bill is high and we plan a week's worth of menus at a time to allow for the fresh veggies.
I can do this. I must do this. I know how and will make a commitment each and every day to do this....after my birthday! See! I told you - addict behavior!! Oct. 19th will mark my 35th birthday and more than a decade of being MORBIDLY obese. 15 years of being over weight. It is time.....
So...it is beginning of an end. As an addict, I know there is no end - but a journey.

Continuing to practice.....

2009-10-14T12:44:00.001-07:00

My best friend and biggest supporter....
My 3rd and last daughter when she was 2 months old.
The Momma bear and her cubs - I am triply blessed!

My engines are revving, my tank is full, I am almost ready for blast off.....
Let me try a few more of these knobs and gadgets and clear my throat..
It's coming people...it is coming self...
break into song
*I can feel it coming in the air tonight.......**

Trying again

2009-09-12T12:14:00.000-07:00

Soooo -
I thought about what kind of author I would really like to be, and I decided I have a very popular topic that is near and dear to my heart.....weight loss. Now, I have read some great blogs...and lessjess is probably one of my favorites, and is he can be a motivator for me, then I figured I better pay it forward and share my story. No one else may even read my drivel here, but I do have something to say. While I have anxiety over anyone else reading my ramblings, I also have a fear of losing what I write and/or not being able to go back and reread what I wrote.

I was quite active for awhile on easyjournal - but apparently no one is home there anymore because I can not upgrade and most people have left...so now I want to go back and print what I wrote - I blogged my entire pregnancy with my 3rd child, and it is important to me....

Anyway - on to this new "book". Not only has my entire family joined in on our healthier life style, but I have soooo many opinions and fear and thoughts on my marriage, family, 3 daughters, job (I am a teacher), and life in general. This will be where I vent, celebrate, and so forth....

practice

2008-12-08T19:01:00.000-08:00

This is a test -
if it was a real entry, it would be dazzling and thought provoking. The contents would be discussed around water coolers and a fire would start---
Oprah would call and invite me to speak to millions about the context of this one blog.
But, alas, it is only a test.